Tuesday, October 13, 2009

a month and a half worth of updates....

contrary to what it may seem to some of you, i promise i don't sit at home rubbing my hands together with an evil laugh and stare at my email until i get enough people emailing me asking where i've been and if i'm ok. don't get me wrong, i am an attention whore, but not that bad.

let's see.....mexico? it was good. resort was beautiful, weather was great, food was good (although my husband enjoyed it more than i did) and dragging around the zofran pump wasn't too bad. i unhooked it when i went to the pool, so that was helpful. i ended up getting rid of it a couple of weeks ago and have had very little problems with nausea/vomiting.

i started studying for one of my boards a few weeks after we got back and took them last tues. i'm now officially a pediatric nurse practitioner:)

we had our gender u/s last week and we found out we are having a sweet little boy that looks great! he was so active and cute during the u/s and kept kicking the shit out of me which he does all day/night long anyway:) it was so neat to actually see him doing it. for a little bit he had his feet up over his head and then he started trying to suck his thumb. everything looked great as far as growth and development. i am so in love.

we were planning on going out and buying some baby things after the u/s because at 21 weeks we still hadn't bought the poor baby anything. instead i was admitted to the hospital for contractions, dehydration and severe abdominal pain that had started about 10 hrs before the u/s. they did a bunch of labs and some stuff was off but nothing that they could use to diagnose what was going on completely. the abdominal u/s that they did was useless b/c my uterus takes up all the room in my stomach now. so, after much begging on my part i got to go home the next night after they had slowed the contractions down. i had a follow up appt with my OB yesterday and he is still mystified as to why i am still having such bad abdominal pain. at first he thought it was appendicitis, but now we have no idea. i go back in a week to make sure that there are still no cervical changes from the contractions.

so, that's about it. hopefully the rest of the pregnancy will be normal and uneventful.

and, btw. i have decided that i in fact do not enjoy contractions and will probably, most definitely, be getting an epidural.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

dear zofran pump

i was in love when we first met. within a day i had a noticeable reduction in nausea/vomiting. you seemed to be the answer to my vomit induced prayers. as a matter of fact, if you were a person i totally would have gotten busy with you.

but, less than a week into our love affair you seemed to have moved on to greener pastures. perhaps with someone less fertility challenged. or with less of a lumpy ass.

now you are the equivalent of crotchless underwear or a dick on my forehead- totally useless to me.

*food, i miss you. we are no longer BFF's and i am requesting the other half of our BFF necklace.

**zofran pump, you have been downgraded from "sexy lifesaving hunk" to "straight up undependable asshole."

Friday, August 21, 2009

hello ICLW!

hi everyone! here's a quick history of us and our IF breakdown. more detail is in the sidebar if interested. complete with snark and swearing. a warning if easily offended:)

my dh and i have been together for 10yrs, married for 6. he's 35, i'm 30. we started ttc 3 yrs ago and after every test/procedure possible i was found to have endometriosis. after it was removed we still did not get pregnant so we were given a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. after 5 IUI's and 2 IVF's we are cautiously awaiting our first little one to be born in february 2010.

i am currently off of work on medical leave with a zofran pump for hyperemesis. when not at home i work as a RN in peds ICU and if i stop throwing up long enough i will take my boards to be a pediatric nurse practitioner.

if only i had all that money i wasted on birth control i could stay home for the duration of this pregnancy. or buy a yacht to show up p-diddy, diddy, daddy-o or what the hell ever he goes by these days.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

pregnancy announcements: still asshole-y in my book

i've wondered how pregnancy announcements would make me feel now that i am pregnant. i would like to say that i am happy and cheery and all "yippy ki-yaay motherfucker!" about it, but i'm not. twice now, i have failed the test.

pregnancy announcement #1
it came from an asshole at work. i mean a giant asshole of a person in every sense of the word. she was walking around with a pregnancy book when she was 5 minutes pregnant (really. she was only 4 weeks.) and acted all coy when someone asked her if she was pregnant. "oh, you weren't supposed to see that!" accompanied by a blink blink, sheepish asshole smile. hmmm, i thought that was the point of you reading it through your entire shift while you should be taking care of your patients and carrying it with the title facing outward so everyone could see it? this person is a special kind of asshole-dickhead combo in my book, for many reasons.

pregnancy announcement #2
this one actually makes me feel bad about myself. it came from a dear friend. this girl is like a sister to me. we were in undergrad together and that was a kind of unbearable torture that if it weren't for her and a few other's, i wouldn't have made it.

with that being said, i haven't talked to her in months. she lives in another country for part of the year. i can't reach her by phone and she does not know about my pregnancy, but she does know that we have been trying for 3 yrs and needed IVF. i got an email from her yesterday. it went like this "blah, blah, blah, my sister is due in october and, hey, i'm due in march! we were just going to see what happened and we got pregnant the minute we tried!"

