somebody kill me please

you know, as in the chorus to the song adam sandler sang (screamed) to drew barrymore in the wedding singer when he was auditioning to play at her wedding?

besides being incredibly disappointed by the cancellation of our 1st IVF, i'm also wicked pissed. and, really, is it any wonder? see below.

1.) i went to acupuncture again today in preparation for the IUI tomorrow. she asked me all kinds of questions, and after doing the usual pulse and tongue check she says to me, "gee, i don't know why you have such a hard time getting pregnant. it shouldn't be this hard. everything looks good."
-yea, bitch, i know it shouldn't, but it is. now how's about you get crack-a-lackin' with the needle jabbing so i can get on my way. and, while you are jamming needles in places that i'm still not convinced they belong; you can say more fun things to me like, "you would be such a great mom" or "golly jeeze, your babies would be so beautiful." really. i'd love it. <-sarcasm.

2.) the way too fucking excited and overly cheery ultrasound tech at my RE's office is also on my list. i like my bitches to keep it real. her over enthusiasm makes me all twitchy. i can't be held accountable for what might happen if this continues. i mean, my legs are already up in holsters and her face isn't that far away. i'm just saying, she might be seeing a boot to the head in our very near future. especially if she tells me again that everything looks just super-duper when all i have is 4 follicles.

3.) the shitty performance from my ovaries. wtf is all i can say about that. well, no, i can say more...they are like the really slow kids in the class that have IEP's and what not and still get D-'s. they need a 'hooked on phonics-getting your shit together and start producing some good follicles already' edition . and a few swift kicks. and more 'roids.

4.) the pictures of the sweet, adorable, delicious babies that are plastered all over the walls that i had to walk past yesterday after speaking with our RE about cancelling our IVF. what's next? actual live adorable babies that i have to fucking step over on my way out the door?

5.) and then there is this ignorant slut:

"please help me because i'm so worried, 5 days ago i sort of had sex with my fiance ( by sort of i mean without penetration ) the problem is that after having orgasm both of us i went to the bathroom to find transparent Secretions with blood drops, this went on till next morning , then after one day i found pink blood in my underwear and every time i go to the toilet i find brown Secretions, my main concern that my fiance had orgasn befor me and when i was finished i couldn't find semen anywhere but in the bathroom it was like soap bubbles when i was washing.
i just want to know why there is blood and where did the semen go
ps. i'm still virgin
he ejected away from the vaginal open"

i found this little gem while i was googling stuff about progesterone b/c the nurses at my RE's office don't like to give info. anyway, ummm, is this a joke? because i tried to strangle myself after reading the first two lines. who is really that awful of a speller? why in the hell is 'secretions' capitalized? while your main concern is the ghost semen, mine is the fact he 'ejected away from the vaginal open,' and the 'soap bubbles.' and, no, my friend - you are not even close to being a virgin. nice try. and stop using the word 'toilet.' it's gross. i hate you. you're a giant asshole.
p.s. good luck with the pregnancy.

well, fuck

we had another appointment today for an ultrasound and blood work. i only had 4 follicles that were worth a damn so we are probably going to cancel this cycle. i wanted to as soon as i heard the low number and our dr confirmed that it would probably be wise to change to an iui cycle in hopes of getting more follicles next time with a different medication protocol. so, we'll just wait on the call from him later to tell us what we are doing for sure and we'll decide later tonight if we even want to do another iui. we've done 4 already and they haven't worked, so i may opt out altogether.

tiffanie 1, IVF 9,654,145,786

my acupuncturist thinks i'm easy

so i went to my first acupuncture appt a couple of days ago. the lady was really nice. kinda earthy. i liked her, but fully expected her to bust out with some incense and feathers and do a jig around me. she was very thorough and asked a lot of good questions about my health in general and our infertility history. after the interview, pulse checking and tongue inspecting she told me to get undressed down to my bra and underwear and put on a gown that opens to the back.

so, let me take this time to explain that i have not been to a dr for anything the last 3 yrs other than the RE and my once yearly appt with my general dr for my Rx refill for migraine meds. meaning, every time i have been to the dr in the last 3 yrs with the exception of 2 visits, i have had to disrobe from the waist down. everything off, pants, underwear, you get it.

