Friday, May 30, 2008

be on the lookout

yesterday i went to the grocery store after class at approx 8:30pm. i made the mistake of sitting in my car to finish listening to a song on the radio. apparently that made me fair game and put a target on my back because i saw an old woman looking at me from across the parking lot and walk towards me but didn't really think anything of it. until i was half bent over looking at something on the floor of the passengers side and i hear a knocking on the glass that scarred the crap out of me. it was said old woman and she shoved something in my face when i opened the door. now, you should know that when confronted unexpectedly by strangers i instantly turn into a retard and can't articulate well and also can only read about every 4th word of what is being presented b/c i am all nervous that i am going to get shanked or someone is going to kidnap me by putting a smelly rag over my face.

anyhoodle, the thingy she gave me was some sort of a small magnifying glass, i think, on a piece of paper that said something to the effect of "i am deaf. give me your $." well, i immediately start talking to her and then realize she can't hear me which only makes me fumble around like more of a nervous asshole. i was trying to tell her i didn't have any money on me b/c my husband found us a credit card that we get points for the more we spend so that is usually all that i carry. so i just reached into my pocket and pulled out my credit card and said "i'm sorry, this is all i have." that old woman then looked at me and rolled her eyes, snatched her glass/paper thing out of my hand, sighed and stomped away. yeeesh, sorry gram!

so, i got to thinking: if she can do that b/c she is deaf, why can't i do it to raise $ for IVF? so, if any of you see me passing out pictures of a good little cooperative uterus or some perky ovaries, than you better cough up something. preferably large unmarked bills. and if you don't i will give you the stink eye, which may or may not cause you to catch my infertility. you probably shouldn't chance it though.

also, i wish more people were like myself. by that i mean carry credit or debit cards. nothing is more infuriating than being in a store and having to wait on someone to count out all of their g*damn coins to get the EXACT amount that their bill is or having to wait on someone to write out their ENTIRE check only AFTER they learn what their total is. wtf, assholes? it's great that you have all damn day to write out checks, but i certainly don't have all damn day to wait for you to do so. why can't they at least write who the check is to, their name and the date? it's not like any of those things are dependant on the amt they are spending. maddening.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


at one time i was a huge NKOTB fan. i had all the paraphernalia and even co-wrote a play involving the fab 5 and especially loved jordan. i gave them up long ago, along with my leg warmers and training bra's. so, imagine my surprise and horror when i heard the commercial on the radio announcing their long awaited (by who exactly) return and as they were naming all 5 of their names, i still knew them. ALL of them. first and last names. ack! i'm going to go listen to some GWAR until my ears bleed to get their names and redonkulous girly voices out of my head.

i had some severely deranged dreams last night involving weird people from my past and i am blaming it on the closed head injury that i received from my dear sweet husband. HE fell asleep rubbing MY head and then started twitching like a crack addict. in the midst of his twitching he whapped me in the head with his whole arm. so, it was pretty relaxing for me as you can imagine. thanks love.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

no, you were not slipped some acid, or a roofy -

don't worry, i'm not keeping this atrocity that has become my template. it's late and i was trying to change it up a little. consider this one out of the running as i have an overwhelming urge to either fill a pool with dippin' dots and then roll around in them or go buy a disco ball every time i look at my blog. barf. enjoy til i change at my next posting. take some dramamine if you'll be here long.

on a side note ~

PSA - stop wearing fake eyelashes everyday.
that means you, girl in my statistics class. unless you are wearing pasties under your shirt or are a stand in prom queen, every tuesday and thursday, quit. really - between that and the heavy black eyeliner you look as though 2 porcupines are dueling it out on your face. it's all i can do to fight the urge to hurl my shoe at your head. at least taking off the faux eyelashes will eliminate one of the reasons i'd like to throw things at you. thank you.

Monday, May 26, 2008

top 2 things i'd prefer to avoid, like the plague -

1. baby showers (obviously)
2. children's b-day parties
~these will be # 14 and 15, of my ongoing list~

the latter didn't bother me so much until the beginning of the year. it's bad enough that i am around kids all damn day at work and school, but then to have to spend my free time with them too? not generally something i look forward to unless there is alcohol involved. and this party had none. wtf? no alcohol at a child's b-day party? lame!

yesterday we went to the b-day party of a cousin's little girl. she's 5 and had a ton of other kids there, including some under 1yr old. i probably would have been ok, having learned my lesson at the last baby's b-day party i was at which was:

*don't stand too close to the adorable baby smashing it's b-day cake all around or it will cause you to erupt into ridiculous amounts of tears that once started are hard to stop b/c it is another reminder that maybe one day you'll have a baby of your own to watch smash it's cake, but maybe you won't.*

so, i stood far enough back and half heartedly sang and the day would have been semi-tolerable had i not welled up w/ tears on approximately 6 other occasions. the first incident was when i saw the look on my husband's face when talking to a baby. such a genuinely sweet look comes across his face. i've seen that look many times, but only when there is a baby or small child in sight. nothing i can do brings that look and i'm afraid it will always be this way. so, once i start the water works, it's easier for them to keep coming. luckily though i didn't have to run and hide to pull myself together. i resorted to texting my very adorable and very snarky friend, jk, and all was good again.

one plus of the day was that since i didn't know many people at the party i only had to endure one question of 'how's the IF treatment going, or when are you having kids' it was more of a "how is everything going?" question with a sad face and head turned to the side with a nod. which, i completely ignored what they were really asking and yammered on about work, school, how quickly grass seems to grow, etc.

and, yes, i am aware this is completely ridiculous, but it is what it is.

Friday, May 23, 2008

get over it

i'd like to know why pregnant women think it is a fun game to make everyone guess what they are having and then act all coy and still not tell after they find out until they suck every ounce of life out of everyone around them by continuing to make them guess. well, guess what? it's really not that exciting, i mean there are only 2 choices. it's not like there are a whole host of fun things that you could be having. enough already.

Monday, May 19, 2008

confirmation that God does indeed hate me.....

1. i had to take care of a 14 month old patient thurs and fri who, coincidentally, had a very pregnant mother. i got to watch her 9 month pregnant ass parade around the hospital room walking like an asshole and then exaggerate the process of getting up out of the chair. every. single. time. bah.

2. we rented a movie on saturday that had no indication that there was going to be talk of having children. but there was. it sent me over the edge and i was crying like an asshole. in my defense, i had just had a crying fit b/c my husband was watching the horse races and i got all upset thinking about the poor horses and how terrible the whole sport is. i love animals - much more than people actually. i wish they had a nurse practitioner degree for cats, dogs, horses and giraffes. i would totally switch.

3. we also rented juno. obviously i knew that it involved a pregnant chick. then she made comment to jennifer garner about how she was lucky she wasn't pregnant or something. i immediately cringed. you know, cringed like when someone asks "what did you do last night" and someone else answer's "your mom." only the person's mom is dead, so it's really uncomfortable and not at all funny.

4. while watching the movie i happened to look out the window and sitting on our deck was a big fat pregnant dove. really, bird? really?! you are even in on this conspiracy to make my life shitty? i hate birds and i hope you are all itchy from lice. and ha - no epidural for you, you bragging bitch.

5. my hairstylist, who is a dude, apparently had a sperm count of zero at one time. how do i know this? b/c the very first time i went to him he asked if i had kids and said that we were trying and pretty much ended up telling him my whole story the first day and i also heard his. zero sperm count. any who, he knows that our only issue so far seems to be with me and my endometriosis. wednesday when i went he says to me, "you're not gonna believe it - i have a sperm count." he then says that his wife also had a LAP and found she has endo too. then, like a true asshole, he says "i'm so relieved it's not me. that was a horrible feeling." i really had to fight to not rip the foil out of my hair and asphyxiate him with it, but in the end i thought of what was important - my hair. if he didn't want a tip, he should have just said so, he didn't have to be a dick about it.

6. i saw my regular dr on monday for a migraine that i had for 6 days straight and she was asking general questions on my health and if anything had changed since i last saw her a yr ago. i informed her i had a LAP for endo in sept. she then says, "well, you must be REALLY fertile now, huh?!" i said, "do i look 8 months pregnant to you?" apparently she is aware that she is not working for tips.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

entended LOA from IF

well, i had thought we were taking a small break from ttc until like this summer, summer of '08, when i was on a break from classes starting at the end of july and after we switched RE's. did i mention summer of '08? anyway, saturday my husband drops the ball that he would like to wait until i am done with school to pursue IVF. huh?! was all i could say and then cry like an asshole. partly b/c i was devastated, mostly b/c i had drank half a bottle of pinot noir and half a bottle of champagne. for a couple of minutes i was scared and sad. and pissed. he said that he hadn't really given the whole infertility treatments thing much thought until now, which also made me not so happy. every month i had sat down with him and explained where we were at, what our options were and what i wanted to do based on preference and speaking w/ the RE. he would usually agree with what i said and be done with it. so, it didn't surprise me when he admitted that he didn't really think too much about stuff, it just surprised me that he actually said it and how crappy it sounded out loud.