ok. ok, ok, ok. i would like to say that my initial reaction was nothing but happy for her but i would be lying. i was maybe 50% happy, 25% wtf?, 25% jealous/confused. i would never wish infertility issues on anyone, but really? the first freaking month of knockin' boots for any reason other than fun and it works for you? what??! and to announce it all in my face not knowing that i was pregnant too? ouch. i felt that all too familiar knife in the heart/kick in the gut feeling all over again.

i guess i just can't imagine how that would be. getting pregnant easily will never be our life. how perfectly amazing to not have to try. to never have to feel the disappointment month after month. to never have fear and doubt settle in that maybe there is a problem and maybe, just maybe, you will never have a child with the person you love most in the world. to never have been ttc so long that it is just ridiculous to measure the time in anything other than years.

i cannot imagine a pregnancy where the happiness of making it this far isn't overshadowed by the constant, intense worry that something might go wrong. and the worry that if God forbid something did go wrong that i won't have the strength to go through another 3 years of ttc if that is what it would take.

a day later, i really am completely happy for my friend. it just takes awhile to get all the way there.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

12 weeks, 2 days - off of work

i went to the dr yesterday for my 12 week appt and mentioned my constant nausea/vomiting to the nurse again as well as needing a shit ton of IV fluids last week. i was kinda annoyed b/c she acted like we didn't have this conversation 4 weeks ago. things she said that made me want to rip off my own face and strangle her with her stethoscope:

1. well, pregnancy DOES cause morning sickness.
2. we don't really like to do this, but maybe the dr will write for some zofran.
3. have you tried: smaller meals, acupuncture, eating before you get out of bed, ginger, just fluids, queasy pops, etc?
4. can you rest at work?
5. maybe you will feel better by 20 weeks.

to this i replied:
1. yea, bitch (ok, not the bitch part) i know it does. but i literally throw up everything and it's worse at work. did i mention that i've lost 8lbs now?
2. you already gave me zofran. last visit. thanx, it sucks.
3. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and for the love of God, YES! i tried all of that weeks ago, like i told you at the eight week appt.
4. i work in a f-ing pediatric ICU, what do you think? while i did fall asleep in the bathroom sunday night b/c i was in there throwing up for the 9th time and it was taking awhile, that sort of thing is generally frowned upon.
5. kiss my ass. 4 weeks ago you told me i would feel better at 12 weeks. now you are just making things up.

long story short, my dr came in and was much more sympathetic and understanding. he took me out of work for 2-3 weeks at first and we will re-evaluate at the end of that time. he also wants me to get a zofran pump if my insurance covers it.

he had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat, but i was really not concerned at all because of how sick i have been. after putting me in about 4 ridiculous positions he found it, which really doesn't make sense to me since i am pretty skinny, but oh well. maybe his doppler sucks as much as his nurse.

we discussed the findings of the high risk ultrasound that i had last week since that dr basically said "ok, neck measurement looks good. bye. oh, and btw, there is a band of tissue that shouldn't be there that the baby might get stuck in. sometimes it can cause amputations. we'll check it again at 20 weeks. ok, bye again." my regular ob dr said that he looked at the ultrasound and he really wasn't sure that it was anything to be concerned with, it may have been artifact. i would like to think that a high risk ob dr knows what he is looking at, but for peace of mind i'm going to go with what the regular ob said. he shot down my request for an ultrasound sooner than 20 weeks to check it because apparently there isn't much they can do about it anyway.

the best thing? at the ultrasound last week the baby was moving all around like crazy making it a little hard to get the neck measurements. it was rolling, doing flips and putting on a really good show for us. we could have watched our baby all day. we also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time which was the most beautiful thing i have ever heard. things like that are what makes all of this worth it.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

11 weeks, hello again

i haven't really been sure what to do with this blog lately. i started it when i was in grad school, but mainly because of our infertility issues as a way to vent, learn and meet people that are going thru similar situations as a means of giving and receiving support.

i have since graduated and am now 11 weeks pregnant. so, where to go from here? continue writing on it, but now use it as a pregnancy blog? with that it is inevitable that some of you will quit reading. i am guilty of the same thing. when we were getting BFN's month after month the last thing i wanted to do was read someone's blog about pregnancy. so, we'll see. my writing may be sporadic or every week. time will tell.

so far, things are going good. we have 1 baby snuggled in. tomorrow we go for our 3rd u/s. this one is to look for any genetic abnormalities, ie Down's, etc. the pregnancy itself? i have been throwing up numerous times most days since week 5, have heartburn, back and abdominal cramps and the inability to sleep even though i'm exhausted. these are not complaints by any means, i know how incredibly lucky we are. just the symptoms that i am having. so please, no emails/comments about what an ungrateful bitch i am. also? don't criticize how i write or what you think i am feeling, especially if you are not and have never dealt with IF. don't read my blog if you don't 'get' me. mmmkay?

