Saturday, August 22, 2009

dear zofran pump

i was in love when we first met. within a day i had a noticeable reduction in nausea/vomiting. you seemed to be the answer to my vomit induced prayers. as a matter of fact, if you were a person i totally would have gotten busy with you.

but, less than a week into our love affair you seemed to have moved on to greener pastures. perhaps with someone less fertility challenged. or with less of a lumpy ass.

now you are the equivalent of crotchless underwear or a dick on my forehead- totally useless to me.

*food, i miss you. we are no longer BFF's and i am requesting the other half of our BFF necklace.

**zofran pump, you have been downgraded from "sexy lifesaving hunk" to "straight up undependable asshole."

Friday, August 21, 2009

hello ICLW!

hi everyone! here's a quick history of us and our IF breakdown. more detail is in the sidebar if interested. complete with snark and swearing. a warning if easily offended:)

my dh and i have been together for 10yrs, married for 6. he's 35, i'm 30. we started ttc 3 yrs ago and after every test/procedure possible i was found to have endometriosis. after it was removed we still did not get pregnant so we were given a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. after 5 IUI's and 2 IVF's we are cautiously awaiting our first little one to be born in february 2010.

i am currently off of work on medical leave with a zofran pump for hyperemesis. when not at home i work as a RN in peds ICU and if i stop throwing up long enough i will take my boards to be a pediatric nurse practitioner.

if only i had all that money i wasted on birth control i could stay home for the duration of this pregnancy. or buy a yacht to show up p-diddy, diddy, daddy-o or what the hell ever he goes by these days.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

pregnancy announcements: still asshole-y in my book

i've wondered how pregnancy announcements would make me feel now that i am pregnant. i would like to say that i am happy and cheery and all "yippy ki-yaay motherfucker!" about it, but i'm not. twice now, i have failed the test.

pregnancy announcement #1
it came from an asshole at work. i mean a giant asshole of a person in every sense of the word. she was walking around with a pregnancy book when she was 5 minutes pregnant (really. she was only 4 weeks.) and acted all coy when someone asked her if she was pregnant. "oh, you weren't supposed to see that!" accompanied by a blink blink, sheepish asshole smile. hmmm, i thought that was the point of you reading it through your entire shift while you should be taking care of your patients and carrying it with the title facing outward so everyone could see it? this person is a special kind of asshole-dickhead combo in my book, for many reasons.

pregnancy announcement #2
this one actually makes me feel bad about myself. it came from a dear friend. this girl is like a sister to me. we were in undergrad together and that was a kind of unbearable torture that if it weren't for her and a few other's, i wouldn't have made it.

with that being said, i haven't talked to her in months. she lives in another country for part of the year. i can't reach her by phone and she does not know about my pregnancy, but she does know that we have been trying for 3 yrs and needed IVF. i got an email from her yesterday. it went like this "blah, blah, blah, my sister is due in october and, hey, i'm due in march! we were just going to see what happened and we got pregnant the minute we tried!"

ok. ok, ok, ok. i would like to say that my initial reaction was nothing but happy for her but i would be lying. i was maybe 50% happy, 25% wtf?, 25% jealous/confused. i would never wish infertility issues on anyone, but really? the first freaking month of knockin' boots for any reason other than fun and it works for you? what??! and to announce it all in my face not knowing that i was pregnant too? ouch. i felt that all too familiar knife in the heart/kick in the gut feeling all over again.

i guess i just can't imagine how that would be. getting pregnant easily will never be our life. how perfectly amazing to not have to try. to never have to feel the disappointment month after month. to never have fear and doubt settle in that maybe there is a problem and maybe, just maybe, you will never have a child with the person you love most in the world. to never have been ttc so long that it is just ridiculous to measure the time in anything other than years.

i cannot imagine a pregnancy where the happiness of making it this far isn't overshadowed by the constant, intense worry that something might go wrong. and the worry that if God forbid something did go wrong that i won't have the strength to go through another 3 years of ttc if that is what it would take.

a day later, i really am completely happy for my friend. it just takes awhile to get all the way there.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

12 weeks, 2 days - off of work

i went to the dr yesterday for my 12 week appt and mentioned my constant nausea/vomiting to the nurse again as well as needing a shit ton of IV fluids last week. i was kinda annoyed b/c she acted like we didn't have this conversation 4 weeks ago. things she said that made me want to rip off my own face and strangle her with her stethoscope:

1. well, pregnancy DOES cause morning sickness.
2. we don't really like to do this, but maybe the dr will write for some zofran.
3. have you tried: smaller meals, acupuncture, eating before you get out of bed, ginger, just fluids, queasy pops, etc?
4. can you rest at work?
5. maybe you will feel better by 20 weeks.

