i've wondered how pregnancy announcements would make me feel now that i am pregnant. i would like to say that i am happy and cheery and all "yippy ki-yaay motherfucker!" about it, but i'm not. twice now, i have failed the test.
pregnancy announcement #1
it came from an asshole at work. i mean a giant asshole of a person in every sense of the word. she was walking around with a pregnancy book when she was 5 minutes pregnant (really. she was only 4 weeks.) and acted all coy when someone asked her if she was pregnant. "oh, you weren't supposed to see that!" accompanied by a blink blink, sheepish asshole smile. hmmm, i thought that was the point of you reading it through your entire shift while you should be taking care of your patients and carrying it with the title facing outward so everyone could see it? this person is a special kind of asshole-dickhead combo in my book, for many reasons.
pregnancy announcement #2
this one actually makes me feel bad about myself. it came from a dear friend. this girl is like a sister to me. we were in undergrad together and that was a kind of unbearable torture that if it weren't for her and a few other's, i wouldn't have made it.
with that being said, i haven't talked to her in months. she lives in another country for part of the year. i can't reach her by phone and she does not know about my pregnancy, but she does know that we have been trying for 3 yrs and needed IVF. i got an email from her yesterday. it went like this "blah, blah, blah, my sister is due in october and, hey, i'm due in march! we were just going to see what happened and we got pregnant the minute we tried!"
ok. ok, ok, ok. i would like to say that my initial reaction was nothing but happy for her but i would be lying. i was maybe 50% happy, 25% wtf?, 25% jealous/confused. i would never wish infertility issues on anyone, but really? the first freaking month of knockin' boots for any reason other than fun and it works for you? what??! and to announce it all in my face not knowing that i was pregnant too? ouch. i felt that all too familiar knife in the heart/kick in the gut feeling all over again.
i guess i just can't imagine how that would be. getting pregnant easily will never be our life. how perfectly amazing to not have to try. to never have to feel the disappointment month after month. to never have fear and doubt settle in that maybe there is a problem and maybe, just maybe, you will never have a child with the person you love most in the world. to never have been ttc so long that it is just ridiculous to measure the time in anything other than years.
i cannot imagine a pregnancy where the happiness of making it this far isn't overshadowed by the constant, intense worry that something might go wrong. and the worry that if God forbid something did go wrong that i won't have the strength to go through another 3 years of ttc if that is what it would take.
a day later, i really am completely happy for my friend. it just takes awhile to get all the way there.