Tuesday, July 8, 2008

the road to Heaven is paved with good intentions..

...and you sir, or shall i call you something you are familiar with: hillbilly redneck piece of shit dirt bag, will need to do some extra credit.

so, on the 4th of july my husband and i went to the drive in, which strangely enough was f-ing packed. we had sat through the first movie which was good (hancock) and were 3/4 of the way through the 2nd (get smart) when we decided to leave b/c we were over it when we realized that our suv had died. now, let me just preface this by saying that we weren't driving a 1980 hugo, it's a saab, like barely a year old, and they advertise that those fuckers are built like a jet or something or other as far as the engine. anyhoodle, it was unstartable so we had to wait for the movie to end before we asked anyone to give us a jump. the person directly to my husband's side had the same idea as us and bailed before it was over. so, my husband went to look for someone that worked at the drive in and couldn't find anyone so he asked the guy in a red dodge ram beside me. the conversation went like this;

my husband: hi, can i ask you for a favor? our car died and we need a jump. i have cables.
redneck cocksucking asshole: no. i'm not going to give you a jump.
my husband: i'm sorry, what?
redneck cocksucking asshole: no, i'm not going to give you a jump. go find someone that works here. i'm not going to jump you.
my husband: ok, thanks.

i thought the guy was totally kidding. i mean who says no to that? certain things are totally acceptable to refuse to a stranger. examples: can i try a bite of your pasta, can i have $500, blow me, etc. other things such as can i get a jump, call 911, can you get that door for me, etc. are never to be refused.
but, i digress. so, in my anger i went over to the person 2 cars down and asked them for a jump which was not a problem for them. as the guy in the silver ford f-150 was pulling up to our suv i looked over at the redneck cocksucking asshole in the red dodge ram and gave him the stink eye for about 2 min. then in a loud voice, b/c i instantly turn into a 5yr old when shit like this happens, i said to the wife of the guy that was helping us, "thanks so much for helping us. that a-hole right there in the red truck wouldn't help us. can you believe that? who does that? well, i'm an icu nurse and i hope he doesn't need any help anytime soon. asshole. he just helped me write my next blog." and, yes, unfortunately i really did ramble on like that within earshot of the a-hole.
while i'm sure the reason he didn't help us was because he had to hurry home and put some water in his wife's dish, he ended up leaving the same time we did. so, i got a good look at his license plate which i have committed to memory. i memorize plates of all asshole in case i ever come across them again. i've been told i am vengeful and just a wee bit psychotic. there's a guy in one of my classes that i am quite sure is a vampire, or at the very least the walking dead. he has a weird dead tone to his skin and has veins on his face and head that only someone who has been dead for 10,000 yrs can acquire. so, maybe i'll buddy up w/ him and give him the plate number to do my dirty work.

so ~
saab: you do in fact not built your vehicles like a jet. if you still contend that this is the case, i do not wish to fly on any jets that you took part in installing/assembling/or general fucking around with. please forward a list of all flying crafts that you have been in contact with to me.
vampire guy: wanna be friends? i can offer you protection. i know the right people. and, i have access to the blood bank. just a thought.
redneck cocksucking asshole: sleep with 1 eye open. also, you might want to invest in some garlic, a cross, and a silver bullet to cover all your bases. and a book on how to be a descent person, you dickhead.

9 comments:

Mombi said...

I just had to cover my mouth and read that in little spurts because I wanted to laugh out loud so hard, but didn't want to tip off my cube-mates that I was blog-surfing. Hilarious. Just hilarious!

andrea said...

seriously, who does that? its not like you asked him to push your fucking car all the way home. dick.

Shannon said...

Who the fuck would say NO? This was pretty f-ing priceless.

Shereen said...

NILES! This blog is HILARIOUS! I was dying over here! You're right though. Who the hell would say no!? Ummmm RUDE! I would have spouted off to the wife within ear shot to the redneck too. I MISS YOU, NILES!

Just Me. said...

You are funny!! I am gonna tag you!

And yes, that fucking prick! May his penis grow smaller day by day with low sperm count...OOH! i just got out of church today!! And here I am saying bad things! ooh!!!

Jen said...

What a fucktard!
You should've shown him your tits. I bet he would've done it then.

Marie said...

I like your writing you are funny.

Angela said...

tiffanie you have the best blog every other blog i read is about happy (living our dream) bullshit that makes me sick. BTW can I borrow the vampire friend of yours (FREE trip to AZ in it for him) I have some things I need taken care of...

JenM said...

Nice. I hope you sic the vampire on him.