to this i replied:
1. yea, bitch (ok, not the bitch part) i know it does. but i literally throw up everything and it's worse at work. did i mention that i've lost 8lbs now?
2. you already gave me zofran. last visit. thanx, it sucks.
3. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and for the love of God, YES! i tried all of that weeks ago, like i told you at the eight week appt.
4. i work in a f-ing pediatric ICU, what do you think? while i did fall asleep in the bathroom sunday night b/c i was in there throwing up for the 9th time and it was taking awhile, that sort of thing is generally frowned upon.
5. kiss my ass. 4 weeks ago you told me i would feel better at 12 weeks. now you are just making things up.

long story short, my dr came in and was much more sympathetic and understanding. he took me out of work for 2-3 weeks at first and we will re-evaluate at the end of that time. he also wants me to get a zofran pump if my insurance covers it.

he had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat, but i was really not concerned at all because of how sick i have been. after putting me in about 4 ridiculous positions he found it, which really doesn't make sense to me since i am pretty skinny, but oh well. maybe his doppler sucks as much as his nurse.

we discussed the findings of the high risk ultrasound that i had last week since that dr basically said "ok, neck measurement looks good. bye. oh, and btw, there is a band of tissue that shouldn't be there that the baby might get stuck in. sometimes it can cause amputations. we'll check it again at 20 weeks. ok, bye again." my regular ob dr said that he looked at the ultrasound and he really wasn't sure that it was anything to be concerned with, it may have been artifact. i would like to think that a high risk ob dr knows what he is looking at, but for peace of mind i'm going to go with what the regular ob said. he shot down my request for an ultrasound sooner than 20 weeks to check it because apparently there isn't much they can do about it anyway.

the best thing? at the ultrasound last week the baby was moving all around like crazy making it a little hard to get the neck measurements. it was rolling, doing flips and putting on a really good show for us. we could have watched our baby all day. we also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time which was the most beautiful thing i have ever heard. things like that are what makes all of this worth it.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

11 weeks, hello again

i haven't really been sure what to do with this blog lately. i started it when i was in grad school, but mainly because of our infertility issues as a way to vent, learn and meet people that are going thru similar situations as a means of giving and receiving support.

i have since graduated and am now 11 weeks pregnant. so, where to go from here? continue writing on it, but now use it as a pregnancy blog? with that it is inevitable that some of you will quit reading. i am guilty of the same thing. when we were getting BFN's month after month the last thing i wanted to do was read someone's blog about pregnancy. so, we'll see. my writing may be sporadic or every week. time will tell.

so far, things are going good. we have 1 baby snuggled in. tomorrow we go for our 3rd u/s. this one is to look for any genetic abnormalities, ie Down's, etc. the pregnancy itself? i have been throwing up numerous times most days since week 5, have heartburn, back and abdominal cramps and the inability to sleep even though i'm exhausted. these are not complaints by any means, i know how incredibly lucky we are. just the symptoms that i am having. so please, no emails/comments about what an ungrateful bitch i am. also? don't criticize how i write or what you think i am feeling, especially if you are not and have never dealt with IF. don't read my blog if you don't 'get' me. mmmkay?

i can't think of a clever segway here, so i'll just switch gears. i had an impromptu dr's appt at 8weeks, 4days for some pretty fierce cramping. after the u/s and everything being ok w/ the baby my dr. decided to just go ahead and do 10week appt business which involved blood work, weight check and full exam.

i don't know about most of you, but with all of my other full exams (not w/ this particular dr.) i have had to take off everything and put the stupid paper gown on "open to the front." this dude rolls a different way. he had me take everything off from the waist down, unbutton my shirt and loosen my bra. the latter i did not do until he came in the room b/c i really wasn't sure that i had heard him right and didn't want to sit there looking like an asshole like i did at the acupuncturist. anyway, that made it worse b/c he did in fact want all of that done and i had to do it w/ him standing there in the room. then i had to crank my shirt and bra up by my head so he could do my breast exam. he is quick, though, i'll give him that. he was done doing the breast exam and down doing the pap before i could even get re-situated. so, for the pap portion i layed there - with my legs in the air, shirt over my face, bra strangling me and hair a mess. i felt like it was prom all over again, except way less fun.

note to self. send anonymous letter outlining less embarrassing ways to conduct full exams. include diagram, or, if barfing ceases long enough, real stick figure's and barbie clothes to ensure complete understanding.

how have you all been? i've missed you.