Tuesday, March 10, 2009

somebody kill me please

you know, as in the chorus to the song adam sandler sang (screamed) to drew barrymore in the wedding singer when he was auditioning to play at her wedding?

besides being incredibly disappointed by the cancellation of our 1st IVF, i'm also wicked pissed. and, really, is it any wonder? see below.

1.) i went to acupuncture again today in preparation for the IUI tomorrow. she asked me all kinds of questions, and after doing the usual pulse and tongue check she says to me, "gee, i don't know why you have such a hard time getting pregnant. it shouldn't be this hard. everything looks good."
-yea, bitch, i know it shouldn't, but it is. now how's about you get crack-a-lackin' with the needle jabbing so i can get on my way. and, while you are jamming needles in places that i'm still not convinced they belong; you can say more fun things to me like, "you would be such a great mom" or "golly jeeze, your babies would be so beautiful." really. i'd love it. <-sarcasm.

2.) the way too fucking excited and overly cheery ultrasound tech at my RE's office is also on my list. i like my bitches to keep it real. her over enthusiasm makes me all twitchy. i can't be held accountable for what might happen if this continues. i mean, my legs are already up in holsters and her face isn't that far away. i'm just saying, she might be seeing a boot to the head in our very near future. especially if she tells me again that everything looks just super-duper when all i have is 4 follicles.

3.) the shitty performance from my ovaries. wtf is all i can say about that. well, no, i can say more...they are like the really slow kids in the class that have IEP's and what not and still get D-'s. they need a 'hooked on phonics-getting your shit together and start producing some good follicles already' edition . and a few swift kicks. and more 'roids.

4.) the pictures of the sweet, adorable, delicious babies that are plastered all over the walls that i had to walk past yesterday after speaking with our RE about cancelling our IVF. what's next? actual live adorable babies that i have to fucking step over on my way out the door?

5.) and then there is this ignorant slut:

"please help me because i'm so worried, 5 days ago i sort of had sex with my fiance ( by sort of i mean without penetration ) the problem is that after having orgasm both of us i went to the bathroom to find transparent Secretions with blood drops, this went on till next morning , then after one day i found pink blood in my underwear and every time i go to the toilet i find brown Secretions, my main concern that my fiance had orgasn befor me and when i was finished i couldn't find semen anywhere but in the bathroom it was like soap bubbles when i was washing.
i just want to know why there is blood and where did the semen go
ps. i'm still virgin
he ejected away from the vaginal open"

i found this little gem while i was googling stuff about progesterone b/c the nurses at my RE's office don't like to give info. anyway, ummm, is this a joke? because i tried to strangle myself after reading the first two lines. who is really that awful of a speller? why in the hell is 'secretions' capitalized? while your main concern is the ghost semen, mine is the fact he 'ejected away from the vaginal open,' and the 'soap bubbles.' and, no, my friend - you are not even close to being a virgin. nice try. and stop using the word 'toilet.' it's gross. i hate you. you're a giant asshole.
p.s. good luck with the pregnancy.


Megan said...

I'm so sorry. I understand your frustrations. I AM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING INFERTILITY SHIT!!! I hope your IUI goes well.

Jill said...

UGH! I agree with Megan. IF sucks. Good luck with your IUI! Thanks for the laugh this morning!

Dagny said...

I am sick as a dog, but I knew I could count on you for some humour this morning. (not that I think our situations are funny....well, maybe if we thought they were funny they'd be funnier? ugh, ignore me...full up on cold meds..heh)

But yeah, ignorant slut will be my two words of the day. I bet I find more than one person to apply it to before 7pm.


Beautiful Mess said...

You might be better off wishing her luck on parenting because it sounds like she's a clueless idiot, just saying....It totally sucks you have to go through this! Want me to come down there and kick your ovaries into HIGH gear? (((HUGS)))

JenM said...

That sucks Tiffanie. I'm sorry. Good luck with your IUI, and dealing with stupid people.

FYI, the word I had to type for verification was thermet. Sounds like the kind of helmet you need to deal with stupid people.

c by the sea said...

you make me laugh...thanks

i can't even go on message boards because of f*cking idiots like this girl...soap bubbles?!?!

Shereen said...

I'm sorry your having such a shitty month, Niles. If I knew where that slut soap bubbles girl was, I would bring her to you so you could kick her in the head.

PS - toilet does sound gross.

Jen said...

Bah. I'm sorry.