Friday, July 25, 2008

alternate career choices

being infertile and a pediatric RN persuing a masters degree as a pediatric NP sucks. it sucks way more than anything i can think of. so, i've been thinking about a career change. get out while i still can, before i sink more time, money, blood, sweat and tears into this. here's what i have come up with.

1. MTV VJ. sounds like fun, right? i could sit around the pool all day and get drunk and watch people make asses of themselves while listening to music and work on my tan. well, as tan as one can get while wearing a moo-moo to hide their fat ass.
2. bus driver. as in greyhound, obviously not school bus. actually, there, that would be worse than what i do now - school bus driver. note to self: cancel plans to hurl self from heli-pad at work tonight.
3. horse wrangler. i'm not even sure what this is. but, i like horses. it could work.
4. hermit. away from all annoying pregnant people, cute babies and toddlers. sounds fantastic. although, i'd have to skip the living in caves part. bugs make me want to rip my throat out. perhaps agoraphobic would be more up my alley than hermit.
5. pole dancer/stripper. it's good exercise and it would eliminate those annoying trips to the ATM machine. also a pretty sure bet that babies and children would not be around. would also give me a reason to finally get some nice squishy new bewbies.
6. ninja. i think i would be good at this. i have alot of pent up anger and frustration that i would be happy to take out on anyone. i am also extremely stealthy. i like the color black. i like shiny things like those throwing stars. sold.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


with the kick off of ICLW yesterday i have been visiting a shit-ton of blogs. (more than a scoatch, but less than a ga-jillion).

anyhoodle, what the fuck is up with all the crazy word verifications that i have to put in when i want to leave a comment like a good blogger?

what in the name of all that is holy is hgkeiytoet? or mnxjilj? why the crazy colors and motherfucking fonts that make me question my soberness? did that thing just spell out go fuck yourself? does anyone else have this problem? no, just me. am i really the only one who has trouble figuring out what the hell i am supposed to type and then have to retype it 5 times? yes. i am the only asshole. ok, fine.

i'd like to make a suggestion to whoever makes up those ridiculous letter combos. pick some words i am more familiar with and have no trouble spelling like infertile, pastry, fellatio. hell, even pastry fellatio would be better. throw me a bone and stop wasting my time with all the re-types. in-fucking-furiating.

and, has anyone actually tried the handicapped symbol that is beside the word? i can't muster the courage. thinking about it makes me all itchy. for some reason i picture lights, sirens and a short fat bald man with a bull horn yelling the letters at me.

Monday, July 21, 2008

slim shady

or chubbs mcbitchy

according to my july horoscope in bazaar magazine i am supposed to refrain from being a raging biatch and "be aware that my high standards are preventing me from giving less than perfect people a chance. stay grounded when engaging with others and magic will be in the air."

i read this thursday night. friday night it was my turn to float at work because the picu was not busy. i floated to nicu which is boring, boring, boring. i hate nicu. it's not real exciting, a real snoozefest if you will. mostly a bunch of babies that were born too early and need to grow.

while getting report on my 2 patients, who as stated above, only need to grow, i look over at one of them who had been screaming the entire time i was getting report. the nurse says to me "oh, you'll probably have to hold her all night or she'll scream like that." before i could even control my horror at the thought of holding a baby all night long i responded, "gah! no thanks, i don't hold patients." i know that sounds horrible, but i really don't like to touch people, especially patients. i am the epitome of a germaphobe. look it up in the dictionary and there's my picture. i always wear long sleeves or a jacket as well as gloves at work so i don't come in direct contact with someone. and, for obvious reasons, i don't like to hold babies. this isn't usually a problem in the picu. most of them are intubated and i couldn't hold them even if i wanted to, which i don't. i know, i'm in the wrong profession. anyway, the nurse looked at me like i was a horrible person, which i didn't blame her for. then i replied, "well, they shouldn't have sent the infertile girl to a floor with 42 m-fing babies on it, eh?!" she then changed her look of disgust to a look of pity and gave a small uncomfortable laugh. yep, played the infertile card to avoid darts being thrown at a picture of me in the break room with the words "baby-hater" underneath it. and it worked.

