Wednesday, October 15, 2008

and, just like that...i'm back

assholes are a-plenty.

assholes who know me and my IF issues~

-i'm not sure what i have to do to make pregnant women stop complaining about how miserable they are to me. really, i mean, i am now thinking that the only way i am going to get it to cease is by carving the words "i don't give a fuck and i don't feel sorry for you b/c i am infertile" across my forehead. oh, how i wish i had a forehead the size of tyra banks' for this very instance.
-also, don't say "OMG you don't use the infertile excuse do you?" this was in the context of me talking about how my patients families always ask me if i have kids, why i don't, don't i like kids, don't i want any, and on and on until they see me wrapping the cord to my computer that i am charting on around my neck. so, yes, to avoid answering 1,954,789 questions and having them give me the stink eye b/c they think i don't like kids, especially theirs, i drop the we've been trying for awhile and have had no luck. so, you arrogant fertile asshole who looked appalled when i mentioned this when i was not even talking to you-go fuck yourself.

assholes in clinical~

-asshole #1
while doing a 2 yr old well child check the other week i had to answer annoying questions from a mother who was obviously a fan of the crack pipe. she was asking me things like "why can't i get her to eat more cake and cookies, should i be concerned that she doesn't like to eat that stuff?" you get the picture. anyway, here's the rest of our conversation:
me: (nonchalantly)"do you have any other children"
crack pipe hooker: "8" and then chuckles
me: (quietly crapping in my nice pantaloons) "8!"
crack pipe hooker: "yea, but don't worry, this one is the only one i have custody of."
me: "uggghh, well thank God for that"
crack pipe hooker: "what?"
me: "oh, nothing, just double checking my charting"

-asshole #2
i was seeing a 2 month old for their well child check and the mom who was 21 (i asked) says to me,
skanky fertile: "so, when do you think i should try for another one?" she is asking me this while ignoring her 2 mo old on the exam table and her 5 year old is tearing up the exam room and running his g-damn trucks into my shoes.
me: "what is the hurry, this one is only 2 mo old and you should take some time off of your personal crusade to populate the world with hillbillies to enjoy him."
skanky fertile: "i know, it's just my mom is bothering me to move out and i want another baby and i have a friend who has been trying to have a baby for a couple months and isn't having any luck. i don't want that to be me."
me: "yes, you have to watch that - infertility is very catchy. i would cut all ties w/ her and have sex w/ every man you can find until you are knocked up again. and, who wants their own place! good for you! suck the life out of your mother as long as you can! and, don't worry about me! i love working my ass of in school so i can have a good income and pay for your little ratty bastards! i love it! u go have fun, someone may as well. and, by the way, don't stand too close to me. boogity boogity."

dammit. i really need a new attitude.
and, i love jj;)


Murgdan said...

Ignorant muthafuckas! I know it gets soooooo old. Now that I'm done with school everyone just assumes that babies are the next thing on my checklist (they are)...but it leads them to I guess feel like they are allowed to ASK me..."Soooo when are you guys having baaaaabieees?". Ugh. "Shut up. Who wants babies? Puh-leeze. I'm living my life right now. Sha--like I want a screaming pooping kid to ruin my perfect life!"<--well, that's easier to belt out than "I'm infertile, I cry myself to sleep most nights because I don't have a spare $20,000 to do what you do for free, bitch.

andrea said...

omg i would have punched all of the above in the face. seriously. i don't know how you can even keep your mouth shut when such comments arise - you are brave.

JenM said...

Ugh. I would kill someome. Seriously. You are a strong woman, and I bet you have fun with the conversations in your head at that job.

Anonymous said...

Hi - you don't know me, but I read your blog every so often. I too went through years and years of infertility and your rant just cracks me up....and also makes a flood of emotions come rushing back to me! I know one of my favorite lines to dream of saying, and I actually did say it once to a really ignorant old friend was, "when am I going to have a baby...mmmmm, I guess when God decides to stop giving them to the 16 year old and decides to give me one instead." Shuts them up really quick! I also know that towards the end of my nightmare, the only thing that got me through was thinking that there was SOMETHING that the baby of the 16 year old was going to do for this world, that it needed to be born before be the next Pres. of the US, or find the cure to AIDS.... I'm thinking of you and rooting you sucks!

emilythehopeless said...

wow. completely ridiculous. sigh.

Just Me. said...

You're just so hilarious with your rants!!!

I know what you mean about the questions. We've been asked a lot too. My friend who is my age has 4 kids and she's had 2 since I got married. :(

You know, between you and me, we'd make a great team at swearing. LOL. I cuss like a sailor whenever people irritate me like that!

Beautiful Mess said...

I have just rediscovered "assholes" as a word to generally describe EVERYTHING! I love that you do this as well. Feel free to kick any asshole you might see and if your not in the mood to take the blame, I'll take it!

Bubba said...

hey id love to be a follower of ur blog, its hilarious...
im also a nurse and work with kids sometimes (im in theatre/recovery) i totally get what ur saying about the comments we have to put up with !!..
not sure what to do to become a follower...please help !. xx

Marie said...

I am so glad you are back! I just happened to click and see your newest HIlarious post.

I added you to google reader so no fear I wont miss anymore :)

Dagny said...


I think we have similar thought. heh.


(just found you through Emily the hopeless, so don't be weirded out by me. ;0 )

Mindy said...

OMG! I am so glad that you are back! Every so often I would check....and nothing. =0( But then today.....yippee! So besides swamped with your glam are ya? Email me when/if you get a minute... By the verification word to leave this comment is "shening." WTF is that?!?!

Anonymous said...

Hi Tiffanie,

I have been reading your blog and I love it. I know this sounds strange but I am currently looking for women with a strong voice for a documentary I'm working on about infertility. I couldn't find your email so this is the only way that I could get in's my email
Drop me a line if you are interested in hearing more about it!