i clearly was not paying attention to what i was doing. i saw the exam table, the paper covering and did what i always do. everything off from the waste down. at the last minute i remembered to put my underwear back on and was in the middle of doing that when she came in. i think she either thinks i am mentally challenged, a giant perv or super easy. she mumbled something about "oh. those can stay on honey" and went about her business. ahhhh. i felt like an asshole. sorry, acupuncture lady. i will try harder to keep my lady bits under control and under wraps from now on.

as far as my dr's appt on friday - i had 5 follicles on the left and 3 follicles on the right all measuring between 10mm and 13mm with some smaller follicles that are lagging behind. my E2 level was up to 275. it still doesn't sound that great to me, but they are keeping me on the same dosage of gonal-f and lupron and will see me again on monday. they have stopped telling me a prospective ER day.

stim check, day 3.5

we had our 2nd appt for an u/s and blood work yesterday. according to the ultrasound tech my uterus looked fine, i had 3 follicles <10 on my right ovary and 5 follicles <10mm on lefty. i would have been annoyed with the small number of follicles and my underachieving ovaries, but the tech said they don't get hung up on the number of follicles at this appt, it's more to make sure that i am responding and that my E2 level is ok. my E2 level was a shitty 47, up from 15 before starting stims. this level isn't great, as a matter of fact, it's borderline worthless.

so, next appt is scheduled for friday, which will be day 8 of stims. i just called the IVF nurse back today b/c i am still freaking out about the low E2 level and she said they will decide if this cycle will be cancelled on friday or if we need to adjust meds. i asked yesterday after the call about the E2 level and again today if they wanted to change my meds now and the answer both times was a big fat 'no and please stop bothering me, you crazy IVF girl, i've got people with a real chance at success to deal with here.'

i also tried to get some info about acupuncture since my RE's office has a in-house acupuncturist. the useless receptionist was no help and i feel dumber after talking to her. she also eluded that i an extremely irresponsible IVF patient b/c i should have been doing acupuncture this whole time. duh. here's a fun sample of what i dealt with for 8 minutes before i had to hang up and bang my head on the table.

question 1: when should i get my first acupuncture treatment?
shitty useless answer: you should have already had it. many people come here for months before they start IVF.

question 2: what is the recommended # of times to have acupuncture when undergoing IVF?
shitty useless answer: it really depends on what your problem is. that will be discussed at your first appt.

question 3: how exactly does acupuncture help, other than increase bloodflow and decrease stress?
shitty useless answer: it really depends on what your problem is. that will be discussed at your first appt.

question 4: will i be able to schedule an appt when i find out when my ET will be since it's kinda last minute?
shitty useless answer: it really depends on what your problem is. that will be discussed at your first appt. we'll try to fit you in.

so, super. all i know after that conversation is that the lady answering the phones is a useless bitch, each session is $100, i am already a bad mother according to her. she would probably blame my shitty E2 on my lack of acupuncture from age 5 up til now. i gave up on having acupuncture at that place other than the day of ET if we make it that far. i will have an acupuncture treatment right before the ET and then again right after. in the meantime i will be having acupuncture by a far nicer lady that is closer to my house anyway. first appt is today.

as far as any side effects i am having - the lupron has made me excruciatingly tired from the beginning and continues to do so. i also have a weird constant headache that never really goes away, but gets better/worse intermittently. the gonal f causes more hot flashes than i had w/ the lupron and slight irritability. my skin is wicked dry, and i'm not sure who the culprit is on that one. i also seem to have some laxative effects from the gonal-f which i don't recall from taking it before. but, i see it as win/win. i'm getting some (hopefully) good follicles and possibly losing some weight. bring it.

tiffanie 1, IVF 1 (shitty E2)

Suppression check, check.

we had our first ultrasound this morning to see how i responded to the 10u of lupron. my uterus and lining looked great and i had a few antral follicles on each ovary which was "just perfect." they want estrodial levels under 100 and mine was 15. so far i am kicking IVF's ass. tonight is my last night of 10u of lupron, then tomorrow i switch to 150u gonal-f in the morning and 150u in the evening and decrease my lupron to 5u in the evening.

