Tuesday, August 26, 2008

bat-tastic? not so much.

it appears that i am living in some sort of a weird dimension, a bat vortex if you will. case in point: it started a couple of weeks ago when we went to a few of the ohio zoo's-cleveland, akron and cincinnati. there were bats all up in those places and i refused to look at them while dh was taking pics. we went to my mom's house and were outside on her deck in the evening, so were about 20 bats. another day we were outside at dusk, walking through an old graveyard no less, and there were a ton of bats flying really close. then the bat in our house. the very next day we were eating at a restaurant (i won't give names but it's known by it's initials. there are 4 of them. the first one is a t and the last one is an f.) anyway, i ordered broccoli cheese soup and a strawberry fields salad. i had taken about 5 bites of soup when i found a black feather floating in it. probably from a motherfucking bat.
so, who ever cursed me, please remove it. or destroy the voo-doo doll of me w/ paper bats glued all around it.

also as a side note - the restaurant we were eating at? with the bat fur? yeah, so i sent the soup back and told them i didn't want any more soup or the salad for that matter b/c i was so grossed out. the manager then comes over and says he's sorry and all that crap and then says "oh, i went ahead and took those items off of your bill." um, you sure as hell better have. are you kidding me? he acted like he was doing us a huge favor. he's lucky i didn't go bat shit crazy on him. no? too much? yea, you're probably right.

other disgusting things i have found in food over the years-
chicken feather
fly (underneath a piece of baked chicken skin)
grasshopper (in green beans)
hair (in one restaurant i found a total of 3. and they were all different)

i'm sure there is more. i just blocked them out b/c of the severity of the disgustingness. and, i'm not even an asshole that would make someone put something gross in my food. i was a server once, i know to be nice to them. i think i need to stay at home unless i want ebola or something. and why do places offer you something else to eat? yea, i'd like the pork chops and go ahead and see if you can rustle up some hooves back there to throw on top of them. no, dammit you have made me anorexic for the night, or at least until i walk the fuck outta here.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

my house, the bat cave

i hate bats alot. even more then i hate lima beans. they are shifty little flying bastards that i don't trust.

imagine my horror when we came home from dinner with friends and margarita's to find an f-ing bat in our house. wtf? our house is not old, at all, so how a bat got in there i'm not sure. apparently they fly in through fireplace's, heating cooling vents and God knows where else. while my husband chased it around w/ a fishing net i stood in the kitchen under bright lights and screamed. constantly. for 10 minutes. i was absolutely no help at all. thank God for my friend darnell who schooled me on the art of in home bat removal. evidently all you have to do is turn out the lights and open a door and the skeezy bastard will just fly out, which indeed worked. otherwise my poor husband would still be chasing that damn bat because we have ridiculously high ceilings.

sleeping didn't go so well. i was afraid my sheets and pillows were all batted up. i could just picture it rolling around on my bed and grossing it up. i also had to sleep with my neck and wrists completely covered in case there was another one in the house somewhere and i have an irrational fear of things biting my neck and wrists.

as for my blogging absence, i needed a break. with ICLW last month i got completely drunk on blogging and ended up with a horrible blogging hangover.