Tuesday, December 30, 2008

old lady at macy's is an asshole

this post is late for 3 reasons:
1. - i am a lazy blogger
2. - blogging at work is prohibited
3. - my husband would have known he was getting some cologne for Christmas

here is the conversation as it went down between myself and the old "lady" working the cologne dept at macy's.

me: hi, i'd like to buy said cologne
old lady: ok, would you like the gift set? it comes with deodorant.
me: no thank you. (my husband has not ever used the extras that are put in the gift sets, ie deodorant, shaving cream, etc.)
old lady: but it's the same price.
me: no, thanks, i just want the cologne.
old lady: but it's the same price.
me: yea, got it, same price. i don't want the gift set, just the cologne. he doesn't use any of that other stuff.
old lady: (said in a disapproving old lady glare staring over top her jeweled glasses) WHAT?! your husband doesn't wear deodorant??!! come on now ma'am!
me: first of all, don't ever call someone who could be your granddaughter "ma'am." second, yes asshole, my husband does wear deodorant. my boyfriend,*(1) however, does not. he's also a whitesnake groupie and eats babies for a bedtime snack. now, be a peach and wrap that shit up for me there granny.

*(1) i don't really have a boyfriend.

*yep, santa is still an asshole. in fact old lady at macy's was probably mrs clause.

*jenn and shan - one of those tickers is for you guys:)

Monday, December 22, 2008

santa is a real asshole

really. i'm over him and his holly jolliness. two saturday's ago i was getting ready to go to my mother's for her Christmas celebration and the sound of firetrucks and horns stopped me in the middle of getting ready. they were in my development and sounded like they were right outside my door. i jumped up in eager delight hoping to see blood and guts (it's the nurse in me) or at the very least a robber running for his life. sadly, it was none of the above. nothing but santa clause on top of a fire truck driving up our cul-de-sac. there was plenty of honking and yelling "Merry Christmas" and jingling of bells. of course the neighborhood kids went running out to see santa and get candy canes that he was throwing.

i stood in my bathroom and cried as i watched the whole scene. happy kids excited to see santa. i cried because we may never have kids that will run down our driveway when santa comes. we won't be the parents smiling and waving from the doorway with our ridiculous holiday sweaters on. i cried until my neck was blotchy and my face was full of snot while my dog howled at the horns. to make myself feel better i tossed around the idea of running outside topless all mardi-gras style for some candy canes, but it was way too cold for my girls, and, i don't think santa would have liked that. you know, just in case he decides to bring me a baby for Christmas. in that case, i take it back, he's not an asshole.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

trolls and hobbits - oh my

for some reason grad school requires you to have several classes where you must work in groups. i find it ludicrous and extremely annoying. i'm almost 30 for cripes sake, i don't feel like i need to bond with other's over paper writing and project planning.

i've never been good at forced groups. i first found this out in kindergarten when i was forced to sit next to mark the extremely fat kid who breathed all gross, ate glue and had 2 different colored eyes; john, the token smelly booger-picker/eater; and christine, the ratty looking girl whose mother had not yet taught her daughter, or possibly learned herself, about the importance of shampoo and a comb. i was moved after 1 week of refusing to participate in any activities with them b/c, ewww, gross. (1)

then again when i was 8 i was reminded of this fact when i was kicked out of girl scouts after 3 weeks, which was totally fine by me. apparently i have been a smart ass most of my life as i was booted for making fun of some stupid ceremony that we had to do, refusing to hold hands and sing songs in a circle and probably having a general disdain for the entire organization. i only joined b/c we got to get out of class early on some days and it was easy access to my beloved somoas. (2)

which leads me to now. i now have to work w/ 4 other people that i was randomly assigned to (with the exception of 1) to write numerous papers and conjure up all kinds of research crap and plans for implementing new program plans based on what our research shows and blah blah blah. 2 of the girls are straight up useless, lazy dickheads and another, the troll, is a condescending asshole. i understand that she is in a constant state of pissy-ness, what with God making her so ugly and stupid and the fact that pro-active was clearly not an option for her 50 years ago, but really bitch? you're going to send me an email and tell me to use my g-damn spell check b/c your fucking hobbit husband read our paper and said i misspelled words? fuck you and your hobbit. i did use spell check you stupid bitch. had you read the paper yourself instead of having your husband do it while you filed down your horns, you would see that spell check is unfamiliar with much of the medical terminology that was used, as is someone who forages for their food under rotting tree bark and piles of shit. you are a lazy worthless cow. and your disgusting face looks like you belong in a wax museum that lost its air conditioning. oh, and ps - what the fuck is up with your hair, dude. flock of seagulls ring a bell?

1-names have been changed to protect their identity, but i still remeber them
2-true story

Thursday, November 20, 2008

to stim or not to stim

a couple of weeks ago i thought i had our whole infertile plan (re)-figured out. i got a really bad case of the "i-need-to-try-IVF-now-to-know-if-it-will-work-or-not-or-i-will-have-to-throw-myself-in-front-of-a-bus." i counted out my cycle days no less than 1,467,238 times and concluded that we could fit in a IVF in december right before Christmas. i mean, our deductible was met w/ insurance for the year, so why not, right?

it sounded right and i was so excited for about 10 minutes. then my fear of not finding a job after i graduate in may set in. and something that i found extremely annoying was that the RE that i go to, who is a large practice w/ many RE's, closes the office the entire week of Christmas and new years. wtf is that all about? long story short, we decided to wait until april-may for sure. for sure. i mean it this time. april-may, that's our time. really.

unless i decide to change my mind again because i am impatient. and crazed.

so, i suppose that our decision to wait should make me less fertile-intolerant? i think the first test that i failed was hearing that the pregnant man, who everyone knows is really a woman, is pregnant again. really? i mean (s)he just had a baby in june. and again? now? pregnant? i get it, everyone has the right to start a family, and blah blah blah, but really? i find it as annoying as those fertile superstars, the duggars. it's not so much the fact that (s)he is pregnant again, it's more the fact that i have to see this bearded lady all pregnant again. and, if i'm being honest? it kinda creeps me out. and, i can't even be held accountable for what i might be capable of if i hear anymore about his mangina or duderus.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

and, just like that...i'm back

assholes are a-plenty.

assholes who know me and my IF issues~

-i'm not sure what i have to do to make pregnant women stop complaining about how miserable they are to me. really, i mean, i am now thinking that the only way i am going to get it to cease is by carving the words "i don't give a fuck and i don't feel sorry for you b/c i am infertile" across my forehead. oh, how i wish i had a forehead the size of tyra banks' for this very instance.
-also, don't say "OMG you don't use the infertile excuse do you?" this was in the context of me talking about how my patients families always ask me if i have kids, why i don't, don't i like kids, don't i want any, and on and on until they see me wrapping the cord to my computer that i am charting on around my neck. so, yes, to avoid answering 1,954,789 questions and having them give me the stink eye b/c they think i don't like kids, especially theirs, i drop the we've been trying for awhile and have had no luck. so, you arrogant fertile asshole who looked appalled when i mentioned this when i was not even talking to you-go fuck yourself.

assholes in clinical~

-asshole #1
while doing a 2 yr old well child check the other week i had to answer annoying questions from a mother who was obviously a fan of the crack pipe. she was asking me things like "why can't i get her to eat more cake and cookies, should i be concerned that she doesn't like to eat that stuff?" you get the picture. anyway, here's the rest of our conversation:
me: (nonchalantly)"do you have any other children"
crack pipe hooker: "8" and then chuckles
me: (quietly crapping in my nice pantaloons) "8!"
crack pipe hooker: "yea, but don't worry, this one is the only one i have custody of."
me: "uggghh, well thank God for that"
crack pipe hooker: "what?"
me: "oh, nothing, just double checking my charting"

