Daaat Biiiitch

Let me just start by saying that 2 days ago I bought a dress for a wedding that took place today. When I tried it on I said to myself, "Self, you look HOTT! I would totally make out with your reflection in the mirror if we were home!" That's pretty much how that went. Then on the way home I said to myself, "Self! you just bought a fucking bubble dress you asshole! A strapless, tight, extremely short, low cut bubble damn dress. Who the hell do you think you are and more importantly, did you forget that you are 31 years old??!! You are a 31 year old MOTHER for cripes sake!"

So, I packed another dress in case I decided that it really was inappropriate. The wedding took place many hours away from where I live where there are lots of hills and billies if you know what I mean. But, you know what? Today I was like fuck it! I'm totally wearing it. I don't care if my lactating boobs are falling out and every time I slightly bend over you can see where babies come from. Who cares, I'm a milf and I'm gonna rock this dress out.

Why this was a bad plan... The wedding was on top of an enormous mountain. A gigantic windy mountain with a short lightweight dress and a infant that needs pushed in a giant stroller by no one other that me because my husband is the best man and oh.my.freaking.God.what.in.the.name.of.all.that.is.holy.was.I.thinking? Every time I went to pick my son up or put him down it was T&A everywhere.

I was feeling very self conscious about my poor choice in clothing when a girl came up to me and said "oh, I love your dress!" I was all "gee thanks and wanna be bff's?" Then a few minutes later I was like Daaat Biiitch! I am pretty sure that buffalo was making fun of me! Dammit! What?! Really?! I invented that game and just got schooled. At least in my head that's what she meant. I still think I am right because at the reception I had to sit at the same table as her and it was awkward. My husband thinks I should try and remove myself from the 9th grade. I think he should stop leaving dishes in the sink, but whatever.

I need to take a minute to talk about the annoyance of the wedding date of 10-10-10. I suppose that is tolerable, but there was another couple here getting married earlier today. At 10:10am. That's a bit much. Since I couldn't pelt them with stones I hope they get a divorce on 11-11-11 @ 11:11am.



*My entire goal of the evening was to post pictures of my baby but I cannot for the life of me:
A. figure out how and/or
B. find them on the computer.

I swear my husband hides things from me just to make my life difficult and give him a reason to help his technology-retarded wife. It's a miracle he doesn't have to show me how to work the microwave. Well, actually, it's not. If it involves food, I'll damn sure figure it out. Why can't it be as easy as my Droid? I can download the shit out of pictures on my phone. I'll figure it out soon....

After a year you would think I could do better...

So, I have decided to start blogging again. Unfortunately, this will be a short post as I have a job that requires me to get up between 4 and 4:30 am and subsequently makes me retire to my sleeping quarters before my 88 year old grandmother does.

A few things:
*Anyone notice that I changed the name of my blog? Many reasons...don't get me wrong, I still wake up every day and enjoy a nice tall glass of hater-aide, but in all honesty the name doesn't fit anymore and while I liked it at first, it never really completely fit anyway.

*I also will try very hard to capitalize things. I have no excuse anymore. I hated doing it before b/c I was in grad school and wrote so many effing papers that I just wanted to write a blog and not worry about crap such as capitalizing.

*I have the most beautiful, amazing baby that I have ever seen. And, you should believe me since I work with babies all the livelong damn day.

*I will post pictures of said World's Most Beautiful Baby soon.

*How can I be so sure I am going to keep posting and not continue to be lame and suck ass you ask? Jeeze, lay off, I just got back! But, if it makes you feel reassured, I have another set of boards to study for because I am the queen of procrastination and what better way to use one's spare time than to write blog posts? Brilliant.