i can't think of a clever segway here, so i'll just switch gears. i had an impromptu dr's appt at 8weeks, 4days for some pretty fierce cramping. after the u/s and everything being ok w/ the baby my dr. decided to just go ahead and do 10week appt business which involved blood work, weight check and full exam.

i don't know about most of you, but with all of my other full exams (not w/ this particular dr.) i have had to take off everything and put the stupid paper gown on "open to the front." this dude rolls a different way. he had me take everything off from the waist down, unbutton my shirt and loosen my bra. the latter i did not do until he came in the room b/c i really wasn't sure that i had heard him right and didn't want to sit there looking like an asshole like i did at the acupuncturist. anyway, that made it worse b/c he did in fact want all of that done and i had to do it w/ him standing there in the room. then i had to crank my shirt and bra up by my head so he could do my breast exam. he is quick, though, i'll give him that. he was done doing the breast exam and down doing the pap before i could even get re-situated. so, for the pap portion i layed there - with my legs in the air, shirt over my face, bra strangling me and hair a mess. i felt like it was prom all over again, except way less fun.

note to self. send anonymous letter outlining less embarrassing ways to conduct full exams. include diagram, or, if barfing ceases long enough, real stick figure's and barbie clothes to ensure complete understanding.

how have you all been? i've missed you.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

5 weeks, 3 days

just call me barfy mcbarferson.

my second beta was monday, which was 5 weeks on the dot and also the day i started throwing up everything like it was my job.
2nd beta @ 21dp3dt - 11,180. which, coincidentally is how many crunches it feels like i have been doing since monday and the start of my barfing marathon.

other symptoms: continuing tiredness, constipation, dry skin, and week long migraines. i welcome all of these symptoms with open arms, after all, i have waited 3 years to have morning sickness. the migraines on the other hand? they can kiss my ass. i had them before pregnancy so i don't feel like it is one of the "joys" of pregnancy.

i went to acupuncture yesterday for the nausea, vomiting and migraines. i can home and threw up instantly so i doubt that the acupuncture was much help. my husband did get me some sea bands and besides getting a pressure ulcer from the spots on the inside of my wrists, they seem to help some. he also gave me a nice massage that helped dull my migraine. he's the best.

our first u/s is wednesday, july 2.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

4 weeks, 3 days

or, are you gonna eat that?

symptoms so far:
incredible ability to eat all day long - this has been going on since 2dp3dt though, so i don't think i can really blame pregnancy. probably IVF med/hormone induced.
sore boobs - they feel as though my husband has been using them for a punching bag while a piranha simultaneously chews on my nipples. the PIO shots make them sore as well, so i don't think it's all pregnancy related.
tired - getting worse, but also from the PIO shots. and no caffeine.
bloating - unless i have 20 babies in there, i'm blaming the PIO as well. annoying b/c when will i know when i am really starting to show?
disgusting veiny chest - gag. i look like an anorexic corpse from the boobs up.
crampyness - this has been happening on and off since the retrieval. sometimes they are so bad they wake me up, which i find unsettling. this and the veinyness are the only things that i can completely blame on the pregnancy.

all in all though, i feel great and we are on cloud nine. i'm not complaining about any of the above symptoms, at all. just find them fascinating. after all, our baby is only the size of a poppy seed right now.

we are still so incredibly excited and in disbelief at our pregnancy news, while at the same time trying to be cautious and not get our hopes up too much yet. i love the way my husband kisses my belly and says sweet things to the baby(s) that are in there. i don't ever want this to end.

next beta is on monday the 22nd. the first ultrasound will be the week of the 29th. these next 2 weeks are going to drag by, i can already tell.

Monday, June 15, 2009

what a difference a line makes

late updates:

we went ahead with the retrieval after finding out that i probably only had 5-7 eggs that would be mature enough. ER was 5/29. 8 eggs were retrieved, 6 were mature and 3 fertilized. we did a 3dt on 6/1 and transferred 2 embryo's. one was already starting to compact and one was an 8 cell. both of them looked very good and we were strongly persuaded not to put all 3 embryo's back since they felt the risk of triplets was too high. so, the third embryo grew a few more days and was frozen 5 days after the ER.

beta was today. it was 686. my clinic likes numbers that are >100. i go back next week for another beta and in 2 weeks for our first u/s. i am officially 4 weeks pregnant today!

i don't even know what to think. i have peed on 9 sticks since 6/10 and all of them have been +, so while it wasn't a shock, it was. i felt like i really couldn't say "i'm pregnant" until after the beta. even now, it seems foreign. but a good foreign.

while we are over the moon excited, i also feel some hesitation for this post. it has been 3 years, 5 IUI's, 2 IVF's, 111 injections (and still going), countless tears and prayers. i know all too well that sinking feeling of reading that yet another person is pregnant. especially after recent failed treatments. i know the feelings of rage, jealousy, hopelessness and unfairness that come from reading about another person's BFP.

i hope that soon all of you ttc will get to feel this too.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

IVF #2, take 2

a lot has been going on since my last post.

