Wednesday, April 30, 2008

that list -

11. vampires
12. oprah
13. double dippers

Monday, April 28, 2008

fun things i got to do in clinical last night

for those of you who don't know, i am currently doing clinicals in a pediatric ER.

1. i got to put a 2yr old's elbow back into place after the dad accidentally pulled her arm causing a radial subluxation (dislocated it). while it was very exciting, i'd say it was slightly less exciting than putting a shoulder back into place. if you go by ER that is on thurs nights, anyway.

2. since i get to write orders i took advantage of it. this was by far the one that really showed my knowledge and how far i have come as a PNP student.
'4.27.08 2230 ~ D/C camel toe STAT' which was written concerning a physician i was working with last night. the NP and RN i was working with found my assessment skills impeccable.

3. spent 45 min trying to convince an 13 y.o girl (that was crying and carrying on like she just found out miley cyrus cancelled her stupid show) to just take her g-damn medicine so she can get the hell out of my room b/c the ER is backed the fuck up. oh, and it will help w/ her wicked contact dermatitis/who-knows-what-kind-of-rash she got from swimming in a sewer.

and, yes, in just 2 short semesters i may be taking care of your children.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

apparently i've been dumped

today is some 27ish odd days since my last IUI. i did not call my RE with the arrival of af. i have been planning to break-up on the sly with him and switch to a new RE in preparation of IVF (insurance reasons), but it appears that he showed me. the office hasn't even called to see where i am or if i am dead. and, yes, i am that important that they should be inquiring about my whereabouts. especially since i called his house at midnight-thirty with this last cycle because i was sure that i was dying, or at the very least both of my ovaries were going to explode and i would have covered my poor patient in disgusting hail of ovary juice. oh well, thanks for nothing. i'd like to say it's been a great 8 months, but it really hasn't. i certainly won't miss your scorching lube that regularly burns off the first few layers of my epidermis.

now i really need to get this damn paperwork done for the new dr. will someone please finish my last 2 papers for the semester? i'll give you my firstborn child. (but you should know that i am not good at getting knocked up and you may end up w/ the short end of the deal.)

just kidding, i will be keeping any offspring should we ever have any. unless they are ugly, then maybe we can talk.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

the growing epidemic

i would like to address the growing epidemic of people and their wearing of rubber shoes, and more specifically, crocs. wtf people, wtf? i would like to personally ban any form of this shoe as it really serves no purpose other than to promote absolute laziness in picking the appropriate foot apparel. no one in their right mind should be wearing this shoe anywhere; not in the hospital when dealing with icky bodily fluids, not outside, not to the mall, not to dinner, etc. are flip-flops or sandals really too constricting for your comfort? do you just have an unquenchable desire to rock some shoes in a color that not even cindy lauper would wear? is the casualness that matthew mcconaughey exudes that appealing to you? are you just a straight up lazy dick head? and what is with the gems that you can add to the holes in the shoes? are you kidding me?

and, who in their right mind studies while on the crapper at school? i walked in to go #1 and in the stall right beside me was some weirdo with her notebook on the floor. huh? i like to make it a habit to save any kind of bathroom business that takes more than 1.5 min for my house, but on the rare occasion when it cannot be helped, i certainly don't bust out my notebook and bring a sandwich.

*sorry erin. i still like you even though you wear rubber shoes. but, that is strike 1.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

things not good about today....

1. i could not sleep b/c the second i did go to sleep and started dreaming, i dreamt that snakes with legs were chasing me (i suppose that makes them alligators if you want to get all technical on my ass) and my inability to scream.

2. i found out that a preceptor of mine for clinicals is pregnant (with her 3rd). great, should be just a super fun time for me in clinical the next 4 months listening to her pregnancy stories. too bad, i really did like her too. another one bites the dust.