-asshole #2
i was seeing a 2 month old for their well child check and the mom who was 21 (i asked) says to me,
skanky fertile: "so, when do you think i should try for another one?" she is asking me this while ignoring her 2 mo old on the exam table and her 5 year old is tearing up the exam room and running his g-damn trucks into my shoes.
me: "what is the hurry, this one is only 2 mo old and you should take some time off of your personal crusade to populate the world with hillbillies to enjoy him."
skanky fertile: "i know, it's just my mom is bothering me to move out and i want another baby and i have a friend who has been trying to have a baby for a couple months and isn't having any luck. i don't want that to be me."
me: "yes, you have to watch that - infertility is very catchy. i would cut all ties w/ her and have sex w/ every man you can find until you are knocked up again. and, who wants their own place! good for you! suck the life out of your mother as long as you can! and, don't worry about me! i love working my ass of in school so i can have a good income and pay for your little ratty bastards! i love it! u go have fun, someone may as well. and, by the way, don't stand too close to me. boogity boogity."

dammit. i really need a new attitude.
and, i love jj;)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

i bid you adieu..

..for now, my internet friends. while i love nothing more than having a public complaining forum for all the a-holes that invade my airspace, i simply don't have time right now to write about it. this last year of grad school is busy- fall semester alone- 15 credits, 250ish clinical hrs and work makes for no fun for me.

i often sit in morning rounds at the hospital and think of many hilarious things while listening to the douche bag residents, but by the time i get home i am too tired to write about it or have some stupid waste of time paper that i have to work on instead.

so, until we resume our infertility treatments, (which i still have no idea when that will be), or someone has a giant case of asshole-itis, i am taking a blog vacation.

i will catch up with you all again when i return.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

happy anniversary to us

our 5 yr anniversary was sunday, aug. 31st:) we celebrated by going out to eat and buying new bedroom furniture. wahoo! so, hopefully we will have our beautiful furniture and delicious new mattresses in by the end of the month. although, the old dude that sold our mattresses to us, (which by the way are tempur pedic and amazing if i didn't mention!)says to us - "oh, 5 yrs? that's like a lifetime nowadays. well, i hope you have another 9 or 10 yrs." ummmm, what? did he just say he hopes we stay married for another 9 or 10 yrs then get divorced? to us? the cutest couple i have ever seen? ever? on our anniversary? weirdo. i'm going to let it slide and assume the alzheimers kicked in for a few seconds.

and, my husband also got me a super cute light blue and white coach purse that he picked out all by himself and 18 beautiful roses. i am a lucky, lucky girl.

in unrelated news, my friend kindra just found out yesterday that she is having twins! she is going to my old RE and did IVF w/ ICSI #2. so, congrats to her!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

bat-tastic? not so much.

it appears that i am living in some sort of a weird dimension, a bat vortex if you will. case in point: it started a couple of weeks ago when we went to a few of the ohio zoo's-cleveland, akron and cincinnati. there were bats all up in those places and i refused to look at them while dh was taking pics. we went to my mom's house and were outside on her deck in the evening, so were about 20 bats. another day we were outside at dusk, walking through an old graveyard no less, and there were a ton of bats flying really close. then the bat in our house. the very next day we were eating at a restaurant (i won't give names but it's known by it's initials. there are 4 of them. the first one is a t and the last one is an f.) anyway, i ordered broccoli cheese soup and a strawberry fields salad. i had taken about 5 bites of soup when i found a black feather floating in it. probably from a motherfucking bat.
so, who ever cursed me, please remove it. or destroy the voo-doo doll of me w/ paper bats glued all around it.

also as a side note - the restaurant we were eating at? with the bat fur? yeah, so i sent the soup back and told them i didn't want any more soup or the salad for that matter b/c i was so grossed out. the manager then comes over and says he's sorry and all that crap and then says "oh, i went ahead and took those items off of your bill." um, you sure as hell better have. are you kidding me? he acted like he was doing us a huge favor. he's lucky i didn't go bat shit crazy on him. no? too much? yea, you're probably right.

other disgusting things i have found in food over the years-
chicken feather
fly (underneath a piece of baked chicken skin)
grasshopper (in green beans)
hair (in one restaurant i found a total of 3. and they were all different)

i'm sure there is more. i just blocked them out b/c of the severity of the disgustingness. and, i'm not even an asshole that would make someone put something gross in my food. i was a server once, i know to be nice to them. i think i need to stay at home unless i want ebola or something. and why do places offer you something else to eat? yea, i'd like the pork chops and go ahead and see if you can rustle up some hooves back there to throw on top of them. no, dammit you have made me anorexic for the night, or at least until i walk the fuck outta here.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

my house, the bat cave

i hate bats alot. even more then i hate lima beans. they are shifty little flying bastards that i don't trust.

imagine my horror when we came home from dinner with friends and margarita's to find an f-ing bat in our house. wtf? our house is not old, at all, so how a bat got in there i'm not sure. apparently they fly in through fireplace's, heating cooling vents and God knows where else. while my husband chased it around w/ a fishing net i stood in the kitchen under bright lights and screamed. constantly. for 10 minutes. i was absolutely no help at all. thank God for my friend darnell who schooled me on the art of in home bat removal. evidently all you have to do is turn out the lights and open a door and the skeezy bastard will just fly out, which indeed worked. otherwise my poor husband would still be chasing that damn bat because we have ridiculously high ceilings.

sleeping didn't go so well. i was afraid my sheets and pillows were all batted up. i could just picture it rolling around on my bed and grossing it up. i also had to sleep with my neck and wrists completely covered in case there was another one in the house somewhere and i have an irrational fear of things biting my neck and wrists.

as for my blogging absence, i needed a break. with ICLW last month i got completely drunk on blogging and ended up with a horrible blogging hangover.

Friday, July 25, 2008

alternate career choices

being infertile and a pediatric RN persuing a masters degree as a pediatric NP sucks. it sucks way more than anything i can think of. so, i've been thinking about a career change. get out while i still can, before i sink more time, money, blood, sweat and tears into this. here's what i have come up with.

1. MTV VJ. sounds like fun, right? i could sit around the pool all day and get drunk and watch people make asses of themselves while listening to music and work on my tan. well, as tan as one can get while wearing a moo-moo to hide their fat ass.
2. bus driver. as in greyhound, obviously not school bus. actually, there, that would be worse than what i do now - school bus driver. note to self: cancel plans to hurl self from heli-pad at work tonight.
3. horse wrangler. i'm not even sure what this is. but, i like horses. it could work.
4. hermit. away from all annoying pregnant people, cute babies and toddlers. sounds fantastic. although, i'd have to skip the living in caves part. bugs make me want to rip my throat out. perhaps agoraphobic would be more up my alley than hermit.
5. pole dancer/stripper. it's good exercise and it would eliminate those annoying trips to the ATM machine. also a pretty sure bet that babies and children would not be around. would also give me a reason to finally get some nice squishy new bewbies.
6. ninja. i think i would be good at this. i have alot of pent up anger and frustration that i would be happy to take out on anyone. i am also extremely stealthy. i like the color black. i like shiny things like those throwing stars. sold.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


with the kick off of ICLW yesterday i have been visiting a shit-ton of blogs. (more than a scoatch, but less than a ga-jillion).

anyhoodle, what the fuck is up with all the crazy word verifications that i have to put in when i want to leave a comment like a good blogger?

what in the name of all that is holy is hgkeiytoet? or mnxjilj? why the crazy colors and motherfucking fonts that make me question my soberness? did that thing just spell out go fuck yourself? does anyone else have this problem? no, just me. am i really the only one who has trouble figuring out what the hell i am supposed to type and then have to retype it 5 times? yes. i am the only asshole. ok, fine.

i'd like to make a suggestion to whoever makes up those ridiculous letter combos. pick some words i am more familiar with and have no trouble spelling like infertile, pastry, fellatio. hell, even pastry fellatio would be better. throw me a bone and stop wasting my time with all the re-types. in-fucking-furiating.

and, has anyone actually tried the handicapped symbol that is beside the word? i can't muster the courage. thinking about it makes me all itchy. for some reason i picture lights, sirens and a short fat bald man with a bull horn yelling the letters at me.