-i graduated. (pics to be posted if i ever get un-lazy)
-i've been doing things around the house that i have neglected to do for the last 2 yrs while in school.
-i am constantly searching for jobs. turns out, there's not much to choose from right now. just super.
-we started meds for IVF #2 3 days ago as follows:
AM: 20 units micro dose lupron and 225 units gonal-f
PM: 20 units micro dose lupron and 225 units menopur.

they suck. a lot. i have a constant headache, some hot flashes, more rage fits than i remember having last time and of course bloating. it's fine though. i know we are lucky to be able to try this, so i'm not even close to complaining.

my baseline u/s and b/w were monday. i wanted to kick my own ass for even going back to the RE when the u/s lady asked me "so, did we get lucky?!" to which i said "we didn't get anything. if you'll notice, you are doing a CD 2 u/s on me. but hey, it's just a minor detail, right?" i thought about being extra pissed from that point on, but then she quickly corrected herself and asked if we were changing the meds around and reassured me that they often see better results when they put patients with a poor response on the protocol that i am now on. she also said that i have nice antral follicles that are like "ladies in waiting." corny, but it made me smile. my E2 level was 9. i go back tomorrow for my first monitoring appt. hopefully my lazy ovaries are done being stubborn and get their shit together.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

cinco de hi-yooo

or, alternate title: my uterus is a worthless bag of shit.

first, best cinco de mayo ever - i took my last exam of grad school today. while it sucked, a lot, it's over. no more tests, presentations, papers, clinicals (1000 hrs that i worked for FREE). done, done DONE! i am so damn excited that i don't even know what to do w/ myself. i started celebrating by double fisting some delicious beer with my classmates to celebrate and make the horrendous test we just took a distant memory.

now, my uterus is a worthless bag of shit -
i got my period on may 1, exactly 7 damn days late. while i did not believe for a second that i was pg, i was none the less annoyed since i had to get it in order to start the meds for IVF #2. with my uterus and other reproductive parts undying quest to sabotage our IVF, it came at the exact worst time possible. we had to postpone this cycle as well b/c the prospective ER would have been too close to graduation to risk it, and i don't think my mother or husband would allow me to skip graduation;) i really didn't think it was that big of a deal b/c i recalled having this exact conversation with my IVF nurses about what we would do if things fell too close to graduation after our IVF cycle was cancelled. i remember it extremely well, b/c i took notes. that's what i do. i write shit down so there is no question later. i had written down that i could take bcp for 1 week if needed to skip an important date/vacation. 1 m-effing week. one. apparently the IVF nurses had never heard of such a thing. "one week, that's just silly, what do you think one week of bcp will do? no, you can just skip this month and try for next month" this of course led me to have a meltdown and throw a fit like a 5 yr old. b/c, dammit, i wrote down 1 week of bcp and i don't want to wait an entire month. also, i don't "have all the time in the world" as she implied. i only have infertility insurance though my current job. the job that i will hopefully be quitting in a few months after i take boards b/c i need to find a new job as a nurse practitioner. anyway, i lost and we are doing bcp for 2 weeks, then i stop and wait for af and then get the baseline u/s, blood work and start the new medication protocol. argh. extra annoying. also annoying? the IVF nurse tried to make it sound like a super great idea. at least until i told her that this is still basically sitting out an entire cycle and she didn't fool me. i am really having a strong dislike for this RE's office staff. they seem to be chalked full of liars and jerks that give false hope. i miss my old RE. damn insurance.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

39 days

we decided to wait to take another stab (yea, i said 'stab') at IVF until after graduation. it was a hard decision, i am tired of waiting and things coming up. but really, i have 39 days until i graduate. waiting would mean a lot less stress and a lot more free time on my part. it just makes more sense to wait.

i have never been more relieved after we decided to wait. last week i was just in a funk about the whole thing. i'm still so frustrated and mad about the first IVF cycle. this little break will give me time to get over that and get ready for the next one.

my acupuncturist wants me to keep seeing her at least every week. i'm not going this week and don't know when i plan on going back. she really didn't help me much with the last cycle, so maybe i'll just revert back to dancing around my fertility statue*

*i do not dance. i do not have a fertility statue, but if you are looking to get rid of one, feel free to send it my way.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


while i was not planning on poas today, i had to in order to know if i needed to stop the progesterone suppositories or not because lets face it - anything that has "suppository" in the name is not fun. and, like i figured, it was a BFN.