*ok, this capitalizing everything is already pissing me off.

a month and a half worth of updates....

contrary to what it may seem to some of you, i promise i don't sit at home rubbing my hands together with an evil laugh and stare at my email until i get enough people emailing me asking where i've been and if i'm ok. don't get me wrong, i am an attention whore, but not that bad.

let's see.....mexico? it was good. resort was beautiful, weather was great, food was good (although my husband enjoyed it more than i did) and dragging around the zofran pump wasn't too bad. i unhooked it when i went to the pool, so that was helpful. i ended up getting rid of it a couple of weeks ago and have had very little problems with nausea/vomiting.

i started studying for one of my boards a few weeks after we got back and took them last tues. i'm now officially a pediatric nurse practitioner:)

we had our gender u/s last week and we found out we are having a sweet little boy that looks great! he was so active and cute during the u/s and kept kicking the shit out of me which he does all day/night long anyway:) it was so neat to actually see him doing it. for a little bit he had his feet up over his head and then he started trying to suck his thumb. everything looked great as far as growth and development. i am so in love.

we were planning on going out and buying some baby things after the u/s because at 21 weeks we still hadn't bought the poor baby anything. instead i was admitted to the hospital for contractions, dehydration and severe abdominal pain that had started about 10 hrs before the u/s. they did a bunch of labs and some stuff was off but nothing that they could use to diagnose what was going on completely. the abdominal u/s that they did was useless b/c my uterus takes up all the room in my stomach now. so, after much begging on my part i got to go home the next night after they had slowed the contractions down. i had a follow up appt with my OB yesterday and he is still mystified as to why i am still having such bad abdominal pain. at first he thought it was appendicitis, but now we have no idea. i go back in a week to make sure that there are still no cervical changes from the contractions.

so, that's about it. hopefully the rest of the pregnancy will be normal and uneventful.

and, btw. i have decided that i in fact do not enjoy contractions and will probably, most definitely, be getting an epidural.

dear zofran pump

i was in love when we first met. within a day i had a noticeable reduction in nausea/vomiting. you seemed to be the answer to my vomit induced prayers. as a matter of fact, if you were a person i totally would have gotten busy with you.

but, less than a week into our love affair you seemed to have moved on to greener pastures. perhaps with someone less fertility challenged. or with less of a lumpy ass.

now you are the equivalent of crotchless underwear or a dick on my forehead- totally useless to me.

*food, i miss you. we are no longer BFF's and i am requesting the other half of our BFF necklace.

**zofran pump, you have been downgraded from "sexy lifesaving hunk" to "straight up undependable asshole."

hello ICLW!

hi everyone! here's a quick history of us and our IF breakdown. more detail is in the sidebar if interested. complete with snark and swearing. a warning if easily offended:)

my dh and i have been together for 10yrs, married for 6. he's 35, i'm 30. we started ttc 3 yrs ago and after every test/procedure possible i was found to have endometriosis. after it was removed we still did not get pregnant so we were given a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. after 5 IUI's and 2 IVF's we are cautiously awaiting our first little one to be born in february 2010.

i am currently off of work on medical leave with a zofran pump for hyperemesis. when not at home i work as a RN in peds ICU and if i stop throwing up long enough i will take my boards to be a pediatric nurse practitioner.

if only i had all that money i wasted on birth control i could stay home for the duration of this pregnancy. or buy a yacht to show up p-diddy, diddy, daddy-o or what the hell ever he goes by these days.

pregnancy announcements: still asshole-y in my book

i've wondered how pregnancy announcements would make me feel now that i am pregnant. i would like to say that i am happy and cheery and all "yippy ki-yaay motherfucker!" about it, but i'm not. twice now, i have failed the test.

pregnancy announcement #1
it came from an asshole at work. i mean a giant asshole of a person in every sense of the word. she was walking around with a pregnancy book when she was 5 minutes pregnant (really. she was only 4 weeks.) and acted all coy when someone asked her if she was pregnant. "oh, you weren't supposed to see that!" accompanied by a blink blink, sheepish asshole smile. hmmm, i thought that was the point of you reading it through your entire shift while you should be taking care of your patients and carrying it with the title facing outward so everyone could see it? this person is a special kind of asshole-dickhead combo in my book, for many reasons.

pregnancy announcement #2
this one actually makes me feel bad about myself. it came from a dear friend. this girl is like a sister to me. we were in undergrad together and that was a kind of unbearable torture that if it weren't for her and a few other's, i wouldn't have made it.