Monday, July 21, 2008

slim shady

or chubbs mcbitchy

according to my july horoscope in bazaar magazine i am supposed to refrain from being a raging biatch and "be aware that my high standards are preventing me from giving less than perfect people a chance. stay grounded when engaging with others and magic will be in the air."

i read this thursday night. friday night it was my turn to float at work because the picu was not busy. i floated to nicu which is boring, boring, boring. i hate nicu. it's not real exciting, a real snoozefest if you will. mostly a bunch of babies that were born too early and need to grow.

while getting report on my 2 patients, who as stated above, only need to grow, i look over at one of them who had been screaming the entire time i was getting report. the nurse says to me "oh, you'll probably have to hold her all night or she'll scream like that." before i could even control my horror at the thought of holding a baby all night long i responded, "gah! no thanks, i don't hold patients." i know that sounds horrible, but i really don't like to touch people, especially patients. i am the epitome of a germaphobe. look it up in the dictionary and there's my picture. i always wear long sleeves or a jacket as well as gloves at work so i don't come in direct contact with someone. and, for obvious reasons, i don't like to hold babies. this isn't usually a problem in the picu. most of them are intubated and i couldn't hold them even if i wanted to, which i don't. i know, i'm in the wrong profession. anyway, the nurse looked at me like i was a horrible person, which i didn't blame her for. then i replied, "well, they shouldn't have sent the infertile girl to a floor with 42 m-fing babies on it, eh?!" she then changed her look of disgust to a look of pity and gave a small uncomfortable laugh. yep, played the infertile card to avoid darts being thrown at a picture of me in the break room with the words "baby-hater" underneath it. and it worked.

there were 4 babies in the room i was in, which meant i got to be extremely close and not so cuddly with them and the other RN in there. the doors were all shut, and while there's a ton of windows, it was like a cell of doom in there. i hate enclosed places, especially when it is with 4 crying babies and 1 extremely annoying nurse. i tried to follow what my horoscope said and was able to be friendly for about 30 minutes and that is all i could manage of my 12.5hr shift. she was telling me her life story, how old she was, about her baby daddy, singing songs, laughing at herself, making shooting noises at the computer like she was playing battleship, snorting, chewing her gum like an effing cow, eating her candy loudly, telling more ridiculous stories that i didn't ask to hear and constantly leaving for 40 min breaks and leaving me to watch her fricken babies too. here's a slice of my night:

crazy RN: celebrate good times, c'mon! i just don't know why that song is in my head.
Me: me either
crazy RN: it's sooooo good! i love it!
Me: yea, it's super duper
crazy RN: i'm gonna sing it ALL night long! yea! wahoo!
Me: please don't

then -
crazy RN: blah, blah, blah, so then i was going to take my daughter to the zoo...
Me: uh huh (not looking up from my completely blank computer screen)
crazy RN: but then blah, blah, blah...
Me: wow (still staring at blank screen)
crazy RN: and then, blah, blah...
Me: wow
crazy RN: ahaha, you're so funny! you say wow alot! i like to talk to you!
Me: yea, about that, can you go back to singing? i think my ears are bleeding.

thanks crappy horoscope. i stayed grounded and the only magic that was in the air was the sweet sound of monitoring alarms that would occasionally go off and drown her out for a minute. i picked the loudest alarm that went off the most and sat by it all night. and thanks nicu for making it absolutely impossible to follow my horoscope by putting me in the room w/ someone your own staff doesn't even like.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

the road to Heaven is paved with good intentions..

...and you sir, or shall i call you something you are familiar with: hillbilly redneck piece of shit dirt bag, will need to do some extra credit.

so, on the 4th of july my husband and i went to the drive in, which strangely enough was f-ing packed. we had sat through the first movie which was good (hancock) and were 3/4 of the way through the 2nd (get smart) when we decided to leave b/c we were over it when we realized that our suv had died. now, let me just preface this by saying that we weren't driving a 1980 hugo, it's a saab, like barely a year old, and they advertise that those fuckers are built like a jet or something or other as far as the engine. anyhoodle, it was unstartable so we had to wait for the movie to end before we asked anyone to give us a jump. the person directly to my husband's side had the same idea as us and bailed before it was over. so, my husband went to look for someone that worked at the drive in and couldn't find anyone so he asked the guy in a red dodge ram beside me. the conversation went like this;

my husband: hi, can i ask you for a favor? our car died and we need a jump. i have cables.
redneck cocksucking asshole: no. i'm not going to give you a jump.
my husband: i'm sorry, what?
redneck cocksucking asshole: no, i'm not going to give you a jump. go find someone that works here. i'm not going to jump you.
my husband: ok, thanks.

i thought the guy was totally kidding. i mean who says no to that? certain things are totally acceptable to refuse to a stranger. examples: can i try a bite of your pasta, can i have $500, blow me, etc. other things such as can i get a jump, call 911, can you get that door for me, etc. are never to be refused.
but, i digress. so, in my anger i went over to the person 2 cars down and asked them for a jump which was not a problem for them. as the guy in the silver ford f-150 was pulling up to our suv i looked over at the redneck cocksucking asshole in the red dodge ram and gave him the stink eye for about 2 min. then in a loud voice, b/c i instantly turn into a 5yr old when shit like this happens, i said to the wife of the guy that was helping us, "thanks so much for helping us. that a-hole right there in the red truck wouldn't help us. can you believe that? who does that? well, i'm an icu nurse and i hope he doesn't need any help anytime soon. asshole. he just helped me write my next blog." and, yes, unfortunately i really did ramble on like that within earshot of the a-hole.
while i'm sure the reason he didn't help us was because he had to hurry home and put some water in his wife's dish, he ended up leaving the same time we did. so, i got a good look at his license plate which i have committed to memory. i memorize plates of all asshole in case i ever come across them again. i've been told i am vengeful and just a wee bit psychotic. there's a guy in one of my classes that i am quite sure is a vampire, or at the very least the walking dead. he has a weird dead tone to his skin and has veins on his face and head that only someone who has been dead for 10,000 yrs can acquire. so, maybe i'll buddy up w/ him and give him the plate number to do my dirty work.

so ~
saab: you do in fact not built your vehicles like a jet. if you still contend that this is the case, i do not wish to fly on any jets that you took part in installing/assembling/or general fucking around with. please forward a list of all flying crafts that you have been in contact with to me.
vampire guy: wanna be friends? i can offer you protection. i know the right people. and, i have access to the blood bank. just a thought.
redneck cocksucking asshole: sleep with 1 eye open. also, you might want to invest in some garlic, a cross, and a silver bullet to cover all your bases. and a book on how to be a descent person, you dickhead.