disappointed? yes.
surprised? not at all.

i talked to the IVF nurse and she said to call the office when af comes and i decide when we will be doing the next round of IVF so we can set up the baseline u/s and b/w. i still haven't decided if it will be april or may.

on the bright side, if we wait until may i can get rip-roaring drunk after my last final before graduation and eat all the sushi and soft cheese i want until then.

that's all i got today. over and out.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

8dpiui #5

well, i suppose i'm overdue for a post. not a whole lot going on right now. i had some OHSS last friday, 4 days after the HCG, 2 dpiui. i was pretty sure i was either going to die or my ovaries were trying to claw their way out of my uterus for calling them lazy worthless bitches. i had a horrible case of cramps and had so much fluid in my abdomen that i couldn't breathe or walk right. i also looked, in my opinion, like a dead bloated deer that had been in the sun for a week. dh said 12 weeks pg. whatever, either way it was not good. my pants still scream when i look at them for fear that they will be tortured again.

since starting progesterone i have been wicked irritable. someone sent me a text on sunday night that pissed me off so much that i would have pimp slapped them with their phone had they been anywhere near me. i've also been really tired and pretty much crampy the entire time. and the boobs? they are giant and sore. did i mention really irritable? this progesterone is a bitch and it's turning me into one as well.

*let me just take this time to say that i know full well that all of the above afflictions are from the progesterone and not from being knocked up. kthnxbye

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

somebody kill me please

you know, as in the chorus to the song adam sandler sang (screamed) to drew barrymore in the wedding singer when he was auditioning to play at her wedding?

besides being incredibly disappointed by the cancellation of our 1st IVF, i'm also wicked pissed. and, really, is it any wonder? see below.

1.) i went to acupuncture again today in preparation for the IUI tomorrow. she asked me all kinds of questions, and after doing the usual pulse and tongue check she says to me, "gee, i don't know why you have such a hard time getting pregnant. it shouldn't be this hard. everything looks good."
-yea, bitch, i know it shouldn't, but it is. now how's about you get crack-a-lackin' with the needle jabbing so i can get on my way. and, while you are jamming needles in places that i'm still not convinced they belong; you can say more fun things to me like, "you would be such a great mom" or "golly jeeze, your babies would be so beautiful." really. i'd love it. <-sarcasm.

2.) the way too fucking excited and overly cheery ultrasound tech at my RE's office is also on my list. i like my bitches to keep it real. her over enthusiasm makes me all twitchy. i can't be held accountable for what might happen if this continues. i mean, my legs are already up in holsters and her face isn't that far away. i'm just saying, she might be seeing a boot to the head in our very near future. especially if she tells me again that everything looks just super-duper when all i have is 4 follicles.

3.) the shitty performance from my ovaries. wtf is all i can say about that. well, no, i can say more...they are like the really slow kids in the class that have IEP's and what not and still get D-'s. they need a 'hooked on phonics-getting your shit together and start producing some good follicles already' edition . and a few swift kicks. and more 'roids.

4.) the pictures of the sweet, adorable, delicious babies that are plastered all over the walls that i had to walk past yesterday after speaking with our RE about cancelling our IVF. what's next? actual live adorable babies that i have to fucking step over on my way out the door?

5.) and then there is this ignorant slut:

"please help me because i'm so worried, 5 days ago i sort of had sex with my fiance ( by sort of i mean without penetration ) the problem is that after having orgasm both of us i went to the bathroom to find transparent Secretions with blood drops, this went on till next morning , then after one day i found pink blood in my underwear and every time i go to the toilet i find brown Secretions, my main concern that my fiance had orgasn befor me and when i was finished i couldn't find semen anywhere but in the bathroom it was like soap bubbles when i was washing.
i just want to know why there is blood and where did the semen go
ps. i'm still virgin
he ejected away from the vaginal open"

i found this little gem while i was googling stuff about progesterone b/c the nurses at my RE's office don't like to give info. anyway, ummm, is this a joke? because i tried to strangle myself after reading the first two lines. who is really that awful of a speller? why in the hell is 'secretions' capitalized? while your main concern is the ghost semen, mine is the fact he 'ejected away from the vaginal open,' and the 'soap bubbles.' and, no, my friend - you are not even close to being a virgin. nice try. and stop using the word 'toilet.' it's gross. i hate you. you're a giant asshole.
p.s. good luck with the pregnancy.

