Sunday, October 10, 2010

Daaat Biiiitch

Let me just start by saying that 2 days ago I bought a dress for a wedding that took place today. When I tried it on I said to myself, "Self, you look HOTT! I would totally make out with your reflection in the mirror if we were home!" That's pretty much how that went. Then on the way home I said to myself, "Self! you just bought a fucking bubble dress you asshole! A strapless, tight, extremely short, low cut bubble damn dress. Who the hell do you think you are and more importantly, did you forget that you are 31 years old??!! You are a 31 year old MOTHER for cripes sake!"

So, I packed another dress in case I decided that it really was inappropriate. The wedding took place many hours away from where I live where there are lots of hills and billies if you know what I mean. But, you know what? Today I was like fuck it! I'm totally wearing it. I don't care if my lactating boobs are falling out and every time I slightly bend over you can see where babies come from. Who cares, I'm a milf and I'm gonna rock this dress out.

Why this was a bad plan... The wedding was on top of an enormous mountain. A gigantic windy mountain with a short lightweight dress and a infant that needs pushed in a giant stroller by no one other that me because my husband is the best man and Every time I went to pick my son up or put him down it was T&A everywhere.

I was feeling very self conscious about my poor choice in clothing when a girl came up to me and said "oh, I love your dress!" I was all "gee thanks and wanna be bff's?" Then a few minutes later I was like Daaat Biiitch! I am pretty sure that buffalo was making fun of me! Dammit! What?! Really?! I invented that game and just got schooled. At least in my head that's what she meant. I still think I am right because at the reception I had to sit at the same table as her and it was awkward. My husband thinks I should try and remove myself from the 9th grade. I think he should stop leaving dishes in the sink, but whatever.

I need to take a minute to talk about the annoyance of the wedding date of 10-10-10. I suppose that is tolerable, but there was another couple here getting married earlier today. At 10:10am. That's a bit much. Since I couldn't pelt them with stones I hope they get a divorce on 11-11-11 @ 11:11am.

*My entire goal of the evening was to post pictures of my baby but I cannot for the life of me:
A. figure out how and/or
B. find them on the computer.

I swear my husband hides things from me just to make my life difficult and give him a reason to help his technology-retarded wife. It's a miracle he doesn't have to show me how to work the microwave. Well, actually, it's not. If it involves food, I'll damn sure figure it out. Why can't it be as easy as my Droid? I can download the shit out of pictures on my phone. I'll figure it out soon....

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

After a year you would think I could do better...

So, I have decided to start blogging again. Unfortunately, this will be a short post as I have a job that requires me to get up between 4 and 4:30 am and subsequently makes me retire to my sleeping quarters before my 88 year old grandmother does.

A few things:
*Anyone notice that I changed the name of my blog? Many reasons...don't get me wrong, I still wake up every day and enjoy a nice tall glass of hater-aide, but in all honesty the name doesn't fit anymore and while I liked it at first, it never really completely fit anyway.

*I also will try very hard to capitalize things. I have no excuse anymore. I hated doing it before b/c I was in grad school and wrote so many effing papers that I just wanted to write a blog and not worry about crap such as capitalizing.

*I have the most beautiful, amazing baby that I have ever seen. And, you should believe me since I work with babies all the livelong damn day.

*I will post pictures of said World's Most Beautiful Baby soon.

*How can I be so sure I am going to keep posting and not continue to be lame and suck ass you ask? Jeeze, lay off, I just got back! But, if it makes you feel reassured, I have another set of boards to study for because I am the queen of procrastination and what better way to use one's spare time than to write blog posts? Brilliant.

*ok, this capitalizing everything is already pissing me off.