Friday, June 20, 2008

well played, grasshopper

so, my husband has this trick. i'm going to divulge top secret shit here, so put down your cheeseburger and beer and listen. here goes - when you want something and the other person is not cooperating, just stare at them. the uncomfortableness will eventually lead them to give in. case in point: on wednesday i bought 4 bottles of wine (what?) and bought 1 bottle of a shitty pinot noir. we like pinot, i had just forgotten that we did not like this particular kind. so, i was going to save it for when we already had a bottle drank and then drink the pinot thinking we'd be drunk because, frankly, yak piss tastes delicious to me after 1/2 a bottle. but, my husband wanted me to try to take it back. this is what transpired -

me - hi, i'd like to return this bottle of wine
cashier - you can't return alcohol
me - but i bought the wrong kind
cashier - sorry, state law
me - but i bought the wrong kind. accidentally. this stuff is horrid.
*long uncomfortable silence with me holding my bottle of sewage. still silence. staring at each other. and....she gives in first
cashier - well, let me see your receipt
me - here. i just want a different kind
cashier - ok, i guess i'll do an exchange
me - that's what i thought, biatch

score. then i bought a few items at a different register. this is the conversation that left me feeling like i wanted to throw myself into oncoming traffic. or break the bottle of wine on the side of the register all bad-ass like and slit my own wrists (think happy gilmore w/ shooter and the beer bottle after they told him to be on the green at 9p). here goes:

cashier - you look tired
me - yep
cashier - me too. sometimes these 3 hr shifts just kill me
me - you're complaining about 3 hrs?
cashier - i know, right?
me - long exasperated sigh
cashier - ya know, my boyfriend of 4 1/2 yrs just broke up w/ me this morning.
me - bummer
cashier - i'm going out tonight
me - blank stare
cashier - yea, my friend that works in the deli asked me out. i know there is something there and he has feelings for me. you know when you just know? he just won't say. but i think he'll tell me tonight.
me - make sure you put out. i will punch you in the throat if you say 1 more thing.
cashier - dead behind the eyes stare

gah. i'm not sure if it was "handicapped employees that don't shower regularly and whose gender is not entirely clear" day or what, but that was the case w/ both. anyhoodle, i got my wine and didn't have to throw too much of an asshole fit.

Friday, June 13, 2008

i love this picture!

ok, my amazing husband figured it out for me! now you don't have to click on the x below!

another instance that shows how computer retarded i am

so, click on the X to see one my fav pics. i could not for the life of me figure out how to make it show up. AHHHHH!!! if anyone has any idea's, let me know. i also need to get the block of text on the side to not be black. it won't allow me to change it like all the other parts of my blog. anyone? idea's? help!

happy friday the 13th!

2 hott 2 handle

ok, for the last 3 weeks i have sat silently on tuesdays and thursdays and secretly amused myself by reading a girl in my stats class' t-shirt for the day. i even went as far as to get there early so i can see it when she walks in so i don't miss it, which is apparently what happened the first day of class. so you can get the full visual she is in her mid 30's, about 5'0 and i'm not going to guess her weight but she could definitely benefit from a butts and guts class. anyway, i've been writing them down and here is a sampling of why i probably didn't do so well on my midterm today:
1. 2 hott 2 handle
2. don't give me attitude, i already have one
3. is there anything else i can ignore you (rest was missed due to fat rolls eating her shirt)
4. pimpin'
5. milf
6. brunette bombshell
7. sexy can i? (i'm pretty sure she made this one with her be-dazzler and puff paint)

i took the liberty of ordering her a few more shirts that i think are more fitting:
1. chunky ass ho
2. b. spears' much older sister
3. pirate hooker
4. filthy mcnasty

*and no, this is not the "eyelashes" girl. it's a class full of fashion misfits.

Friday, June 6, 2008

i heart our new RE

we ended up switching RE's for insurance reasons. i was a little sad at first because i really liked my old one, but i am over that now. in fact, what was his name again?!

we met with the new one, Dr. Goldfarb, yesterday. he was actually my first choice anyway. i went w/ the other one at the last minute because his office was closer to work and school and more convenient. anyhoodle, he is very nice and sat w/ us for an hour explaining things and answering questions. he gave us a 50-60% chance of success with IVF, so that's exciting. i was worried that i wouldn't be sedated well enough for the egg retrieval/transfer because i have heard more than 1 (ok, 3) horror stories of being awake for the brutality of it. i do not wish to remember the gang-banging with 4 metal skewers and sponges as my friend jennepper does. he assured me that i would have a lovely mix of fentanyl, versed and propofol. sounds delicious to me! he even knew that we were nurses! it's not that i care that he knows that, it's the fact that he obviously reviewed everything in our chart and took time to pay attention to things other than infertile-ness.

so, all in all it was a good day. he's been doing this a long time and i'm a little less anxious now. i just wish we could get this show on the road. we are still planning on waiting until late spring/summer for the IVF.

*he did actually say to us "who knows, maybe you'll get pregnant on your own before you have to come back and see me." i said "really? even after we've been off of birth control for 4.5 yrs?! ya think?!" he then says "oh, ok, well maybe not as much of a chance after all." yea, that's what i thought. he's lucky i didn't go banana's on his ass and tip his desk over and throw some chairs around while foaming at the mouth. but, i contained myself b/c obviously we need him more than he needs us.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

see if you can guess the worst part of my day....

was it:

1.) hitting snooze a zillion times until i was waaaay late in getting up

2.) being so late that i only have time to shower, not also wash my hair

3.) having to do research clinicals today at the homeless shelter where
a.) it was very unorganized and chaotic
b.) we were doing dental checks
c.) on homeless women and kids

4.) we only got 15 min to cram down our lunch

5.) after said terrible ordeal i went to the mall w/ a friend who just had to go to baby gap and gymboree. she has no kids. neither do i. she is not infertile. i am.

if you guessed #5 you are fucking brilliant. it was shitloads of fun. shitloads. i resisted the urge to buy things for our baby that we may or may not get to meet; mainly a bundle of the cutest g-damn onsies i have ever seen at gymboree. there were 7 of them with cute things on the front like 'sprout,' 'monkey,' and i can't remember what hell else, but under the words was a corresponding cute little embroidered picture. cutest.thing.ever. i stopped buying things a long time ago and now it is all packed away in the closest, otherwise i would have forked over the nearly $60.00 in a second. i did manage to tear up like a dickhead though. yay me.

on a side note - who the fuck eats with a paper napkin tucked into the top of their shirt? really, who? and, for the record, this crazy hoe was not eating crab legs.