Monday, March 9, 2009

well, fuck

we had another appointment today for an ultrasound and blood work. i only had 4 follicles that were worth a damn so we are probably going to cancel this cycle. i wanted to as soon as i heard the low number and our dr confirmed that it would probably be wise to change to an iui cycle in hopes of getting more follicles next time with a different medication protocol. so, we'll just wait on the call from him later to tell us what we are doing for sure and we'll decide later tonight if we even want to do another iui. we've done 4 already and they haven't worked, so i may opt out altogether.

tiffanie 1, IVF 9,654,145,786

Saturday, March 7, 2009

my acupuncturist thinks i'm easy

so i went to my first acupuncture appt a couple of days ago. the lady was really nice. kinda earthy. i liked her, but fully expected her to bust out with some incense and feathers and do a jig around me. she was very thorough and asked a lot of good questions about my health in general and our infertility history. after the interview, pulse checking and tongue inspecting she told me to get undressed down to my bra and underwear and put on a gown that opens to the back.

so, let me take this time to explain that i have not been to a dr for anything the last 3 yrs other than the RE and my once yearly appt with my general dr for my Rx refill for migraine meds. meaning, every time i have been to the dr in the last 3 yrs with the exception of 2 visits, i have had to disrobe from the waist down. everything off, pants, underwear, you get it.

i clearly was not paying attention to what i was doing. i saw the exam table, the paper covering and did what i always do. everything off from the waste down. at the last minute i remembered to put my underwear back on and was in the middle of doing that when she came in. i think she either thinks i am mentally challenged, a giant perv or super easy. she mumbled something about "oh. those can stay on honey" and went about her business. ahhhh. i felt like an asshole. sorry, acupuncture lady. i will try harder to keep my lady bits under control and under wraps from now on.

as far as my dr's appt on friday - i had 5 follicles on the left and 3 follicles on the right all measuring between 10mm and 13mm with some smaller follicles that are lagging behind. my E2 level was up to 275. it still doesn't sound that great to me, but they are keeping me on the same dosage of gonal-f and lupron and will see me again on monday. they have stopped telling me a prospective ER day.

Monday, March 2, 2009

stim check, day 3.5

we had our 2nd appt for an u/s and blood work yesterday. according to the ultrasound tech my uterus looked fine, i had 3 follicles <10 on my right ovary and 5 follicles <10mm on lefty. i would have been annoyed with the small number of follicles and my underachieving ovaries, but the tech said they don't get hung up on the number of follicles at this appt, it's more to make sure that i am responding and that my E2 level is ok. my E2 level was a shitty 47, up from 15 before starting stims. this level isn't great, as a matter of fact, it's borderline worthless.

so, next appt is scheduled for friday, which will be day 8 of stims. i just called the IVF nurse back today b/c i am still freaking out about the low E2 level and she said they will decide if this cycle will be cancelled on friday or if we need to adjust meds. i asked yesterday after the call about the E2 level and again today if they wanted to change my meds now and the answer both times was a big fat 'no and please stop bothering me, you crazy IVF girl, i've got people with a real chance at success to deal with here.'

i also tried to get some info about acupuncture since my RE's office has a in-house acupuncturist. the useless receptionist was no help and i feel dumber after talking to her. she also eluded that i an extremely irresponsible IVF patient b/c i should have been doing acupuncture this whole time. duh. here's a fun sample of what i dealt with for 8 minutes before i had to hang up and bang my head on the table.

question 1: when should i get my first acupuncture treatment?
shitty useless answer: you should have already had it. many people come here for months before they start IVF.

question 2: what is the recommended # of times to have acupuncture when undergoing IVF?
shitty useless answer: it really depends on what your problem is. that will be discussed at your first appt.

question 3: how exactly does acupuncture help, other than increase bloodflow and decrease stress?
shitty useless answer: it really depends on what your problem is. that will be discussed at your first appt.

question 4: will i be able to schedule an appt when i find out when my ET will be since it's kinda last minute?
shitty useless answer: it really depends on what your problem is. that will be discussed at your first appt. we'll try to fit you in.

so, super. all i know after that conversation is that the lady answering the phones is a useless bitch, each session is $100, i am already a bad mother according to her. she would probably blame my shitty E2 on my lack of acupuncture from age 5 up til now. i gave up on having acupuncture at that place other than the day of ET if we make it that far. i will have an acupuncture treatment right before the ET and then again right after. in the meantime i will be having acupuncture by a far nicer lady that is closer to my house anyway. first appt is today.

as far as any side effects i am having - the lupron has made me excruciatingly tired from the beginning and continues to do so. i also have a weird constant headache that never really goes away, but gets better/worse intermittently. the gonal f causes more hot flashes than i had w/ the lupron and slight irritability. my skin is wicked dry, and i'm not sure who the culprit is on that one. i also seem to have some laxative effects from the gonal-f which i don't recall from taking it before. but, i see it as win/win. i'm getting some (hopefully) good follicles and possibly losing some weight. bring it.

tiffanie 1, IVF 1 (shitty E2)

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Suppression check, check.