there were 4 babies in the room i was in, which meant i got to be extremely close and not so cuddly with them and the other RN in there. the doors were all shut, and while there's a ton of windows, it was like a cell of doom in there. i hate enclosed places, especially when it is with 4 crying babies and 1 extremely annoying nurse. i tried to follow what my horoscope said and was able to be friendly for about 30 minutes and that is all i could manage of my 12.5hr shift. she was telling me her life story, how old she was, about her baby daddy, singing songs, laughing at herself, making shooting noises at the computer like she was playing battleship, snorting, chewing her gum like an effing cow, eating her candy loudly, telling more ridiculous stories that i didn't ask to hear and constantly leaving for 40 min breaks and leaving me to watch her fricken babies too. here's a slice of my night:

crazy RN: celebrate good times, c'mon! i just don't know why that song is in my head.
Me: me either
crazy RN: it's sooooo good! i love it!
Me: yea, it's super duper
crazy RN: i'm gonna sing it ALL night long! yea! wahoo!
Me: please don't

then -
crazy RN: blah, blah, blah, so then i was going to take my daughter to the zoo...
Me: uh huh (not looking up from my completely blank computer screen)
crazy RN: but then blah, blah, blah...
Me: wow (still staring at blank screen)
crazy RN: and then, blah, blah...
Me: wow
crazy RN: ahaha, you're so funny! you say wow alot! i like to talk to you!
Me: yea, about that, can you go back to singing? i think my ears are bleeding.

thanks crappy horoscope. i stayed grounded and the only magic that was in the air was the sweet sound of monitoring alarms that would occasionally go off and drown her out for a minute. i picked the loudest alarm that went off the most and sat by it all night. and thanks nicu for making it absolutely impossible to follow my horoscope by putting me in the room w/ someone your own staff doesn't even like.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

the road to Heaven is paved with good intentions..

...and you sir, or shall i call you something you are familiar with: hillbilly redneck piece of shit dirt bag, will need to do some extra credit.

so, on the 4th of july my husband and i went to the drive in, which strangely enough was f-ing packed. we had sat through the first movie which was good (hancock) and were 3/4 of the way through the 2nd (get smart) when we decided to leave b/c we were over it when we realized that our suv had died. now, let me just preface this by saying that we weren't driving a 1980 hugo, it's a saab, like barely a year old, and they advertise that those fuckers are built like a jet or something or other as far as the engine. anyhoodle, it was unstartable so we had to wait for the movie to end before we asked anyone to give us a jump. the person directly to my husband's side had the same idea as us and bailed before it was over. so, my husband went to look for someone that worked at the drive in and couldn't find anyone so he asked the guy in a red dodge ram beside me. the conversation went like this;

my husband: hi, can i ask you for a favor? our car died and we need a jump. i have cables.
redneck cocksucking asshole: no. i'm not going to give you a jump.
my husband: i'm sorry, what?
redneck cocksucking asshole: no, i'm not going to give you a jump. go find someone that works here. i'm not going to jump you.
my husband: ok, thanks.

i thought the guy was totally kidding. i mean who says no to that? certain things are totally acceptable to refuse to a stranger. examples: can i try a bite of your pasta, can i have $500, blow me, etc. other things such as can i get a jump, call 911, can you get that door for me, etc. are never to be refused.
but, i digress. so, in my anger i went over to the person 2 cars down and asked them for a jump which was not a problem for them. as the guy in the silver ford f-150 was pulling up to our suv i looked over at the redneck cocksucking asshole in the red dodge ram and gave him the stink eye for about 2 min. then in a loud voice, b/c i instantly turn into a 5yr old when shit like this happens, i said to the wife of the guy that was helping us, "thanks so much for helping us. that a-hole right there in the red truck wouldn't help us. can you believe that? who does that? well, i'm an icu nurse and i hope he doesn't need any help anytime soon. asshole. he just helped me write my next blog." and, yes, unfortunately i really did ramble on like that within earshot of the a-hole.
while i'm sure the reason he didn't help us was because he had to hurry home and put some water in his wife's dish, he ended up leaving the same time we did. so, i got a good look at his license plate which i have committed to memory. i memorize plates of all asshole in case i ever come across them again. i've been told i am vengeful and just a wee bit psychotic. there's a guy in one of my classes that i am quite sure is a vampire, or at the very least the walking dead. he has a weird dead tone to his skin and has veins on his face and head that only someone who has been dead for 10,000 yrs can acquire. so, maybe i'll buddy up w/ him and give him the plate number to do my dirty work.

so ~
saab: you do in fact not built your vehicles like a jet. if you still contend that this is the case, i do not wish to fly on any jets that you took part in installing/assembling/or general fucking around with. please forward a list of all flying crafts that you have been in contact with to me.
vampire guy: wanna be friends? i can offer you protection. i know the right people. and, i have access to the blood bank. just a thought.
redneck cocksucking asshole: sleep with 1 eye open. also, you might want to invest in some garlic, a cross, and a silver bullet to cover all your bases. and a book on how to be a descent person, you dickhead.