today i found out that a friend of mine was going to start trying for a baby. and, not from her. i'm sure she didn't tell me because she knows that i have been trying for a long time, but really? instead of feeling like i was going to throw up and wanting to run out of the room, which is what would have happened had she told me herself; i felt like i was kicked in the stomach - by a horse - repeatedly.
i realize that is completely unreasonable of me to feel that way. alot of what i do and feel is unreasonable, but it goes with the territory i suppose. i used to smile at pregnant women and their cute bellies because that would be me someday. not so much smiling and thinking that will be me as much as looking away and finding the closest path to getting the hell away from her as quickly as possible without mowing the poor girl over. i no longer care to hear about any one's pregnancy or about their new baby. and, enough with the baby showers already people. f@*k. i'm blaming alot of my apparent intolerance for preggo's because i am CONSTANTLY around pregnant people at work. i can't get away from them. if one more person says it must be something in the water i think i'll punch them. it's clearly not in the water. i have drank the water. alot. still barren.
also, why is it that every time we do another cycle or change to a different treatment someone knows someone else who had a cousin that went to school with someone who's sister's best friend was doing the exact same thing and it WORKED! ahhhhhhh, if i had a dollar for every time i heard that, well, i'd have at least 50. which i guess i should stop complaining about b/c that would be half of my co-pay for some of the infertility meds.
ok, i'll stop the ridiculous poor me session that this has become. i'm sure that there will be a few more of these for future warning.
on an unrelated topic, we have been having the best time since stopping treatments. i had 2 glasses of wine when we went to dinner yesterday and have went out on 2 other occasions and had drinks. i'm eating like shit, drinking all the caffeine i want and not taking my vitamins. i feel like i'm in college again (well, undergrad anyway). anyone up for a pub crawl? jello shots? natty light?