anyway, before anyone decides to park in our development and run him down the first chance they get, i should say that he redeemed himself by saying how much he wanted to be a part of the pregnancy and enjoy it with me. he wanted us to have our best chance at making it work, meaning wait til i'm done with school and do everything right. he said "how will i get to rub your belly and read to it if you are gone every night working or in class?" that was the cutest, sweetest thing ever and it meant alot, b/c like i said, it wasn't a secret that he hadn't been very opinionated about treatment. it was nice to hear that he wanted to be a part of everything. and, in his defense, he is really very sweet - brings me flowers for no reason, does little cute things to make my day better and, after all, got me 10 pairs of shoes for my b-day.

so, while i would like to not wait, it does make the most sense. i can finish my final and most hectic year in school with little or no bloating/vomiting, have a real good time for my next b-day - which is a big one, go to a conference in san diego in march that i really wanted to attend and come home and drink any time i want to from a crappy day. it is the best plan, i just have never been good at being patient. for that reason i think i have him talked into maybe starting IVF again around mar-apr '09:) we are still planning on keeping the appt with the new RE on 6/5 to get our foot in the door and see what he has to say about our situation. i'm fairly certain i will have to have another lap by then, but oh well i guess. at least i am guaranteed some percocet after the surgery.

on the upside, until we start trying again i get to hear the things every ttc'er just loves. by loves, i mean it makes me want to grab the nearest sharp object i see and jam it repeatedly into my ear drums until i am deaf, deaf, deaf. ex:

1. "oh, you should have just said you were going to adopt. like 6 people in my dept. said they we done trying and started filling out the paperwork and then they ended up pregnant."
-really asshole? who and where are these people? because i know a lot of people and i don't seem to know any of the said breed that instantly becomes pregnant upon filling out adoption paperwork. you are a real fucker.

2. "you'll prob get pregnant as soon as you are done with school and not so stressed out."
-stop talking right now. really, just stop. if you don't i will punch you in the neck. clearly you have not been paying attn to anything, or you have some serious problems with short term memory loss and/or are illiterate. we had been trying long before school and stress was in the picture. dick.

3. "i bet you are pregnant right now, or will be soon because you stopped trying."
-how lucky/confident are you feeling with your bet there, ace? because i will see you your shitty bet and raise you a Maserati. that is just how unlucky/confident i am feeling. suck it.

Saturday, May 10, 2008


so, i was tagged by someone to do this. here goes:

4 Things I Did 10 Years Ago (1998)

1. partied like a rock star. finished my first year of college after managing to not go to class ever, because no one actually makes you, or go only to take a nap. finished the year w/ straight c-'s and d+'s. wicked excited that i didn't fail anything. found out following year that indeed i did fail everything as the college of nursing does not accept anything less than a c. retake ALL classes except university orientation.

2. move into 1st appt with roommate from the dorms, college boyfriend and some squirley random guy b/c our 4th roomie dropped out of school to follow bands around. back then it was cool to live with strangers. i swear.

3. worked at a psychiatric institution where i got my ass beat on a nearly daily basis by those crazy fuckers. i had the brilliant idea of working 16hrs a day for 7 days straight in the summer - then i could have off for a whole week. this was in fact not awesome, at all. who's the asshole that approved that? with my warped sense of humor and in my delirium one morning my friend melanie and i dressed all the patients in clothes that clashed badly for breakfast. i am a terrible person.

4. buried my friend shallay.

4 Things I Did 5 Years Ago (2003)

1. graduated college in may with my RN, BSN after 6 long years of trying out every major that the university offered. and, as mentioned above, retaking my entire 1st year. whatev.

2. future husband and i bought a house and move in in june, but have to keep in on the DL or else minister won't marry us. sorry God.

3. took RN boards in july and actually passed the first time. got first real job. around alot of narcotics. am in heaven.

4. married my love in august after dating 4 yrs. got back from honeymoon and got our first dog, kayla.

4 Things I Did Yesterday

1. harassed my theory instructor to give me those 10 damn points that i deserve for an assignment that i clearly did as evidenced by my electronic record that she and i both have b/c even though it is theory, i want my f-ing A. not a shitty A-, an A, like all my other grades this semester. so give it up already.

2. worked and really did not enjoy myself. at all.