Friday, May 30, 2008

be on the lookout

yesterday i went to the grocery store after class at approx 8:30pm. i made the mistake of sitting in my car to finish listening to a song on the radio. apparently that made me fair game and put a target on my back because i saw an old woman looking at me from across the parking lot and walk towards me but didn't really think anything of it. until i was half bent over looking at something on the floor of the passengers side and i hear a knocking on the glass that scarred the crap out of me. it was said old woman and she shoved something in my face when i opened the door. now, you should know that when confronted unexpectedly by strangers i instantly turn into a retard and can't articulate well and also can only read about every 4th word of what is being presented b/c i am all nervous that i am going to get shanked or someone is going to kidnap me by putting a smelly rag over my face.

anyhoodle, the thingy she gave me was some sort of a small magnifying glass, i think, on a piece of paper that said something to the effect of "i am deaf. give me your $." well, i immediately start talking to her and then realize she can't hear me which only makes me fumble around like more of a nervous asshole. i was trying to tell her i didn't have any money on me b/c my husband found us a credit card that we get points for the more we spend so that is usually all that i carry. so i just reached into my pocket and pulled out my credit card and said "i'm sorry, this is all i have." that old woman then looked at me and rolled her eyes, snatched her glass/paper thing out of my hand, sighed and stomped away. yeeesh, sorry gram!

so, i got to thinking: if she can do that b/c she is deaf, why can't i do it to raise $ for IVF? so, if any of you see me passing out pictures of a good little cooperative uterus or some perky ovaries, than you better cough up something. preferably large unmarked bills. and if you don't i will give you the stink eye, which may or may not cause you to catch my infertility. you probably shouldn't chance it though.

also, i wish more people were like myself. by that i mean carry credit or debit cards. nothing is more infuriating than being in a store and having to wait on someone to count out all of their g*damn coins to get the EXACT amount that their bill is or having to wait on someone to write out their ENTIRE check only AFTER they learn what their total is. wtf, assholes? it's great that you have all damn day to write out checks, but i certainly don't have all damn day to wait for you to do so. why can't they at least write who the check is to, their name and the date? it's not like any of those things are dependant on the amt they are spending. maddening.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


at one time i was a huge NKOTB fan. i had all the paraphernalia and even co-wrote a play involving the fab 5 and especially loved jordan. i gave them up long ago, along with my leg warmers and training bra's. so, imagine my surprise and horror when i heard the commercial on the radio announcing their long awaited (by who exactly) return and as they were naming all 5 of their names, i still knew them. ALL of them. first and last names. ack! i'm going to go listen to some GWAR until my ears bleed to get their names and redonkulous girly voices out of my head.

i had some severely deranged dreams last night involving weird people from my past and i am blaming it on the closed head injury that i received from my dear sweet husband. HE fell asleep rubbing MY head and then started twitching like a crack addict. in the midst of his twitching he whapped me in the head with his whole arm. so, it was pretty relaxing for me as you can imagine. thanks love.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

no, you were not slipped some acid, or a roofy -

don't worry, i'm not keeping this atrocity that has become my template. it's late and i was trying to change it up a little. consider this one out of the running as i have an overwhelming urge to either fill a pool with dippin' dots and then roll around in them or go buy a disco ball every time i look at my blog. barf. enjoy til i change at my next posting. take some dramamine if you'll be here long.

on a side note ~

PSA - stop wearing fake eyelashes everyday.
that means you, girl in my statistics class. unless you are wearing pasties under your shirt or are a stand in prom queen, every tuesday and thursday, quit. really - between that and the heavy black eyeliner you look as though 2 porcupines are dueling it out on your face. it's all i can do to fight the urge to hurl my shoe at your head. at least taking off the faux eyelashes will eliminate one of the reasons i'd like to throw things at you. thank you.

Monday, May 26, 2008

top 2 things i'd prefer to avoid, like the plague -

1. baby showers (obviously)
2. children's b-day parties
~these will be # 14 and 15, of my ongoing list~

the latter didn't bother me so much until the beginning of the year. it's bad enough that i am around kids all damn day at work and school, but then to have to spend my free time with them too? not generally something i look forward to unless there is alcohol involved. and this party had none. wtf? no alcohol at a child's b-day party? lame!

yesterday we went to the b-day party of a cousin's little girl. she's 5 and had a ton of other kids there, including some under 1yr old. i probably would have been ok, having learned my lesson at the last baby's b-day party i was at which was:

*don't stand too close to the adorable baby smashing it's b-day cake all around or it will cause you to erupt into ridiculous amounts of tears that once started are hard to stop b/c it is another reminder that maybe one day you'll have a baby of your own to watch smash it's cake, but maybe you won't.*

so, i stood far enough back and half heartedly sang and the day would have been semi-tolerable had i not welled up w/ tears on approximately 6 other occasions. the first incident was when i saw the look on my husband's face when talking to a baby. such a genuinely sweet look comes across his face. i've seen that look many times, but only when there is a baby or small child in sight. nothing i can do brings that look and i'm afraid it will always be this way. so, once i start the water works, it's easier for them to keep coming. luckily though i didn't have to run and hide to pull myself together. i resorted to texting my very adorable and very snarky friend, jk, and all was good again.

one plus of the day was that since i didn't know many people at the party i only had to endure one question of 'how's the IF treatment going, or when are you having kids' it was more of a "how is everything going?" question with a sad face and head turned to the side with a nod. which, i completely ignored what they were really asking and yammered on about work, school, how quickly grass seems to grow, etc.

and, yes, i am aware this is completely ridiculous, but it is what it is.

Friday, May 23, 2008

get over it

i'd like to know why pregnant women think it is a fun game to make everyone guess what they are having and then act all coy and still not tell after they find out until they suck every ounce of life out of everyone around them by continuing to make them guess. well, guess what? it's really not that exciting, i mean there are only 2 choices. it's not like there are a whole host of fun things that you could be having. enough already.

Monday, May 19, 2008

confirmation that God does indeed hate me.....

1. i had to take care of a 14 month old patient thurs and fri who, coincidentally, had a very pregnant mother. i got to watch her 9 month pregnant ass parade around the hospital room walking like an asshole and then exaggerate the process of getting up out of the chair. every. single. time. bah.

2. we rented a movie on saturday that had no indication that there was going to be talk of having children. but there was. it sent me over the edge and i was crying like an asshole. in my defense, i had just had a crying fit b/c my husband was watching the horse races and i got all upset thinking about the poor horses and how terrible the whole sport is. i love animals - much more than people actually. i wish they had a nurse practitioner degree for cats, dogs, horses and giraffes. i would totally switch.

3. we also rented juno. obviously i knew that it involved a pregnant chick. then she made comment to jennifer garner about how she was lucky she wasn't pregnant or something. i immediately cringed. you know, cringed like when someone asks "what did you do last night" and someone else answer's "your mom." only the person's mom is dead, so it's really uncomfortable and not at all funny.

4. while watching the movie i happened to look out the window and sitting on our deck was a big fat pregnant dove. really, bird? really?! you are even in on this conspiracy to make my life shitty? i hate birds and i hope you are all itchy from lice. and ha - no epidural for you, you bragging bitch.

5. my hairstylist, who is a dude, apparently had a sperm count of zero at one time. how do i know this? b/c the very first time i went to him he asked if i had kids and said that we were trying and pretty much ended up telling him my whole story the first day and i also heard his. zero sperm count. any who, he knows that our only issue so far seems to be with me and my endometriosis. wednesday when i went he says to me, "you're not gonna believe it - i have a sperm count." he then says that his wife also had a LAP and found she has endo too. then, like a true asshole, he says "i'm so relieved it's not me. that was a horrible feeling." i really had to fight to not rip the foil out of my hair and asphyxiate him with it, but in the end i thought of what was important - my hair. if he didn't want a tip, he should have just said so, he didn't have to be a dick about it.

