Friday, June 20, 2008

well played, grasshopper

so, my husband has this trick. i'm going to divulge top secret shit here, so put down your cheeseburger and beer and listen. here goes - when you want something and the other person is not cooperating, just stare at them. the uncomfortableness will eventually lead them to give in. case in point: on wednesday i bought 4 bottles of wine (what?) and bought 1 bottle of a shitty pinot noir. we like pinot, i had just forgotten that we did not like this particular kind. so, i was going to save it for when we already had a bottle drank and then drink the pinot thinking we'd be drunk because, frankly, yak piss tastes delicious to me after 1/2 a bottle. but, my husband wanted me to try to take it back. this is what transpired -

me - hi, i'd like to return this bottle of wine
cashier - you can't return alcohol
me - but i bought the wrong kind
cashier - sorry, state law
me - but i bought the wrong kind. accidentally. this stuff is horrid.
*long uncomfortable silence with me holding my bottle of sewage. still silence. staring at each other. and....she gives in first
cashier - well, let me see your receipt
me - here. i just want a different kind
cashier - ok, i guess i'll do an exchange
me - that's what i thought, biatch

score. then i bought a few items at a different register. this is the conversation that left me feeling like i wanted to throw myself into oncoming traffic. or break the bottle of wine on the side of the register all bad-ass like and slit my own wrists (think happy gilmore w/ shooter and the beer bottle after they told him to be on the green at 9p). here goes:

cashier - you look tired
me - yep
cashier - me too. sometimes these 3 hr shifts just kill me
me - you're complaining about 3 hrs?
cashier - i know, right?
me - long exasperated sigh
cashier - ya know, my boyfriend of 4 1/2 yrs just broke up w/ me this morning.
me - bummer
cashier - i'm going out tonight
me - blank stare
cashier - yea, my friend that works in the deli asked me out. i know there is something there and he has feelings for me. you know when you just know? he just won't say. but i think he'll tell me tonight.
me - make sure you put out. i will punch you in the throat if you say 1 more thing.
cashier - dead behind the eyes stare

gah. i'm not sure if it was "handicapped employees that don't shower regularly and whose gender is not entirely clear" day or what, but that was the case w/ both. anyhoodle, i got my wine and didn't have to throw too much of an asshole fit.


Jill said...

Seriously, one of the funniest things I've read all week! YAY for you getting the bottle of wine returned.....

Also, my dog does the whole staring-at-you-to-get-what-he-wants thing. Usually it means he needs to pee.

Jen said...

I, too, am a fan of the uncomfortable stare.

I wonder if that cashier touched the deli guy's meat...? No, actually, I don't want to know that at all.

Shereen said...

Oh Jen! I just had to jab out my minds eye!

andrea said...

where do you shop - i'll have to check it out - you know, for the excellent converstation and wine exchange.

glad you got what you wanted tho, always an upside to the day!

Mindy said...

Tell me that you actually did verbalize "Make sure you put out" and "I'll punch you in the throat..." And I'm with Jill on the dog staring thing. Ellee will literally sit at my feet and stare at me and it makes it so hard to ignore her! If I don't respond in a timely manner I get a paw to the leg...

Kristin said...

I so don't want to know about the cashier touching the deli guy's meat!

WTG on getting the wine returned! As for the stare...Chris does it all the time to me...I HATE it!

JenM said...

People in customer service should not overshare with you. Did you really need to know about the deli guy? For what it's worth, in my head the cashier was a guy, so when he broke up with his boyfriend and had a date with the deli guy. . .much funnier until I figured it out.