Sunday, October 10, 2010

Daaat Biiiitch

Let me just start by saying that 2 days ago I bought a dress for a wedding that took place today. When I tried it on I said to myself, "Self, you look HOTT! I would totally make out with your reflection in the mirror if we were home!" That's pretty much how that went. Then on the way home I said to myself, "Self! you just bought a fucking bubble dress you asshole! A strapless, tight, extremely short, low cut bubble damn dress. Who the hell do you think you are and more importantly, did you forget that you are 31 years old??!! You are a 31 year old MOTHER for cripes sake!"

So, I packed another dress in case I decided that it really was inappropriate. The wedding took place many hours away from where I live where there are lots of hills and billies if you know what I mean. But, you know what? Today I was like fuck it! I'm totally wearing it. I don't care if my lactating boobs are falling out and every time I slightly bend over you can see where babies come from. Who cares, I'm a milf and I'm gonna rock this dress out.

Why this was a bad plan... The wedding was on top of an enormous mountain. A gigantic windy mountain with a short lightweight dress and a infant that needs pushed in a giant stroller by no one other that me because my husband is the best man and Every time I went to pick my son up or put him down it was T&A everywhere.

I was feeling very self conscious about my poor choice in clothing when a girl came up to me and said "oh, I love your dress!" I was all "gee thanks and wanna be bff's?" Then a few minutes later I was like Daaat Biiitch! I am pretty sure that buffalo was making fun of me! Dammit! What?! Really?! I invented that game and just got schooled. At least in my head that's what she meant. I still think I am right because at the reception I had to sit at the same table as her and it was awkward. My husband thinks I should try and remove myself from the 9th grade. I think he should stop leaving dishes in the sink, but whatever.

I need to take a minute to talk about the annoyance of the wedding date of 10-10-10. I suppose that is tolerable, but there was another couple here getting married earlier today. At 10:10am. That's a bit much. Since I couldn't pelt them with stones I hope they get a divorce on 11-11-11 @ 11:11am.

*My entire goal of the evening was to post pictures of my baby but I cannot for the life of me:
A. figure out how and/or
B. find them on the computer.

I swear my husband hides things from me just to make my life difficult and give him a reason to help his technology-retarded wife. It's a miracle he doesn't have to show me how to work the microwave. Well, actually, it's not. If it involves food, I'll damn sure figure it out. Why can't it be as easy as my Droid? I can download the shit out of pictures on my phone. I'll figure it out soon....


Marie said...

I fricken lurve you. So glad you are back.

Jen said...

1. You probably looked amazing and the bitch was jealous.

2. From one Techtard to another, I feel you pain.

3. The 10/10/10 weddings . . .really? Originality is not in their deck of cards. May they all be cursed with the missionary position only agreement throughout their entire marriage.

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm with Marie and Jen, I lurve you and I bet you looked great! Daaat Biiiitch was probably jealous. $20 says she tried on that dress and looked like a cow. That's just my opinion anyway.

You know? I've always wondered why you didn't capitalize everything, now I know! I'm positive I'll get that way soon.

Worlds Cutest Baby by FAR! He is adorable!
Missed you so much!

Anonymous said...

I never comment on anyone's blog but I have checked to see the title "A month and a halfs worth of updates" for months! i was excited to see you are back, and just as entertaining and funny! congrats on your baby! pics! and keep blogging!

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