6. i saw my regular dr on monday for a migraine that i had for 6 days straight and she was asking general questions on my health and if anything had changed since i last saw her a yr ago. i informed her i had a LAP for endo in sept. she then says, "well, you must be REALLY fertile now, huh?!" i said, "do i look 8 months pregnant to you?" apparently she is aware that she is not working for tips.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

entended LOA from IF

well, i had thought we were taking a small break from ttc until like this summer, summer of '08, when i was on a break from classes starting at the end of july and after we switched RE's. did i mention summer of '08? anyway, saturday my husband drops the ball that he would like to wait until i am done with school to pursue IVF. huh?! was all i could say and then cry like an asshole. partly b/c i was devastated, mostly b/c i had drank half a bottle of pinot noir and half a bottle of champagne. for a couple of minutes i was scared and sad. and pissed. he said that he hadn't really given the whole infertility treatments thing much thought until now, which also made me not so happy. every month i had sat down with him and explained where we were at, what our options were and what i wanted to do based on preference and speaking w/ the RE. he would usually agree with what i said and be done with it. so, it didn't surprise me when he admitted that he didn't really think too much about stuff, it just surprised me that he actually said it and how crappy it sounded out loud.

anyway, before anyone decides to park in our development and run him down the first chance they get, i should say that he redeemed himself by saying how much he wanted to be a part of the pregnancy and enjoy it with me. he wanted us to have our best chance at making it work, meaning wait til i'm done with school and do everything right. he said "how will i get to rub your belly and read to it if you are gone every night working or in class?" that was the cutest, sweetest thing ever and it meant alot, b/c like i said, it wasn't a secret that he hadn't been very opinionated about treatment. it was nice to hear that he wanted to be a part of everything. and, in his defense, he is really very sweet - brings me flowers for no reason, does little cute things to make my day better and, after all, got me 10 pairs of shoes for my b-day.

so, while i would like to not wait, it does make the most sense. i can finish my final and most hectic year in school with little or no bloating/vomiting, have a real good time for my next b-day - which is a big one, go to a conference in san diego in march that i really wanted to attend and come home and drink any time i want to from a crappy day. it is the best plan, i just have never been good at being patient. for that reason i think i have him talked into maybe starting IVF again around mar-apr '09:) we are still planning on keeping the appt with the new RE on 6/5 to get our foot in the door and see what he has to say about our situation. i'm fairly certain i will have to have another lap by then, but oh well i guess. at least i am guaranteed some percocet after the surgery.

on the upside, until we start trying again i get to hear the things every ttc'er just loves. by loves, i mean it makes me want to grab the nearest sharp object i see and jam it repeatedly into my ear drums until i am deaf, deaf, deaf. ex:

1. "oh, you should have just said you were going to adopt. like 6 people in my dept. said they we done trying and started filling out the paperwork and then they ended up pregnant."
-really asshole? who and where are these people? because i know a lot of people and i don't seem to know any of the said breed that instantly becomes pregnant upon filling out adoption paperwork. you are a real fucker.

2. "you'll prob get pregnant as soon as you are done with school and not so stressed out."
-stop talking right now. really, just stop. if you don't i will punch you in the neck. clearly you have not been paying attn to anything, or you have some serious problems with short term memory loss and/or are illiterate. we had been trying long before school and stress was in the picture. dick.

3. "i bet you are pregnant right now, or will be soon because you stopped trying."
-how lucky/confident are you feeling with your bet there, ace? because i will see you your shitty bet and raise you a Maserati. that is just how unlucky/confident i am feeling. suck it.

Saturday, May 10, 2008


so, i was tagged by someone to do this. here goes:

4 Things I Did 10 Years Ago (1998)

1. partied like a rock star. finished my first year of college after managing to not go to class ever, because no one actually makes you, or go only to take a nap. finished the year w/ straight c-'s and d+'s. wicked excited that i didn't fail anything. found out following year that indeed i did fail everything as the college of nursing does not accept anything less than a c. retake ALL classes except university orientation.

2. move into 1st appt with roommate from the dorms, college boyfriend and some squirley random guy b/c our 4th roomie dropped out of school to follow bands around. back then it was cool to live with strangers. i swear.

3. worked at a psychiatric institution where i got my ass beat on a nearly daily basis by those crazy fuckers. i had the brilliant idea of working 16hrs a day for 7 days straight in the summer - then i could have off for a whole week. this was in fact not awesome, at all. who's the asshole that approved that? with my warped sense of humor and in my delirium one morning my friend melanie and i dressed all the patients in clothes that clashed badly for breakfast. i am a terrible person.

4. buried my friend shallay.

4 Things I Did 5 Years Ago (2003)

1. graduated college in may with my RN, BSN after 6 long years of trying out every major that the university offered. and, as mentioned above, retaking my entire 1st year. whatev.

2. future husband and i bought a house and move in in june, but have to keep in on the DL or else minister won't marry us. sorry God.

3. took RN boards in july and actually passed the first time. got first real job. around alot of narcotics. am in heaven.

4. married my love in august after dating 4 yrs. got back from honeymoon and got our first dog, kayla.

4 Things I Did Yesterday

1. harassed my theory instructor to give me those 10 damn points that i deserve for an assignment that i clearly did as evidenced by my electronic record that she and i both have b/c even though it is theory, i want my f-ing A. not a shitty A-, an A, like all my other grades this semester. so give it up already.

2. worked and really did not enjoy myself. at all.

3. ate a barfy sandwich that my husband brought home trying to be sweet. advice - stay away from a sandwich that has turkey, bacon and guacamole on it. super barf. the best part was that i had enough for 2 meals. great. ate eraser and styrofoam cup at work instead of rest of sandwich. sorry starving kids in Ethiopia.

4. went to breakfast w/ work friends after work. extremely sad that wally waffle does not serve alcohol with waffles. wtf? how can you be so close to 4 major hospitals and not serve alcohol at all hours?

4 Shows I Love to Watch

1. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. holy shit i love this show. i laugh immediately when i hear the theme song or see previews for it. fav episode - "million dollar baby" where dee wants to learn how to be a boxer to protect herself and starts having roid rages from her steroids that charlie is also stealing. f-ing brilliant.

2. Lost. i look forward to weekly viewings of this show. love sayid and jack. i often wish i was on that oceanic flight 815 as the island seems to cure everything from infertility to paralysis and even death. it would probably be in vain though as i would surely die from the smoke monster, polar bear, or random people that like to shoot the survivors. back to plan B for infertility.

3. Talk Soup/Best Week Ever. any show that makes fun of people is ok in my book. i watch religiously. slightly upset though as i recently noticed that joel mchale is going bald. yuck. not a fan of the baldies, unless they shave it, then sometimes it's ok. but, joel has been deceiving me for years. he has such a beautiful coifed mane from the front view, then he turns around and it's all very bad news. sigh.

4. Survivor. i can't help it. i love this show. i want it to stay on until i die, with only jeff probst hosting. i love him and his dimples and tacky "outback/survivor" attire that he wears. i am disappointed thought that the contestants don't lose nearly as much weight as in the first couple of seasons. remember the good old days when everyone was down to 70lbs and their hair was falling out? i was so jealous, not so much of the missing hair, more of the weight loss. it makes me warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. buck up survivor.

4 Things I Love

1. making a "love nest" on our living room floor with all the pillows and blankets we own. we lay there and eat, drink and watch tv w/ our dogs. it's fabulous.

2. spend time with my grandma. she is amazing.

3. cook/eat food. love food. i'm a pretty good cook and love to do it, but i also love to go out to eat.

4. go on vacation, eat like a glutton and drink like i need pink slipped to the betty ford clinic. grad school is seriously cramping my vacation style b/c i am so freaking busy.