3. the people in the PNP program, only 6 of us, had to go to NEOUCOM today for pelvic exams and dude exams. this was beyond barfy for the following reasons:

a. the dude was old, shorter than me and balding. he was also uncircumcised. also had no problem with showing off his less than impressive skin flute and it's 2 angry friends. i got the distinct feeling from his numerous retarded questions that he wanted to make us examine more of him. what dude-checking for testicular CA and having me tell you to turn your had and cough while i jam my fingers up into God knows where isn't enough for you? for the love of everything that is holy man!

b. for the female pelvic exams we had 2 older women. older like in their late 50's at least. one of them told us how to do the exam and the other one was the one we were doing the exam on. first of all, yuck. i hate everything about vagina's. everything. i can barely stand my own, or even the word 'vagina' for that matter. anyway, this older lady just layed on the table w/ all her glory hanging out for all 6 of us to see at once. again, yuck. i have a new found respect for the vag dr's out there. what made it particularly horrific was that the "model" and i do use that term loosely, was not shaved - anywhere. now, had i signed up for a 3hr viewing of my "hey na-na-na" i would have made damn sure to have the hedges clipped. not her - full on fur bikini that extended to her ankles. wtf? shaving her legs in the last 4 months was apparently too much to ask. then, her and her co-hort were WAY to into the gyney exams. there was absolutely no reason that it took the 6 of us nearly 3hrs to do 1 exam each on her. no reason at all. oh, and she had a cute little toilet paper dingle berry to her R vag/butt cheek area. just darling. had she taken the what i feel is necessary grooming precautions, this could have been prevented. we also had to check her anal canal - with 1 finger inserted into it as well as her vag at the same time to feel for abnormalities. barf. barf. barf. tonight i will be wishing for dreams of a snake with legs to be chasing me compared to the nightmare's i am sure to have now.

4. my clothes still fit like shit. am still fat. will eat away sorrows.

5. what i had to eat today: breakfast - can of mountain dew and med fries from mcdonald's. lunch - med coke, small fries and 2 apple pies and a choc chip cookie from mcdonald's. dinner: 2 chicken soft taco's and a can of mountain dew. what?

6. nearly died from carbon monoxide poisoning while in drive-through at t-bell. dude's car in front of me emitting wicked fumes. smelly car ended up dying at the pay window, right in front of me. had to watch retard get out of car and push it the rest of the way through the drive-through then jump in real fast before it rolled into oncoming traffic. delayed eating of taco's for 5 minutes. did not appreciate this.

7. and last but not least, my grandfather, whom i love dearly and miss like crazy passed away 1 year ago today.

things that convinced me not the rip my throat out today:

1. my deoderant appeared to hold up to the days events.

2. after class was done around 10:20 pm i went w/ some friends and had a nice delicious tall glass of blue moon. mmmmm.

3. i have 2 re-runs of The Office on my DVR to watch tonight!

4. the "P" in pnp stands for 'pediatric' nurse practitioner. not 'proctology' nurse practioner. otherwise, there would have been alot more disgusting digital/rectal penetration today. something i'm afraid i am just not up for friends.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

why am i smiling like a big a-hole?

- because steven coletti (sp?) from laguna beach is going to be on the hills next week! oh my freakin' gosh! can't wait!

you know that list of mine? i'd like to add to it -
9. baked beans
10. dr. phil

Sunday, April 20, 2008

kickin' me right in the broken babymaker

today i found out that a friend of mine was going to start trying for a baby. and, not from her. i'm sure she didn't tell me because she knows that i have been trying for a long time, but really? instead of feeling like i was going to throw up and wanting to run out of the room, which is what would have happened had she told me herself; i felt like i was kicked in the stomach - by a horse - repeatedly.

i realize that is completely unreasonable of me to feel that way. alot of what i do and feel is unreasonable, but it goes with the territory i suppose. i used to smile at pregnant women and their cute bellies because that would be me someday. not so much smiling and thinking that will be me as much as looking away and finding the closest path to getting the hell away from her as quickly as possible without mowing the poor girl over. i no longer care to hear about any one's pregnancy or about their new baby. and, enough with the baby showers already people. f@*k. i'm blaming alot of my apparent intolerance for preggo's because i am CONSTANTLY around pregnant people at work. i can't get away from them. if one more person says it must be something in the water i think i'll punch them. it's clearly not in the water. i have drank the water. alot. still barren.

also, why is it that every time we do another cycle or change to a different treatment someone knows someone else who had a cousin that went to school with someone who's sister's best friend was doing the exact same thing and it WORKED! ahhhhhhh, if i had a dollar for every time i heard that, well, i'd have at least 50. which i guess i should stop complaining about b/c that would be half of my co-pay for some of the infertility meds.

ok, i'll stop the ridiculous poor me session that this has become. i'm sure that there will be a few more of these for future warning.