3. ate a barfy sandwich that my husband brought home trying to be sweet. advice - stay away from a sandwich that has turkey, bacon and guacamole on it. super barf. the best part was that i had enough for 2 meals. great. ate eraser and styrofoam cup at work instead of rest of sandwich. sorry starving kids in Ethiopia.

4. went to breakfast w/ work friends after work. extremely sad that wally waffle does not serve alcohol with waffles. wtf? how can you be so close to 4 major hospitals and not serve alcohol at all hours?

4 Shows I Love to Watch

1. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. holy shit i love this show. i laugh immediately when i hear the theme song or see previews for it. fav episode - "million dollar baby" where dee wants to learn how to be a boxer to protect herself and starts having roid rages from her steroids that charlie is also stealing. f-ing brilliant.

2. Lost. i look forward to weekly viewings of this show. love sayid and jack. i often wish i was on that oceanic flight 815 as the island seems to cure everything from infertility to paralysis and even death. it would probably be in vain though as i would surely die from the smoke monster, polar bear, or random people that like to shoot the survivors. back to plan B for infertility.

3. Talk Soup/Best Week Ever. any show that makes fun of people is ok in my book. i watch religiously. slightly upset though as i recently noticed that joel mchale is going bald. yuck. not a fan of the baldies, unless they shave it, then sometimes it's ok. but, joel has been deceiving me for years. he has such a beautiful coifed mane from the front view, then he turns around and it's all very bad news. sigh.

4. Survivor. i can't help it. i love this show. i want it to stay on until i die, with only jeff probst hosting. i love him and his dimples and tacky "outback/survivor" attire that he wears. i am disappointed thought that the contestants don't lose nearly as much weight as in the first couple of seasons. remember the good old days when everyone was down to 70lbs and their hair was falling out? i was so jealous, not so much of the missing hair, more of the weight loss. it makes me warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. buck up survivor.

4 Things I Love

1. making a "love nest" on our living room floor with all the pillows and blankets we own. we lay there and eat, drink and watch tv w/ our dogs. it's fabulous.

2. spend time with my grandma. she is amazing.

3. cook/eat food. love food. i'm a pretty good cook and love to do it, but i also love to go out to eat.

4. go on vacation, eat like a glutton and drink like i need pink slipped to the betty ford clinic. grad school is seriously cramping my vacation style b/c i am so freaking busy.

Monday, May 5, 2008

out with the old, in with the new

first, i apologise for my absence. i've been having as ass-kicking good time with the final 2 weeks of the semester and all.

anyway, we finally went through the IVF papers. it went down like this -
"hey kitten, (that's my nickname for my husband. and?) i filled out most of the paperwork if you want to just look over it." him - "ok" and literally takes 3 minutes to read over the enire packet talking about everything that IVF involves, meds, risks, success rates, what to do w/ the extra embryo's, etc. so, i call to his attn that he totally ignored the page where we have to pick what happens to the embryo's if we get a divorce. he says, "i want them" (clearly still not paying much attn). i said "what in the hell would you do w/ my embryo's?" he says, "i'd have a surrogate carry them, so i can have part of you." i said, "but we're divorced, what will your new wife think?" he says, "what! we're divorced?! i thought you just died. keep your dirty bitch eggs then!" so, we decided: we get divorced - i keep my dirty bitch eggs; i die - he keeps them; we both die - we donate to another couple.

then today i took my medical records release form to my old RE to get all my records so i can take to my new RE b/c for some reason i can't schedule an appt w/ the new RE until they have ALL my records. i can't even schedule for a month from now. grrr. i'm also filling out a complimentary 5 day stool diary complete with pictorials for fun. anyway, it was like 12:50pm which apparently means that i need to stand like an asshole at the counter for no less than 15 minutes before someone helps me, even though there are people behind the counter walking back and forth. then, the secretary, who can only be described as the modern day 'mimi' from drew carey comes out to assist me. i ask how long she thinks it will be before i can pick up my records and she looks up at me and says, "well, you know so and so is at lunch. i'll have to have her call you." then she gives me a look of a traitor b/c she reads that the release is for the cleveland clinic and says, "well, you might get charged $35 for your records." oh, shit - $35! OMG! it's totally not worth saving thousands of dollars on IVF for! i said that's fine and she again reminded me that people were at lunch. ok, beotch, i get it - people are eating. who cares, just get my shit. it's also cinco fucking de mayo. i'm late for getting fucked up and making out w/ a one-eared, crazy-eyed donkey pinata while wearing a sombrero.