Monday, May 5, 2008

out with the old, in with the new

first, i apologise for my absence. i've been having as ass-kicking good time with the final 2 weeks of the semester and all.

anyway, we finally went through the IVF papers. it went down like this -
"hey kitten, (that's my nickname for my husband. and?) i filled out most of the paperwork if you want to just look over it." him - "ok" and literally takes 3 minutes to read over the enire packet talking about everything that IVF involves, meds, risks, success rates, what to do w/ the extra embryo's, etc. so, i call to his attn that he totally ignored the page where we have to pick what happens to the embryo's if we get a divorce. he says, "i want them" (clearly still not paying much attn). i said "what in the hell would you do w/ my embryo's?" he says, "i'd have a surrogate carry them, so i can have part of you." i said, "but we're divorced, what will your new wife think?" he says, "what! we're divorced?! i thought you just died. keep your dirty bitch eggs then!" so, we decided: we get divorced - i keep my dirty bitch eggs; i die - he keeps them; we both die - we donate to another couple.

then today i took my medical records release form to my old RE to get all my records so i can take to my new RE b/c for some reason i can't schedule an appt w/ the new RE until they have ALL my records. i can't even schedule for a month from now. grrr. i'm also filling out a complimentary 5 day stool diary complete with pictorials for fun. anyway, it was like 12:50pm which apparently means that i need to stand like an asshole at the counter for no less than 15 minutes before someone helps me, even though there are people behind the counter walking back and forth. then, the secretary, who can only be described as the modern day 'mimi' from drew carey comes out to assist me. i ask how long she thinks it will be before i can pick up my records and she looks up at me and says, "well, you know so and so is at lunch. i'll have to have her call you." then she gives me a look of a traitor b/c she reads that the release is for the cleveland clinic and says, "well, you might get charged $35 for your records." oh, shit - $35! OMG! it's totally not worth saving thousands of dollars on IVF for! i said that's fine and she again reminded me that people were at lunch. ok, beotch, i get it - people are eating. who cares, just get my shit. it's also cinco fucking de mayo. i'm late for getting fucked up and making out w/ a one-eared, crazy-eyed donkey pinata while wearing a sombrero.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

that list -

11. vampires
12. oprah
13. double dippers

Monday, April 28, 2008

fun things i got to do in clinical last night

for those of you who don't know, i am currently doing clinicals in a pediatric ER.

1. i got to put a 2yr old's elbow back into place after the dad accidentally pulled her arm causing a radial subluxation (dislocated it). while it was very exciting, i'd say it was slightly less exciting than putting a shoulder back into place. if you go by ER that is on thurs nights, anyway.

2. since i get to write orders i took advantage of it. this was by far the one that really showed my knowledge and how far i have come as a PNP student.
'4.27.08 2230 ~ D/C camel toe STAT' which was written concerning a physician i was working with last night. the NP and RN i was working with found my assessment skills impeccable.

3. spent 45 min trying to convince an 13 y.o girl (that was crying and carrying on like she just found out miley cyrus cancelled her stupid show) to just take her g-damn medicine so she can get the hell out of my room b/c the ER is backed the fuck up. oh, and it will help w/ her wicked contact dermatitis/who-knows-what-kind-of-rash she got from swimming in a sewer.

and, yes, in just 2 short semesters i may be taking care of your children.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

apparently i've been dumped

today is some 27ish odd days since my last IUI. i did not call my RE with the arrival of af. i have been planning to break-up on the sly with him and switch to a new RE in preparation of IVF (insurance reasons), but it appears that he showed me. the office hasn't even called to see where i am or if i am dead. and, yes, i am that important that they should be inquiring about my whereabouts. especially since i called his house at midnight-thirty with this last cycle because i was sure that i was dying, or at the very least both of my ovaries were going to explode and i would have covered my poor patient in disgusting hail of ovary juice. oh well, thanks for nothing. i'd like to say it's been a great 8 months, but it really hasn't. i certainly won't miss your scorching lube that regularly burns off the first few layers of my epidermis.

now i really need to get this damn paperwork done for the new dr. will someone please finish my last 2 papers for the semester? i'll give you my firstborn child. (but you should know that i am not good at getting knocked up and you may end up w/ the short end of the deal.)

just kidding, i will be keeping any offspring should we ever have any. unless they are ugly, then maybe we can talk.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

the growing epidemic

i would like to address the growing epidemic of people and their wearing of rubber shoes, and more specifically, crocs. wtf people, wtf? i would like to personally ban any form of this shoe as it really serves no purpose other than to promote absolute laziness in picking the appropriate foot apparel. no one in their right mind should be wearing this shoe anywhere; not in the hospital when dealing with icky bodily fluids, not outside, not to the mall, not to dinner, etc. are flip-flops or sandals really too constricting for your comfort? do you just have an unquenchable desire to rock some shoes in a color that not even cindy lauper would wear? is the casualness that matthew mcconaughey exudes that appealing to you? are you just a straight up lazy dick head? and what is with the gems that you can add to the holes in the shoes? are you kidding me?

and, who in their right mind studies while on the crapper at school? i walked in to go #1 and in the stall right beside me was some weirdo with her notebook on the floor. huh? i like to make it a habit to save any kind of bathroom business that takes more than 1.5 min for my house, but on the rare occasion when it cannot be helped, i certainly don't bust out my notebook and bring a sandwich.

*sorry erin. i still like you even though you wear rubber shoes. but, that is strike 1.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

things not good about today....

1. i could not sleep b/c the second i did go to sleep and started dreaming, i dreamt that snakes with legs were chasing me (i suppose that makes them alligators if you want to get all technical on my ass) and my inability to scream.

2. i found out that a preceptor of mine for clinicals is pregnant (with her 3rd). great, should be just a super fun time for me in clinical the next 4 months listening to her pregnancy stories. too bad, i really did like her too. another one bites the dust.

3. the people in the PNP program, only 6 of us, had to go to NEOUCOM today for pelvic exams and dude exams. this was beyond barfy for the following reasons:

a. the dude was old, shorter than me and balding. he was also uncircumcised. also had no problem with showing off his less than impressive skin flute and it's 2 angry friends. i got the distinct feeling from his numerous retarded questions that he wanted to make us examine more of him. what dude-checking for testicular CA and having me tell you to turn your had and cough while i jam my fingers up into God knows where isn't enough for you? for the love of everything that is holy man!

b. for the female pelvic exams we had 2 older women. older like in their late 50's at least. one of them told us how to do the exam and the other one was the one we were doing the exam on. first of all, yuck. i hate everything about vagina's. everything. i can barely stand my own, or even the word 'vagina' for that matter. anyway, this older lady just layed on the table w/ all her glory hanging out for all 6 of us to see at once. again, yuck. i have a new found respect for the vag dr's out there. what made it particularly horrific was that the "model" and i do use that term loosely, was not shaved - anywhere. now, had i signed up for a 3hr viewing of my "hey na-na-na" i would have made damn sure to have the hedges clipped. not her - full on fur bikini that extended to her ankles. wtf? shaving her legs in the last 4 months was apparently too much to ask. then, her and her co-hort were WAY to into the gyney exams. there was absolutely no reason that it took the 6 of us nearly 3hrs to do 1 exam each on her. no reason at all. oh, and she had a cute little toilet paper dingle berry to her R vag/butt cheek area. just darling. had she taken the what i feel is necessary grooming precautions, this could have been prevented. we also had to check her anal canal - with 1 finger inserted into it as well as her vag at the same time to feel for abnormalities. barf. barf. barf. tonight i will be wishing for dreams of a snake with legs to be chasing me compared to the nightmare's i am sure to have now.

