well played, grasshopper

so, my husband has this trick. i'm going to divulge top secret shit here, so put down your cheeseburger and beer and listen. here goes - when you want something and the other person is not cooperating, just stare at them. the uncomfortableness will eventually lead them to give in. case in point: on wednesday i bought 4 bottles of wine (what?) and bought 1 bottle of a shitty pinot noir. we like pinot, i had just forgotten that we did not like this particular kind. so, i was going to save it for when we already had a bottle drank and then drink the pinot thinking we'd be drunk because, frankly, yak piss tastes delicious to me after 1/2 a bottle. but, my husband wanted me to try to take it back. this is what transpired -

me - hi, i'd like to return this bottle of wine
cashier - you can't return alcohol
me - but i bought the wrong kind
cashier - sorry, state law
me - but i bought the wrong kind. accidentally. this stuff is horrid.
*long uncomfortable silence with me holding my bottle of sewage. still silence. staring at each other. and....she gives in first
cashier - well, let me see your receipt
me - here. i just want a different kind
cashier - ok, i guess i'll do an exchange
me - that's what i thought, biatch

score. then i bought a few items at a different register. this is the conversation that left me feeling like i wanted to throw myself into oncoming traffic. or break the bottle of wine on the side of the register all bad-ass like and slit my own wrists (think happy gilmore w/ shooter and the beer bottle after they told him to be on the green at 9p). here goes:

cashier - you look tired
me - yep
cashier - me too. sometimes these 3 hr shifts just kill me
me - you're complaining about 3 hrs?
cashier - i know, right?
me - long exasperated sigh
cashier - ya know, my boyfriend of 4 1/2 yrs just broke up w/ me this morning.
me - bummer
cashier - i'm going out tonight
me - blank stare
cashier - yea, my friend that works in the deli asked me out. i know there is something there and he has feelings for me. you know when you just know? he just won't say. but i think he'll tell me tonight.
me - make sure you put out. i will punch you in the throat if you say 1 more thing.
cashier - dead behind the eyes stare

gah. i'm not sure if it was "handicapped employees that don't shower regularly and whose gender is not entirely clear" day or what, but that was the case w/ both. anyhoodle, i got my wine and didn't have to throw too much of an asshole fit.

i love this picture!

ok, my amazing husband figured it out for me! now you don't have to click on the x below!

another instance that shows how computer retarded i am

so, click on the X to see one my fav pics. i could not for the life of me figure out how to make it show up. AHHHHH!!! if anyone has any idea's, let me know. i also need to get the block of text on the side to not be black. it won't allow me to change it like all the other parts of my blog. anyone? idea's? help!

happy friday the 13th!

2 hott 2 handle

ok, for the last 3 weeks i have sat silently on tuesdays and thursdays and secretly amused myself by reading a girl in my stats class' t-shirt for the day. i even went as far as to get there early so i can see it when she walks in so i don't miss it, which is apparently what happened the first day of class. so you can get the full visual she is in her mid 30's, about 5'0 and i'm not going to guess her weight but she could definitely benefit from a butts and guts class. anyway, i've been writing them down and here is a sampling of why i probably didn't do so well on my midterm today:
1. 2 hott 2 handle
2. don't give me attitude, i already have one
3. is there anything else i can ignore you (rest was missed due to fat rolls eating her shirt)
4. pimpin'
5. milf
6. brunette bombshell
7. sexy can i? (i'm pretty sure she made this one with her be-dazzler and puff paint)

i took the liberty of ordering her a few more shirts that i think are more fitting:
1. chunky ass ho
2. b. spears' much older sister
3. pirate hooker
4. filthy mcnasty

*and no, this is not the "eyelashes" girl. it's a class full of fashion misfits.

i heart our new RE

we ended up switching RE's for insurance reasons. i was a little sad at first because i really liked my old one, but i am over that now. in fact, what was his name again?!

we met with the new one, Dr. Goldfarb, yesterday. he was actually my first choice anyway. i went w/ the other one at the last minute because his office was closer to work and school and more convenient. anyhoodle, he is very nice and sat w/ us for an hour explaining things and answering questions. he gave us a 50-60% chance of success with IVF, so that's exciting. i was worried that i wouldn't be sedated well enough for the egg retrieval/transfer because i have heard more than 1 (ok, 3) horror stories of being awake for the brutality of it. i do not wish to remember the gang-banging with 4 metal skewers and sponges as my friend jennepper does. he assured me that i would have a lovely mix of fentanyl, versed and propofol. sounds delicious to me! he even knew that we were nurses! it's not that i care that he knows that, it's the fact that he obviously reviewed everything in our chart and took time to pay attention to things other than infertile-ness.

so, all in all it was a good day. he's been doing this a long time and i'm a little less anxious now. i just wish we could get this show on the road. we are still planning on waiting until late spring/summer for the IVF.

*he did actually say to us "who knows, maybe you'll get pregnant on your own before you have to come back and see me." i said "really? even after we've been off of birth control for 4.5 yrs?! ya think?!" he then says "oh, ok, well maybe not as much of a chance after all." yea, that's what i thought. he's lucky i didn't go banana's on his ass and tip his desk over and throw some chairs around while foaming at the mouth. but, i contained myself b/c obviously we need him more than he needs us.

see if you can guess the worst part of my day....

was it:

1.) hitting snooze a zillion times until i was waaaay late in getting up

2.) being so late that i only have time to shower, not also wash my hair

3.) having to do research clinicals today at the homeless shelter where
a.) it was very unorganized and chaotic
b.) we were doing dental checks
c.) on homeless women and kids

4.) we only got 15 min to cram down our lunch

5.) after said terrible ordeal i went to the mall w/ a friend who just had to go to baby gap and gymboree. she has no kids. neither do i. she is not infertile. i am.

if you guessed #5 you are fucking brilliant. it was shitloads of fun. shitloads. i resisted the urge to buy things for our baby that we may or may not get to meet; mainly a bundle of the cutest g-damn onsies i have ever seen at gymboree. there were 7 of them with cute things on the front like 'sprout,' 'monkey,' and i can't remember what hell else, but under the words was a corresponding cute little embroidered picture. cutest.thing.ever. i stopped buying things a long time ago and now it is all packed away in the closest, otherwise i would have forked over the nearly $60.00 in a second. i did manage to tear up like a dickhead though. yay me.

on a side note - who the fuck eats with a paper napkin tucked into the top of their shirt? really, who? and, for the record, this crazy hoe was not eating crab legs.