we had our first ultrasound this morning to see how i responded to the 10u of lupron. my uterus and lining looked great and i had a few antral follicles on each ovary which was "just perfect." they want estrodial levels under 100 and mine was 15. so far i am kicking IVF's ass. tonight is my last night of 10u of lupron, then tomorrow i switch to 150u gonal-f in the morning and 150u in the evening and decrease my lupron to 5u in the evening.

as for the exciting news i mentioned a few days ago, my husband and i were selected to participate in a documentary on infertility and the different routes to having a family. we are obviously doing the IVF part, but there will also be a part on surrogacy and adoption. so, the camera crew went with us to our appt and did some taping at our house. they will be with us for all of the big appts and the pregnancy test. they found me through my blog back in the fall, but i didn't think that we were going to do IVF until april/may and that was too late for production. then one of the producers happened to email me again right before starting lupron to ask how things were and where we were at in out treatments. since we moved things up it was perfect timing for them. how freakin' cool is that??!!

that's it for the updates. next ultrasound and blood work isn't until monday the 2nd. the IVF nurse thought that my retrieval would probably be march 9,10 or 11th, but obviously depends on how i respond to the meds. holy hell!

tiffanie 1, IVF 0

Monday, February 23, 2009

lupron is like a lame ass prom date

it's day 8 of my lupron injections and besides a few hot flashes, wicked tiredness and my inability to give myself an injection without hesitating every time, it's not too bad. where are my crazy hormone rage filled fits? including tonight i have 3 more 10u sq injections before my ultrasound and blood work on thursday.

i will have some exciting news about a project that will educate the general public about infertility and the different paths that couple's take to become parents in a few days:)

and, whoever left me the comment/assvice about stress affecting fertility - yea, i got it. we have been ttc for almost 3 yrs. i worked 3 days a week for the entire first year of ttc and had not yet started graduate school. i didn't even know what stess was and had no luck.

ps - welcome ICLW:)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

conversations that will make me talk bad about you

convo #1.
me: blah, blah, blah to a friend about my upcoming IVF
eavesdropping asshole: i know someone who did IVF and it didn't work.
me: well, it doesn't always work the first time.
ea: yea, they did it twice and it didn't work. what a waste. why even bother? you people should just adopt.
me: (snarl.) us people? what exactly is us people? and, thanks by the way for raining shit all over my IVF parade when i wasn't even talking to you. would you like to next talk about how i'll probably fail both of my boards in the summer and if by some small chance i do pass, i'll probably never in a million years find a job that i want? huh? would you like that?
ea: blank stare. blink. blink.

convo #2
me: having a convo w/ a friend, general stuff, IVF, etc.
retarded whore: ohhhhh, are you gonna put 8 in like that one lady?
me: (instant seething rage.) no. we. will. not. we are putting 2 embryo's in. do not ever again think that you are funny or clever.
rh: oh, i was just asking.
me: you make me want to claw off my own face, but since i am too pretty it will have to be yours. and, here's a question for you - do you have a corkscrew so i can give myself a lobotomy in hopes of removing the memory of all the stupid things people like you say?

convo #3
me: hey, i just wanted to give you a heads up for when i might need to be off of work for a couple of days since you are doing the schedule.
scheduling nightmare: oh. you mean for.........?
me: yea. i can at least give you a window, since it's our busiest time of the year, but no exact dates yet.
sn: you really should keep that to yourself. you shouldn't be telling people.
me: yea, see, i'm telling you out of professional courtesy. not because we are friends or i want your stellar advice that you are always handing out.
sn: well, someone here went through IVF and told everyone and it didn't work out too well for them if you know what i mean.
me: no, i don't know what you mean. did telling everyone cause their uterus to fall out? and, i'm not telling everyone. you only get to know by default because you do the schedule. don't think for a second that i want you to know. and, do me a favor, can you smother yourself with that ridiculous turtleneck of yours that you always insist on wearing? thanks.

and, to the slut-whore-c-u-next-tuesday who told me i should re-evaluate myself and change my blog - go fuck yourself. i didn't ask for your opinion or approval. you mean less than nothing to me. you are an ignorant cow and for the 4th time in case you still aren't clear: i am doing IVF to get pregnant, not because i am pregnant. how about you go re-evaluate yourself? like on some railroad tracks. or in a lake wearing cement shoes.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

lets get this (IVF) party started!