4. my clothes still fit like shit. am still fat. will eat away sorrows.

5. what i had to eat today: breakfast - can of mountain dew and med fries from mcdonald's. lunch - med coke, small fries and 2 apple pies and a choc chip cookie from mcdonald's. dinner: 2 chicken soft taco's and a can of mountain dew. what?

6. nearly died from carbon monoxide poisoning while in drive-through at t-bell. dude's car in front of me emitting wicked fumes. smelly car ended up dying at the pay window, right in front of me. had to watch retard get out of car and push it the rest of the way through the drive-through then jump in real fast before it rolled into oncoming traffic. delayed eating of taco's for 5 minutes. did not appreciate this.

7. and last but not least, my grandfather, whom i love dearly and miss like crazy passed away 1 year ago today.

things that convinced me not the rip my throat out today:

1. my deoderant appeared to hold up to the days events.

2. after class was done around 10:20 pm i went w/ some friends and had a nice delicious tall glass of blue moon. mmmmm.

3. i have 2 re-runs of The Office on my DVR to watch tonight!

4. the "P" in pnp stands for 'pediatric' nurse practitioner. not 'proctology' nurse practioner. otherwise, there would have been alot more disgusting digital/rectal penetration today. something i'm afraid i am just not up for friends.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

why am i smiling like a big a-hole?

- because steven coletti (sp?) from laguna beach is going to be on the hills next week! oh my freakin' gosh! can't wait!

you know that list of mine? i'd like to add to it -
9. baked beans
10. dr. phil

Sunday, April 20, 2008

kickin' me right in the broken babymaker

today i found out that a friend of mine was going to start trying for a baby. and, not from her. i'm sure she didn't tell me because she knows that i have been trying for a long time, but really? instead of feeling like i was going to throw up and wanting to run out of the room, which is what would have happened had she told me herself; i felt like i was kicked in the stomach - by a horse - repeatedly.

i realize that is completely unreasonable of me to feel that way. alot of what i do and feel is unreasonable, but it goes with the territory i suppose. i used to smile at pregnant women and their cute bellies because that would be me someday. not so much smiling and thinking that will be me as much as looking away and finding the closest path to getting the hell away from her as quickly as possible without mowing the poor girl over. i no longer care to hear about any one's pregnancy or about their new baby. and, enough with the baby showers already people. f@*k. i'm blaming alot of my apparent intolerance for preggo's because i am CONSTANTLY around pregnant people at work. i can't get away from them. if one more person says it must be something in the water i think i'll punch them. it's clearly not in the water. i have drank the water. alot. still barren.

also, why is it that every time we do another cycle or change to a different treatment someone knows someone else who had a cousin that went to school with someone who's sister's best friend was doing the exact same thing and it WORKED! ahhhhhhh, if i had a dollar for every time i heard that, well, i'd have at least 50. which i guess i should stop complaining about b/c that would be half of my co-pay for some of the infertility meds.

ok, i'll stop the ridiculous poor me session that this has become. i'm sure that there will be a few more of these for future warning.

on an unrelated topic, we have been having the best time since stopping treatments. i had 2 glasses of wine when we went to dinner yesterday and have went out on 2 other occasions and had drinks. i'm eating like shit, drinking all the caffeine i want and not taking my vitamins. i feel like i'm in college again (well, undergrad anyway). anyone up for a pub crawl? jello shots? natty light?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

head under water

you know - "love song" by sara bareilles? i like that song. it's cute and fun to sing at the top of my lungs in my car. i'm a very good singer, just ask me.

anyway, everytime i hear it i am reminded of high school. i was a junior and was working as a waitress. long excruciating story cut short - i waited on a guy whom i'd never met that was ordering dinner, he then waited on me to get off of work outside by my car (creepy, i know, but i was 16 and thought it was sooo romantic.) so we talked for awhile and i learned that he was much older but had a sister that went to my high school. a couple of days later he had his sister come up to me at school and said "matt wants me to tell you that he wants a letter from you saying why you want to date him." (names have been changed to prevent probable throat-slitting, he turned out to be crazy)wtf? all i could do was laugh and tell her to tell him to get a life.

so we dated for 5 months. turns out he was just as douchy as one should have expected someone to be who is in their 20's asking a 16 yr old to write a love letter to them about why they are fabulous. who does that? he then proceeded to stalk me while we were dating. for realsies, complete with threatening phone calls, retarded ass threatening letters that were made by cutting out letters and words from magazines and pasting onto a peice of paper nailed to my tree's or put on my car while i was working or just at the store. the type of letter that only happens on tv - or in my life. the calls and letters would say how he was going to kill me in gross explicit detail and then the gross things he was going to do to my dead body. real nice, huh?

he also started saying that he was getting the letters and phone calls too and then took it a step further and got beat up. not once, not twice, but 4 times. by then my mother had the police involved and they came to get me out of school to take me to the hospital. i had ended things w/ psycho the week before b/c he also had a wicked anger problem. so, he was in the hospital because he had decided to beat the shit out of himself. someone found him along the road. car door open, beat up by a bat. the bat was in his hands - yes he had kicked his own ass and then passed out from hitting himself so hard in the head. and, obviously had kicked his own ass all the other times too. really? why does shit like this happen to me? i have TONS of weirdness like this in my life.

if you're still reading this, i apologise for the long and random story. here's my public service announcement - stay away from some dude now in his 30's that likes the group "colour me badd" and asks you to write him a letter explaining why you think he is hot and better than sliced bread. he'll cut you, or atleast mangle some magazine's to instill horror into your life for a couple of months.

on a side note - today is my husband's b-day!

and, sorry blog, i have been busy w/ school and work for the past 2 days and could not post. kindly remove those 3 lbs that i had lost that are now back. i'll be more diligent at posting.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

blogging: my new weight loss program

since starting my blog last night i have lost 3 lbs. coincidence? maybe, but i'm not taking any chances. blogging in wicked crazy amts now.

i suppose the weight loss could be in part b/c i quit taking my stupid fertility hormones which are manufactured by non other than the devil himself. i am by no means a hoss, but i gained around 10lbs. when you start out around 110-114, that is quit an ordeal for my jeans to take on. and, while i will miss my boobs actually filling my bra, i certainly will not miss the muffin-tops that came with them and the impending camel toe that was just around the corner.

since i'm back on my way to "hottie-ville" maybe i'll commemorate the day by washing my car in my driveway with a skimpy bikini and heels.

i gave fair warning

yes, my blog page is in an order that does not make sense.
no, i cannot figure out how to fix it.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

it's just how i roll

originally this blog was going to be on infertiliy, but just this month we decided to take a break from treatments. so, it'll be a little about infertility right now and more about things i hate that make me bat-shit-crazy.

a few of the above mentioned things:
1. black olives
2. joey from real world hollywood
3. capitaling shit when using any form of computer
4. rachel ray
5. hallmark movies
6. imitation's like "wal-dryl." wtf?
7. purple socks
8. the word "moist"

about infertility - we've been actively ttc for what is now our 24th cycle. i just rec'd my "book" of papers to fill out since we are switching RE's for IVF. that's what my night will be filled with.

*disclaimer. i am technology of any kind retarded. this is in fact my first attempt at blogging. forgive me if my shit is all jacked up while figuring out how this works:)