as for the exciting news i mentioned a few days ago, my husband and i were selected to participate in a documentary on infertility and the different routes to having a family. we are obviously doing the IVF part, but there will also be a part on surrogacy and adoption. so, the camera crew went with us to our appt and did some taping at our house. they will be with us for all of the big appts and the pregnancy test. they found me through my blog back in the fall, but i didn't think that we were going to do IVF until april/may and that was too late for production. then one of the producers happened to email me again right before starting lupron to ask how things were and where we were at in out treatments. since we moved things up it was perfect timing for them. how freakin' cool is that??!!

that's it for the updates. next ultrasound and blood work isn't until monday the 2nd. the IVF nurse thought that my retrieval would probably be march 9,10 or 11th, but obviously depends on how i respond to the meds. holy hell!


tiffanie 1, IVF 0

lupron is like a lame ass prom date

it's day 8 of my lupron injections and besides a few hot flashes, wicked tiredness and my inability to give myself an injection without hesitating every time, it's not too bad. where are my crazy hormone rage filled fits? including tonight i have 3 more 10u sq injections before my ultrasound and blood work on thursday.

i will have some exciting news about a project that will educate the general public about infertility and the different paths that couple's take to become parents in a few days:)

and, whoever left me the comment/assvice about stress affecting fertility - yea, i got it. we have been ttc for almost 3 yrs. i worked 3 days a week for the entire first year of ttc and had not yet started graduate school. i didn't even know what stess was and had no luck.

ps - welcome ICLW:)

conversations that will make me talk bad about you

convo #1.
me: blah, blah, blah to a friend about my upcoming IVF
eavesdropping asshole: i know someone who did IVF and it didn't work.
me: well, it doesn't always work the first time.
ea: yea, they did it twice and it didn't work. what a waste. why even bother? you people should just adopt.
me: (snarl.) us people? what exactly is us people? and, thanks by the way for raining shit all over my IVF parade when i wasn't even talking to you. would you like to next talk about how i'll probably fail both of my boards in the summer and if by some small chance i do pass, i'll probably never in a million years find a job that i want? huh? would you like that?
ea: blank stare. blink. blink.

convo #2
me: having a convo w/ a friend, general stuff, IVF, etc.
retarded whore: ohhhhh, are you gonna put 8 in like that one lady?
me: (instant seething rage.) no. we. will. not. we are putting 2 embryo's in. do not ever again think that you are funny or clever.
rh: oh, i was just asking.
me: you make me want to claw off my own face, but since i am too pretty it will have to be yours. and, here's a question for you - do you have a corkscrew so i can give myself a lobotomy in hopes of removing the memory of all the stupid things people like you say?

convo #3
me: hey, i just wanted to give you a heads up for when i might need to be off of work for a couple of days since you are doing the schedule.
scheduling nightmare: oh. you mean for.........?
me: yea. i can at least give you a window, since it's our busiest time of the year, but no exact dates yet.
sn: you really should keep that to yourself. you shouldn't be telling people.
me: yea, see, i'm telling you out of professional courtesy. not because we are friends or i want your stellar advice that you are always handing out.
sn: well, someone here went through IVF and told everyone and it didn't work out too well for them if you know what i mean.
me: no, i don't know what you mean. did telling everyone cause their uterus to fall out? and, i'm not telling everyone. you only get to know by default because you do the schedule. don't think for a second that i want you to know. and, do me a favor, can you smother yourself with that ridiculous turtleneck of yours that you always insist on wearing? thanks.

and, to the slut-whore-c-u-next-tuesday who told me i should re-evaluate myself and change my blog - go fuck yourself. i didn't ask for your opinion or approval. you mean less than nothing to me. you are an ignorant cow and for the 4th time in case you still aren't clear: i am doing IVF to get pregnant, not because i am pregnant. how about you go re-evaluate yourself? like on some railroad tracks. or in a lake wearing cement shoes.