slim shady

or chubbs mcbitchy

according to my july horoscope in bazaar magazine i am supposed to refrain from being a raging biatch and "be aware that my high standards are preventing me from giving less than perfect people a chance. stay grounded when engaging with others and magic will be in the air."

i read this thursday night. friday night it was my turn to float at work because the picu was not busy. i floated to nicu which is boring, boring, boring. i hate nicu. it's not real exciting, a real snoozefest if you will. mostly a bunch of babies that were born too early and need to grow.

while getting report on my 2 patients, who as stated above, only need to grow, i look over at one of them who had been screaming the entire time i was getting report. the nurse says to me "oh, you'll probably have to hold her all night or she'll scream like that." before i could even control my horror at the thought of holding a baby all night long i responded, "gah! no thanks, i don't hold patients." i know that sounds horrible, but i really don't like to touch people, especially patients. i am the epitome of a germaphobe. look it up in the dictionary and there's my picture. i always wear long sleeves or a jacket as well as gloves at work so i don't come in direct contact with someone. and, for obvious reasons, i don't like to hold babies. this isn't usually a problem in the picu. most of them are intubated and i couldn't hold them even if i wanted to, which i don't. i know, i'm in the wrong profession. anyway, the nurse looked at me like i was a horrible person, which i didn't blame her for. then i replied, "well, they shouldn't have sent the infertile girl to a floor with 42 m-fing babies on it, eh?!" she then changed her look of disgust to a look of pity and gave a small uncomfortable laugh. yep, played the infertile card to avoid darts being thrown at a picture of me in the break room with the words "baby-hater" underneath it. and it worked.

there were 4 babies in the room i was in, which meant i got to be extremely close and not so cuddly with them and the other RN in there. the doors were all shut, and while there's a ton of windows, it was like a cell of doom in there. i hate enclosed places, especially when it is with 4 crying babies and 1 extremely annoying nurse. i tried to follow what my horoscope said and was able to be friendly for about 30 minutes and that is all i could manage of my 12.5hr shift. she was telling me her life story, how old she was, about her baby daddy, singing songs, laughing at herself, making shooting noises at the computer like she was playing battleship, snorting, chewing her gum like an effing cow, eating her candy loudly, telling more ridiculous stories that i didn't ask to hear and constantly leaving for 40 min breaks and leaving me to watch her fricken babies too. here's a slice of my night:

crazy RN: celebrate good times, c'mon! i just don't know why that song is in my head.
Me: me either
crazy RN: it's sooooo good! i love it!
Me: yea, it's super duper
crazy RN: i'm gonna sing it ALL night long! yea! wahoo!
Me: please don't

then -
crazy RN: blah, blah, blah, so then i was going to take my daughter to the zoo...
Me: uh huh (not looking up from my completely blank computer screen)
crazy RN: but then blah, blah, blah...
Me: wow (still staring at blank screen)
crazy RN: and then, blah, blah...
Me: wow
crazy RN: ahaha, you're so funny! you say wow alot! i like to talk to you!
Me: yea, about that, can you go back to singing? i think my ears are bleeding.

thanks crappy horoscope. i stayed grounded and the only magic that was in the air was the sweet sound of monitoring alarms that would occasionally go off and drown her out for a minute. i picked the loudest alarm that went off the most and sat by it all night. and thanks nicu for making it absolutely impossible to follow my horoscope by putting me in the room w/ someone your own staff doesn't even like.