with that being said, i haven't talked to her in months. she lives in another country for part of the year. i can't reach her by phone and she does not know about my pregnancy, but she does know that we have been trying for 3 yrs and needed IVF. i got an email from her yesterday. it went like this "blah, blah, blah, my sister is due in october and, hey, i'm due in march! we were just going to see what happened and we got pregnant the minute we tried!"

ok. ok, ok, ok. i would like to say that my initial reaction was nothing but happy for her but i would be lying. i was maybe 50% happy, 25% wtf?, 25% jealous/confused. i would never wish infertility issues on anyone, but really? the first freaking month of knockin' boots for any reason other than fun and it works for you? what??! and to announce it all in my face not knowing that i was pregnant too? ouch. i felt that all too familiar knife in the heart/kick in the gut feeling all over again.

i guess i just can't imagine how that would be. getting pregnant easily will never be our life. how perfectly amazing to not have to try. to never have to feel the disappointment month after month. to never have fear and doubt settle in that maybe there is a problem and maybe, just maybe, you will never have a child with the person you love most in the world. to never have been ttc so long that it is just ridiculous to measure the time in anything other than years.

i cannot imagine a pregnancy where the happiness of making it this far isn't overshadowed by the constant, intense worry that something might go wrong. and the worry that if God forbid something did go wrong that i won't have the strength to go through another 3 years of ttc if that is what it would take.

a day later, i really am completely happy for my friend. it just takes awhile to get all the way there.

12 weeks, 2 days - off of work

i went to the dr yesterday for my 12 week appt and mentioned my constant nausea/vomiting to the nurse again as well as needing a shit ton of IV fluids last week. i was kinda annoyed b/c she acted like we didn't have this conversation 4 weeks ago. things she said that made me want to rip off my own face and strangle her with her stethoscope:

1. well, pregnancy DOES cause morning sickness.
2. we don't really like to do this, but maybe the dr will write for some zofran.
3. have you tried: smaller meals, acupuncture, eating before you get out of bed, ginger, just fluids, queasy pops, etc?
4. can you rest at work?
5. maybe you will feel better by 20 weeks.

to this i replied:
1. yea, bitch (ok, not the bitch part) i know it does. but i literally throw up everything and it's worse at work. did i mention that i've lost 8lbs now?
2. you already gave me zofran. last visit. thanx, it sucks.
3. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and for the love of God, YES! i tried all of that weeks ago, like i told you at the eight week appt.
4. i work in a f-ing pediatric ICU, what do you think? while i did fall asleep in the bathroom sunday night b/c i was in there throwing up for the 9th time and it was taking awhile, that sort of thing is generally frowned upon.
5. kiss my ass. 4 weeks ago you told me i would feel better at 12 weeks. now you are just making things up.

long story short, my dr came in and was much more sympathetic and understanding. he took me out of work for 2-3 weeks at first and we will re-evaluate at the end of that time. he also wants me to get a zofran pump if my insurance covers it.

he had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat, but i was really not concerned at all because of how sick i have been. after putting me in about 4 ridiculous positions he found it, which really doesn't make sense to me since i am pretty skinny, but oh well. maybe his doppler sucks as much as his nurse.

we discussed the findings of the high risk ultrasound that i had last week since that dr basically said "ok, neck measurement looks good. bye. oh, and btw, there is a band of tissue that shouldn't be there that the baby might get stuck in. sometimes it can cause amputations. we'll check it again at 20 weeks. ok, bye again." my regular ob dr said that he looked at the ultrasound and he really wasn't sure that it was anything to be concerned with, it may have been artifact. i would like to think that a high risk ob dr knows what he is looking at, but for peace of mind i'm going to go with what the regular ob said. he shot down my request for an ultrasound sooner than 20 weeks to check it because apparently there isn't much they can do about it anyway.

the best thing? at the ultrasound last week the baby was moving all around like crazy making it a little hard to get the neck measurements. it was rolling, doing flips and putting on a really good show for us. we could have watched our baby all day. we also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time which was the most beautiful thing i have ever heard. things like that are what makes all of this worth it.