on an unrelated topic, we have been having the best time since stopping treatments. i had 2 glasses of wine when we went to dinner yesterday and have went out on 2 other occasions and had drinks. i'm eating like shit, drinking all the caffeine i want and not taking my vitamins. i feel like i'm in college again (well, undergrad anyway). anyone up for a pub crawl? jello shots? natty light?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

head under water

you know - "love song" by sara bareilles? i like that song. it's cute and fun to sing at the top of my lungs in my car. i'm a very good singer, just ask me.

anyway, everytime i hear it i am reminded of high school. i was a junior and was working as a waitress. long excruciating story cut short - i waited on a guy whom i'd never met that was ordering dinner, he then waited on me to get off of work outside by my car (creepy, i know, but i was 16 and thought it was sooo romantic.) so we talked for awhile and i learned that he was much older but had a sister that went to my high school. a couple of days later he had his sister come up to me at school and said "matt wants me to tell you that he wants a letter from you saying why you want to date him." (names have been changed to prevent probable throat-slitting, he turned out to be crazy)wtf? all i could do was laugh and tell her to tell him to get a life.

so we dated for 5 months. turns out he was just as douchy as one should have expected someone to be who is in their 20's asking a 16 yr old to write a love letter to them about why they are fabulous. who does that? he then proceeded to stalk me while we were dating. for realsies, complete with threatening phone calls, retarded ass threatening letters that were made by cutting out letters and words from magazines and pasting onto a peice of paper nailed to my tree's or put on my car while i was working or just at the store. the type of letter that only happens on tv - or in my life. the calls and letters would say how he was going to kill me in gross explicit detail and then the gross things he was going to do to my dead body. real nice, huh?

he also started saying that he was getting the letters and phone calls too and then took it a step further and got beat up. not once, not twice, but 4 times. by then my mother had the police involved and they came to get me out of school to take me to the hospital. i had ended things w/ psycho the week before b/c he also had a wicked anger problem. so, he was in the hospital because he had decided to beat the shit out of himself. someone found him along the road. car door open, beat up by a bat. the bat was in his hands - yes he had kicked his own ass and then passed out from hitting himself so hard in the head. and, obviously had kicked his own ass all the other times too. really? why does shit like this happen to me? i have TONS of weirdness like this in my life.

if you're still reading this, i apologise for the long and random story. here's my public service announcement - stay away from some dude now in his 30's that likes the group "colour me badd" and asks you to write him a letter explaining why you think he is hot and better than sliced bread. he'll cut you, or atleast mangle some magazine's to instill horror into your life for a couple of months.

on a side note - today is my husband's b-day!

and, sorry blog, i have been busy w/ school and work for the past 2 days and could not post. kindly remove those 3 lbs that i had lost that are now back. i'll be more diligent at posting.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

blogging: my new weight loss program

since starting my blog last night i have lost 3 lbs. coincidence? maybe, but i'm not taking any chances. blogging in wicked crazy amts now.

i suppose the weight loss could be in part b/c i quit taking my stupid fertility hormones which are manufactured by non other than the devil himself. i am by no means a hoss, but i gained around 10lbs. when you start out around 110-114, that is quit an ordeal for my jeans to take on. and, while i will miss my boobs actually filling my bra, i certainly will not miss the muffin-tops that came with them and the impending camel toe that was just around the corner.

since i'm back on my way to "hottie-ville" maybe i'll commemorate the day by washing my car in my driveway with a skimpy bikini and heels.

i gave fair warning

yes, my blog page is in an order that does not make sense.
no, i cannot figure out how to fix it.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

it's just how i roll

originally this blog was going to be on infertiliy, but just this month we decided to take a break from treatments. so, it'll be a little about infertility right now and more about things i hate that make me bat-shit-crazy.

a few of the above mentioned things:
1. black olives
2. joey from real world hollywood
3. capitaling shit when using any form of computer
4. rachel ray
5. hallmark movies
6. imitation's like "wal-dryl." wtf?
7. purple socks
8. the word "moist"

about infertility - we've been actively ttc for what is now our 24th cycle. i just rec'd my "book" of papers to fill out since we are switching RE's for IVF. that's what my night will be filled with.

*disclaimer. i am technology of any kind retarded. this is in fact my first attempt at blogging. forgive me if my shit is all jacked up while figuring out how this works:)