Obligatory IVF meds picture:

So that's pretty much all of the meds i'll be taking in the next few weeks. I'm excited to get going. 1st lupron shot is tonight @ 9p. i'll be taking 10u sq every night until i hear otherwise from the RE. first ultrasound is scheduled for 2/26.

so far we are excited and hopeful that this will work. i've been here before though, with each new test, each new round of IUI, i had this excited hopefulness and a feeling that whatever we were doing was going to work. i hope we are right this time. i'm so tired of being wrong.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

my most sincerest apologies

to all who heard my wrath for talking shit about the mother of the octuplets, or, winner of the Most Giant Uterus in the World competition. last week when everyone was talking smack about IVF and infertility treatments i was not shy in educating the fertiles of the world that "no responsible Dr. in the US would ever transfer 8 healthy embryo's into a women. ever. she must have done IUI and unfortunately that is a risk that you take." i mean, we infertiles have to stick together, right?

my bad.

imagine my surprise when i find out that indeed, this super-slut did undergo IVF, which is why she has so many (6) children before the newest 8 just came along via FET. what the fuck, people? this stupid whore has no job, no husband/partner to help her with her baker's dozen +1, no house, no nothing. except that is, plans on getting everything paid for by the government and tv deals and so on. how in the name of all that is holy did she even afford IVF/FET to begin with?

to make it up to those that i yelled at for being uneducated insensitive asshole's, i vow to punch that bitch right in her perky ovaries if i ever run into her. exactly how i punch her is yet to be determined-a swift punch with 1 fist and brass knuckles, a good old fashioned 1 - 2 punch in each ovary or maybe just a roundhouse kick in that general area.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

satan moonlights as a photographer

picture ID's are nothing short of the work of the devil. i hate them. i always look horrific.

i had to get one last week for one of the hospitals that i am doing clinical at. either satan was working the photo ID area on this particular day or someone has a really bad sense of humor. and a knack for photo shopping pictures.

that is what i am blaming the newest atrocity that bears my name anyway. i look like i need a blood transfusion for one. also, the camera added about 35 lbs and 2 extra chins. and the most offending thing about my picture - my nostrils. they are so enormous that it looks as though i could snort my body weight in cocaine in 1 breath.

i can hear my prospective employers now. "yea, she does a great job, but she's too much of a liability, what with her apparent need of continuous blood transfusions and all." or "wow, did you see her giant nostrils in her photo? maybe we should get her some rehab for her nose candy addiction."

gah. oh well. i suppose if the pharmacy keeps fucking with me about my IVF meds i won't have to worry about getting a job in a few months. i'll be in jail because i single handedly beat the shit out of all who have caused me undue stress and anxiety with their own arms.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

suck it, company that shall remain nameless

there is a particular cleaner that i am extremely fond of. it's fairly new and my husband and i LOVE it. we originally found it at a grocery store, but they don't carry it anymore. since then i have looked at about 5 different grocery stores and then i finally gave up and emailed the company. i'll be honest and admit that i was hoping that i was charming enough to score some free bottles. you know, for all my time wasted and frustration of not finding it anywhere and whatnot.

not the case. evidently the fine people at this company are a bunch of assholes and do not care that i had a ridiculously hard time finding the said cleaner. here was the first few lines of the response that they sent back to me which, btw, took them 5 days. note to self - enclose picture next time.

"We've all had trouble finding a product at one time or another. This product is available to wholesalers and retailers nationally."

then it goes on and on about how they can't sell directly to me and i should contact all store managers and yadda, yadda, yadda. yea, thanks for nothing. at the end of the email when i was ready to gouge out my eyes there was this gem:

"P.S. If you're a mom who likes learning about new products and sharing your opinions about them, we'd love to hear from you!"

you might be thinking oh no they di'ent! (you know, "didn't", but better) but, i assure you. yes they did. thanks crappy company for reminding me that i am not a mom. and, sure, i'll give you my opinion - you were just upgraded from assholes to donkey fuckers. i hope all of your weiners fall off.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

plans and meds

so we met with our RE last monday for the final testing/nurse consultation before starting IVF. we had to sign the same consents again and sit through a 2hr long informative presentation by one of the IVF nurses on how to mix the meds and give the injections. 2 hours. seriously. what. the. fuck. not only are my husband and i both nurses, but i mix life saving medications in the blink of an eye at work. pretty sure i got it covered when i have all the time in the world to figure it out and a dr isn't yelling "where the hell is that epi drip already?!" and, really? the fake cushion to demonstrate a shot? AHHHHH. i mean come on! a painful and wasted 2 hrs. the worst part was she even said "i read that you two are both nurses." read, yes. processed, no.

anywho, we could have started lupron yesterday but i chickened out and my eyes started leaking when the nurse mentioned this in the office. i think we will start sometime in february. i want time to set up w/ the acupuncturist anyway. 3+ shots a day just isn't enough needles for this gal.

the plan so far is:
lupron 10units 1x a day starting on CD 21 until otherwise told to quit.
gonal-f 150units 2x a day starting on CD 3
hcg x1 when my follies are nice and big
progesterone - who the hell knows how much or when yet.
estrogen patches. shit.
i also have a couple of antibiotics and on the plus side, i did score some tylenol w/ codeine. hell to the yeah.

so far this all equals a not fun time for my husband since this concoction is no doubt going to make me ape shit crazy.